Cartoon Violence Can't Believe That It Isn't Over Yet

Each week, the Comics Curmudgeon helps explain Today's Cartoons.


Like all right-thinking people, we blame the papists, and churchy types in general, and the farmers. See, the reason for the convoluted "first Tuesday after the first Monday" rule for Election Day was established in 1845 was that (a) it had to be on a Tuesday because people often had to put in a day's worth of travel to get to their poling place and good Christians couldn't travel on a Sunday; (b) it had to be in November because that was after crops had been taken in and farmers could go vote; and (c) it couldn't be on November 1 because "All Saints Day" was a holy day of obligation for Catholics. The upshot of all this is that the horrific nightmare of this year's campaigning season isn't going to end until the fucking 7th, and we for one are pissed. Therefore, in an act of suicidal stubbornness, this week Cartoon Violence will cover non-election-related cartoons only, or, in cartoons that involve the election, will focus on non-election related aspects. It's as close as we can get to a blissful, campaign-free existence until democracy is abrogated and we are given rule over all with an iron fist of cartoon-mocking justice.

01man.gifVote yes on this cartoon because: It is what may be the first political cartoon on record based around manatees. Manatees! Doesn't everybody love manatees? With their adorable butt-like faces? SO CUTE! Forget pandas, manatees are where it's at.

Vote no on this cartoon because: The cracker geezer behind it hears "Memphis" and can only think "Elvis." What about M-Town's vibrant blues and hip-hop scenes? Has Hustle and Flow gone unnoticed? It's hard out here for genus Trichechus!

I'm the Comics Curmudgeon, and I approve of: The way the fishes are regarding the sea cows with some degree of horror. Don't worry, little guys, they're just harmless, curious herbivores.

02trk.gifVote yes on this cartoon because: If you don't want to see the three most powerful men in America hacked to death with an axe, then there's something very, very wrong with you, my friend.

Vote no on this cartoon because: It doesn't make a lick of sense. Yeah, yeah, it's a classic "Thanksgiving reversal" trope, but what's the deal with the net trap? I'm a city boy, so my only experience with this sort of thing is the trap the Ewoks set in Return of the Jedi. Do you really catch wild turkeys in an elaborate hidden net and then kill them with axes? Because that's kind of gross.

I'm the Comics Curmudgeon, and I approve of: The way the pilgrim hats stick doggedly to our leaders' heads, just as we stick doggedly to our mission in Iraq.

03pea.gifVote yes on this cartoon because: Like the manatee, the peacock has too long been a stranger to the editorial pages of America's newspapers.

Vote no on this cartoon because: The peacock feathers are lovely, but would it have been so hard to put one issue per feather? "And everything else" smacks of "OH JESUS DEADLINE COMING OH JESUS".

I'm the Comics Curmudgeon, and I approve of: The creation of a figure that is both recognizably Bush and recognizably a naked peacock.

04xms.gifVote yes on this cartoon because: I'm charmed by the inclusion of little mop-haired Bobby, busy doing his homework instead of going out and celebrating with the pinkos.

Vote no on this cartoon because: OK, we get it, we get it: the cartoon takes place in early November what with the jack-o-latern in the trash can and the highly visible calendar on the wall. Do you think that readers are going to forget what time of year it is without such heavy-handed assistance?

I'm the Comics Curmudgeon, and I approve of: Just throwing your jack-o-latern away in the wastebasket in the living room. That's gonna stink as it rots, Mr. and Mrs. Idyllic American Suburban Family, but it's your call.

05lak.gifVote yes on this cartoon because: It brought to my attention something that I was totally unaware of: the Coast Guard is waging some sort of shadow war against the Great Lakes region.

Vote no on this cartoon because: We don't need this sort of information getting into the hands of the namby-pamby liberal media. For too long America has suffered under the oppressive rule of Lake Huron. Enough is enough!

I'm the Comics Curmudgeon, and I approve of: The beer cans floating casually in the water next to the fisherfolk. All the more reason to shell them. --THE COMICS CURMUDGEON

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