Cartoon Violence Explains It All
Each week, the Comics Curmudgeon helps explain Today's Cartoons.
Hey whoah there what happened with the electing and the caucusing and WHOAH looks like Obama and Huckabee are our new FRONT RUNNERS and everyone else is pretty much screwed old news done over with but then wait hold on hold up those crazy New Hampshirians or whatever they're called CHANGED EVERYTHING and now Hillary and Walnuts are back in the saddle they're underdogs who came from behind even though a year ago they were in the lead and OH MY GOD WHO CAN UNDERSTAND IT????
You certainly can't understand your blathering media talking heads, or your pollsters with their fancy scientific knowledge, and certainly not your Wonkette editors, who, to their credit, have never claimed to do anything but remark bemusedly on events.
But we've left one group out of the equation: political cartoonists! Yes, they are the only class left when it comes to the explaining of matters political. This week: desperate attempts to make sense of a world gone mad, Obama-Clinton-wise.
How it went down: Obama obviously thought that by consuming the Senator from New York, he would not only eliminate her from the race but also gain the totemic power contained in her flesh. Fortunately for Hillary, Obama had subjected himself to experimental teeth-whitening that actually rendered his glorious choppers transparent, allowing her to maintain visual contact with the outside world. With her newfound access to Obama's inner workings, she was able to interfere with his functioning just enough to get him off his game and eke out a 3-point victory.
What happened? "Barack Obama" is actually a brainwashed killing machine created by rogue KGB agents in the '60s and trained in Indonesian madrassas. His trigger phrase? "Senator, you have won the Iowa caucuses." His target? The (former) first lady of the United States.
How it went down: Created as an assassin in a plot initially aimed at Pat Nixon, Obama had his programming updated with each new president until the his team of handlers was dismantled by Boris Yeltsin in 1993. His cold-blooded urge to kill Hillary became hot when she also turned out to be his chief political rival. Thus, he spent much of those crucial few days in New Hampshire stalking Clinton with a high-powered rifle when he should have been glad-handing and ass-kissing. Unfortunately for him, he could neither seal the deal with New Hampshire voters or get a good, clean kill-shot on Hillary.
How it went down: Barack Obama wasn't a homophobe, but he had always thought of himself as 100% straight. But when that pudgy yet strangely compelling white man got down on his knees in front of him and propositioned him, it unleashed a flood of feelings that he just couldn't explain away. What if his whole life -- his marriage to Michelle, everything he ever thought about himself and his place in the world -- was a lie? Even though he never saw the man again, he wasn't able to push these thoughts out of his mind. Every time he shook another hand or gave a speech about hope, he thought that maybe it would be his hand that he would be touching, or he hoped he would see the gentleman again. In short, he lost focus. A good three percentage points worth of focus. Advantage: Hillary. Bill never breathed a word to her. It was his penance, for so much.
What happened? Barack Obama cut off his arm and attached it to the side of the Statue of Liberty. I think? That's Obama's arm? It's all ... lanky, and ... dark, and ... such? And holding a torch? Statue of Liberty? Maybe?
How it went down: Barack Obama cut off his arm and attached it to the side of the Statue of Liberty, and so he couldn't shake any hands and so the New Hampshirians, who have a hateful prejudice against amputees, decided to vote for Hillary instead, the end.
Assuming that's supposed to be Obama's arm.
Which I'm not sure it is.
But does anything else make sense?