Cartoon Violence Gets Old-Timey
By the Comics Curmudgeon
Ah, the good ol' days! They were much better than our current existence, did you know that? Like, it was illegal for the President to be a Socialist! And also, people didn't just filibuster things all the time, because they knew it was a douchebag move, so they saved it for really important stuff, like stopping black people from voting! Anyway, more and more Americans -- and by "Americans" we mean "political cartoonists" -- are looking back on the old days with fond memories, or perhaps memories of sheer unmitigated horror. It can be hard to tell!
Click the cartoons for a magical trip back in time!
Now, I know all you people's first reaction to past-directed time travel is going to be "Oh no! I cannot go into the past! All of my favorite sex perversions will be illegal there! I can only get my rocks off in our current decadent age!" Well, fear not, my sleazy friends! Despite the stereotypes, everyone in the past was also a sex-crazed degenerate weirdo like yourselves. Just take this typical scene from the Old West! Here, we see an erotic three-way between a sexy black cowboy and two furries, all preparing to measure each others' genitals. This was before artificial fibers, so those fursuits are actually made out of the hollowed-out husks of real animals! That, combined with the formal wear, means that the pervies insider are dying of heat stroke. But they're prepared for that possibility! Note the coffins, so that we can add necrophilia to their melange of kink.
Anyway, you know what else they had back in the day that we're going to revive, nostalgically? Slavery! Real, actual, slavery! Only for white people, apparently. Though we will be forced to wear comical Aunt Jemima-style head kerchiefs! We crackers will be out there just pickin' cotton for Ol' Massa Congress -- though as you can see, that cotton is just growing all over Congress's lawn, right up to his porch! Heck, somebody's gotta pick it, so why not enslave us to do the job free Americans won't do? But don't worry, we'll all get free food and health care, just like they did back in slave times, if by "food" we mean "low-nutrition gruel and scraps" and "health care" we mean "cruel and arbitrary beatings."
If all the white people are going to be slaves, then what does that leave for the black people to do? Teenagerhood! That's what Barack Obama's been up to for the past year or so, anyway. Just sittin' on America's couch, texting all his cool socialist friends. "O HEY U WANT TO RAISE TAXES? LOL" "LETS PUT OLD PPL IN CAMPZ!" Of course, all that electronic-y jibber-jabber will run up America's phone bill, leading to hilarious sitcom-style situations: the president's grounded -- right before he's scheduled to fly to Russia for a big summit! (Don't worry, it all gets worked out in the end, and we all learn a valuable lesson about getting along.)
"Never mind that," you're almost certainly saying, "What about Joe Lieberman's severed head? When we last saw the skull formerly attached to the independent senator for Connecticut, it had been unsuccessfully grafted onto a series of host bodies. Now, like the evil soul of Lord Voldemort, the Lieberman-cranium has become a sphere of pure, malevolent energy; however, as is the case with most intangible demons, Lieberman's ghostly noggin has little will of its own, and can be controlled by whoever can capture and animate it. Once you have gained power over the wraith, however, you can use it to hypnotize and command the weak-minded, as you can see here.
Meanwhile, there is a store, an actual physical store, where you can buy "2012 The End," just in case you are anxious for the apocalypse, and really, who isn't, at this point. Come, sweet Armageddon, take us from this vale of tears, forever!