Cartoon Violence Goes For The Gut

Each week, the Comics Curmudgeon helps explain Today's Cartoons.

Oh hey everybody, did you hear that the president had some gross stuff removed from the inside of his colon? In a bygone day of grace and dignity and abiding shame about our bodies, this never would have been reported, of course; the press would have merely noted that the Bush was "under the weather" and his lookalike would wave at the tanks from the top of the Kremlin wall until the Politburo had settled on his successor. But now we're also supposed to be so damn open and honest about everything, including the things that happen inside our buttholes, so we get it all in living color on C-SPAN.

Normally, political cartoonists are exactly the sort of people who would be too classy to follow in the footsteps of their rectum-minded colleagues in the press pool, but when the national mood says "up the butt", you go up the butt. And we here at Cartoon Violence are similarly dragged along for the ride. This week: tales from the lower GI tract.

01pol.gifWhose ass: George Bush.

What's up his butt: A sign-wielding Democratic donkey, bent on impeachment.

Anal-ysis: By referring to the mischievous donkey as a "growth", the doctor implies that the nascent but growing movement to impeach the president is not some external threat, but rather something bursting out from within him. Rather than being attacked by his enemies, he's in fact producing the agents of his own demise. Out of, you know, his butt.

02gut.gifWhose ass: Michael Chertoff.

What's up his butt: A magical talking gnome who can predict terrorist attacks when intelligence agencies are going to issue vague warnings about terrorist attacks in advance. It's so far up in there, it has to talk out of Chertoff's belly button.

Anal-ysis: Fun fact: Michael Chertoff is the only U.S. cabinet member so creepy that, if you told most Americans that a homunculus resident in his lower intestine was giving warnings about the sinister plots of our enemies, they'd say, "Yeah, that sounds about right."

03gut.gifWhose ass: Joe Average Barfing American.

What's up his butt: The general free-floating sense of anxiety, anger, terror, and fear that makes life in this country so God-damned great that you could just lose your lunch.

Anal-ysis: It seems odd to praise a cartoon depicting a man vomiting in rather vivid and lifelike terms -- the grip Barfy McPuke has on the toilet tank with his right hand is a particularly nice touch of realism -- for its relative restraint. Yet consider, based on the other cartoons in this set, that it could have very well have "gone the other way," if you know what I mean, and I think you do. On the other hand, the way his wife is just sort of standing there and watching him is particularly unsettling to me.

04pol.gifWhose ass: George Bush.

What's up his butt: A mysterious outline of a donkey head, at least according to the x-ray or whatever on the wall. Is this donkey head growing from the walls of his lower intestine? Does this mean that the political threats to Bush's presidency are really derived not from his external enemies, but from within himself?

Anal-ysis: Hey, look, it's the same as the other thing! Only less funny. Bet you're surprised that's possible.

05tum.gifWhose ass: Only the greatest country on Earth: America. Which, by definition, must have the greatest ass on Earth.

What's up its butt: A rumbling, gurgling feeling that somewhere, somehow, America is being plotted against. Thus, it's time to send in TUMS! That's right, Troops Understanding Military Surge!

Anal-ysis: So, wait, if we've got a gut feeling about terrorism, but then we send our soldiers (aka TUMS) against that gut feeling ... aren't we invading our own country? Our own digestive tract? Are we declaring war on Michael Chertoff's colon? And will it be on C-SPAN?

06pol.gifWhose ass: George Bush.

What's up his butt: A series of monogrammed polyps spelling out the name of the vice-president of the United States.

Anal-ysis: Let me repeat: Dick Cheney's name is spelled out in polyps on the inside of George Bush's anus. There's nothing I can say to make this more horrifying. I want you to take a good, long look at this, and then go lie down for a while. --THE COMICS CURMUDGEON


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