Cartoon Violence Heads Down To The Elephant Graveyard

Each week, the Comics Curmudgeon helps explain Today's Cartoons.


Normally, we at Cartoon Violence use this lead-in space for some half-digested ramble that aims to set up whatever loosey-goosey theme we came up with for this week's cartoon horrorshow. This week that theme is elephants, which honestly need no introduction. Seriously, elephants are inherently funny-looking and, when they're not busy menacing Africans, are fun stand-ins for Republicans (as individuals or a class). With their leathery skins, mighty tusks, and gargantuan size, they're a cartoonists wet dream (note: not literally, we hope).

Anyway, rather than try to churn out 250 more words on the subject, we thought we'd instead share with you three bonus totally not-theme-related cartoons from this week that are too wonderful/horrifying to miss. Enjoy!

01ton.gif

Joe Camel has been lynched, and now Tony the Tiger is voluntarily turning himself into prison to avoid a similar fate.

02jus.gif

You can see Dick Cheney's left breast. Unless that's supposed to be Jesse Helms.

03gay.gif

Charlie Brown grew up to be gay.

Now, where were we? Oh yeah, elephants! Yay, elephants! Elephants are awesome!

04law.gifSpecies: Tower-dwelling wooee elephant (Elephas rapunzel)

Natural habitat: The balconies of tall, willowy towers.

Life cycle: The tower-dwelling wooee actually climbs to the top of the fairy-tale castles in which it resides as a juvenile, as the staircases are too impossibly narrow for the adult to navigate. Thus, they are forced to live out their adult lives several stories above potential mates, and must fantasize about "knight in shining armor" figures that could save them from the precarious positions. Eventually, they mate with their television sets.

05irt.gifSpecies: Dwarf urban sedan-driving elephant (Loxodonta chauffeur)

Natural habitat: Crammed behind the wheel of any number of gas-guzzlers throughout America, but concentrated in cities where driving is such a hateful experience that these perpetually angry and be-hatted pachyderms become an important part of the ecosystem.

Life cycle: Drive taxi cabs in the daytime and kill at night.

06ice.gifSpecies: Supersized seafaring ice elephant (Loxodonta maritima)

Natural habitat: The metaphorically icy waters of the metaphorical North Atlantic, or any other metaphorical region where they might do metaphorical damage to other metaphors.

Life cycle: Frozen and faceless, the seafaring ice elephant is the subject of scientific debate: is it truly "alive" and capable of independent movement? Or is it a convenient excuse for ill-navigated metaphorical legislation?

07nrg.gifSpecies: Drill-nosed oil-sipping elephant (Loxodonta snoutastica)

Natural habitat: Prevalent everywhere, but has a symbiotic relationship with other metaphorical creatures, such as the Vaguely Racist Arab Anarchist Bomb.

Life cycle: Spends much of its waking hours searching for grossly oversized t-shirts to fit over its hulking torso.

08imm.gifSpecies: Well-dressed club-wielding elephants (Elephas bludgeon)

Natural habitat: Anywhere where there are people who need to be beaten with clubs.

Life cycle: First: Put on a suit. Second: Beat someone with a club. Fun!

Speaking of fun that does not involve beating someone with a club (I hope!), if you are in New York City you can still get tickets to come and shout abuse at me tonight, so you should, like, do so. --THE COMICS CURMUDGEON

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