Cartoon Violence Hearts Teh Huckbeez

Each week, the Comics Curmudgeon helps explain Today's Cartoons.

So! How about that Mike Huckabee, everybody? In a confusingly short period of time, he's gone from being a lovable ex-fattie with no chance of being elected president to a possibly not lovable ex-fattie with a dog-torturing son and a very slim chance of being elected president! His meteoric rise in the polls, which is mainly due to America's vanishingly short attention span, has got pundits of all stripes scrambling to come up something to say about the guy. And political cartoonists aren't exempt! They've been pretty spoiled by the Republican field so far, honestly, what with Rudy's ferret face and Mittens' ludicrously distinguished chin and Fred Thompson's liver-spotted chrome-dome. Now they've had to grapple with caricaturing The Huck. Even though we know it's energy wasted -- he's just the people's fancy of the moment, to replaced by Duncan Hunter next week -- we feel the least we can do is assess their efforts.


071221-1.jpgThe Huck is: Curiously undefined. Two little eye-dots, widow's peak, and chin. So much chin.

The Huck also is: Standing around with all the other, more easily caricatured, guys. God damn if Mittens doesn't isn't like a parody of a handsome guy, though McCain is a little Asnersque for my tastes. But Huckabee's kind vague. Actually, you'll note the area behind his head is all whited out, as if someone else was originally in that spot (Paul? Ha ha, just kidding) and had to be desperately erased and redrawn at the last minute as Huck's poll numbers surged.

The Huck is really: About to be strangled by an enormous elephant-beast, apparently.

071221-2.jpgThe Huck is: Beady-eyed and bucktoothed. Hard to tell much else about him because he's, you know, standing inside an elephant's dismembered corpse.

The Huck also is: A partner to a monstrous act of cruelty, in which he and his fellow Republican candidates have killed an elephant and chopped it to bits (in that order, we all hope and pray), and are now wearing its various severed body parts in attempt to gain that noble animal's totemic power. Good luck with that, you sick bastards.

The Huck is really: Optimistic as always about his chances -- in this case, his chances that this elephant-butchering move is going to pay off. Only Ron Paul in the back appears to be having second thoughts about what he and his fellow candidates have done.

071221-3.jpgThe Huck is: Short, bald, elf-eared, long-nosed and distinctly large-assed. HEY POLITICAL CARTOONIST I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE HEARD BUT HUCKABEE USED TO BE BIG AND PORTLY BUT NOW HE'S ALL THIN OK? HE COULD BE A SUPERMODEL AND WHATNOT. YOU DO A DISSERVICE TO HIS CUTE LITTLE BUTT.

The Huck also is: Pat Buchanan. That's it, this is damned pre-drawn Pat Buchanan caricature that you've dropped into a Huckabee-themed cartoon. I'm on to you! Pat Buchanan is not funny and charming a self-effacing! Also, he takes his orders from the Pope of Rome, while Huckabee receives his from Christ Himself directly.

The Huck is really: Taking Jesus' "eat, for this is my body" command very, very literally. C'mon, Huck, remember what they told you in those Overeaters Anonymous meetings! I know Our Lord is tasty, but you need to show restraint.

071221-4.jpgThe Huck is: Sporting that distracting waddle that people who have lost a lot of weight often have. Also: disconcertingly walleyed.

The Huck also is: Staring ahead blankly like a drooling, walleyed zombie, whose main goal in life is to crack open open your skull and feast on your brain. Compare him to Romney, who looks charming and handsome. Oh, he still wants to eat your brain, of course, but he's better at hiding it until he can get in close enough to get a good grip on your cranium.

The Huck is really: Taking sartorial advice from that crazy Question Mark Suit Guy for some insane reason. Pssst, Huck! He's backing Obama.

071221-5.jpgThe Huck is: Even more horrifyingly walleyed than in the previous cartoon. Also, he's the fucking Christ child, somehow.

The Huck also is: Irritating everyone else in this nativity scene. The shepherds are mugging as if a classic sitcom WANH WANH WANNNNNH is going off in the background, but Mary is pissed. Hey lady, just be glad that it's Skinny Huck that you passed through your virgin birth canal, OK?

The Huck is really: Bursting out of those swaddling clothes -- or is it some kind of egg? That's the question Republicans need to ask themselves as they go to the polls over the next couple of months. Is Huckabee our Lord and Savior? Or is he an alien pod being sent to destroy us all? It's one or the other, trust me.

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