Cartoon Violence Is Just Going To Walk, Thanks
The Comics Curmudgeon has been guest blogging as one half of your Wonkette team all week, but he's still been paying attention to Today's Cartoons. He's also a bit concerned about this whole airplane terrorism situation, mostly because his mother is flying into town tonight and he had to spend some time on the phone convincing her that al Qaeda had not declared a jihad against Southwest's low low prices. He analyzes the cartoons of the moment, and stops talking about himself in the third person, after the jump.
There are some themes that cartoonists can linger on for weeks, not needing to rush into action to get their art in the paper right away: politicians are corrupt, George Bush has big ears, Democrats are disorganized losers, Dick Cheney shot a lawyer in the face. But sometimes there's a big story and you need to churn a cartoon about it out RIGHT AWAY! The whole liquid explosives airplane hootenanny is just such a story. This installment of Cartoon Violence honors those cartoonists who cast aside their half-completed Dick-Cheney-shooting-a-guy-in-the-face cartoons to stay topical.
Terrorists: Think we are fools for focusing on liquid explosives, when we should be focusing on bearded, turbaned men, like the ones who committed the September 11th at -- oh, wait.
This plot: Has a fatal flaw: Would a bearded man really carry after-shave? Well, he might, if the Great Satan's advertising creates anxiety about his odor.
Airport security: Is apparently capable of unhinging its jaw and swallowing you whole, just like a python.
Terrorists: Are glowering at us from the sky.
This plot: Is just another reminder that we will never defeat the terrorists until we develop some sort of anti-cloud tactical weapon.
Airport security: Will never protect us as long as we insist on flying into the air, the realm of the god-like cloud-men.
Terrorism: Distracts us from the mission of our nation, as our Founding Fathers envisioned it: Sweaty, angry white men screaming at each other on talk shows about tax policy.
This plot: Has been perpetrated by our real enemies, the British, who have been looking for a way to make us look bad ever since the War of 1812 ended in an unsatisfying tie.
Airport security: May now be so relentless focused on liquids that it will let the broken bottle wielded by our suddenly tough-guy Dem donkey through, then watch out!
Terrorism: Is, as ever, a good excuse to get drunk.
This plot: Should bring us all together as a nation united against unjust and arbitrary violence, but that doesn't mean that we here at Wonkette are going to forget that you stole our "liquids" joke, buddy.
Airport security: Will soon discover who's more fun to deal with: a few potential terrorists, or thousands of actual drunks.
Terrorism: Can be driven "crazeee" by our exposed genitalia; thus, it is our duty to expose our genitalia.
This plot: Thankfully did not involve exploding hats, fish, or newspapers, because otherwise some of these people would be in big trouble.
Airport security: Has quickly worked out the hand- and velvet-rope-placement techniques necessary to make sure that this cartoon can appear in a family newspaper -- barely.
Terrorism: Is another excellent excuse to make a joke about Mel Gibson. Hey, did you hear about Mel Gibson?
This plot: Illustrates the darker side of liquids. Sure, it's all fun and games when they addict a prominent actor and make him drive dangerously and insult women and spout anti-Semitic diatribes, but they also can hurt people, and, more importantly, inconvenience people.
Airport security: Is a well-known pawn of the Jews. --THE COMICS CURMUDGEON