Cartoon Violence Is More Beast Than Man
Each week, the Comics Curmudgeon helps explain Today's Cartoons.
What's been the biggest failure of the Bush presidency to date? Oh sure, the mainstream political commentators will be all "unwinnable war" this and "collapsing dollar" that and "increasingly polarized citizenry" whatever; but to our mind, the biggest problem is that we've spent seven years treading water on the human-animal hybrid front. Why does Dubya hate the friendly manimal? Has he learned nothing from Al Gore's senseless opposition to ManBearPig? Whatever his twisted motivation, America's political cartoonists are here to show us the true awesomeness of our semi-human friends. After the jump, see what wonders of science await us in the post-Bush human-animal-hybrid-friendly future.
Specimen characteristics: The fishabee is known in its native habitat as thin-skinned and sharp-toothed. But his sleek scales ensure that he can swim silently into national waters, while his beautiful fins cause observers to ooh and aah as he preens for their amusement.
Drawbacks to the experiment: Lack of open water in Iowa could lead to increasingly rancid fish odor that will grow increasingly difficult to hide with folksy charm.
minister John Howard!
Specimen characteristics: The Howardroo is quite proud of the fact that real H. sapiens makes up a part of its genetic heritage; thus, it insists on wearing suit jackets on the upper part of its body, which is capable of accommodating human clothes. Of course, no pants can accommodate its bestial, monstrous legs, which are used for relentlessly kicking its political opponents and leaping away from predators.
Drawbacks to the experiment: Sticky goo in pouch can cause allies to remain enmeshed there longer than is politically expedient. Less successful specimens went on to become the basis of the outlawed tauntaun breeding program.
Specimen characteristics: Americans have shown that they can't settle on any single Republican candidate. Maybe the answer is instead to force them to work together as a pack! Wouldn't that be great? Mitt, Rudy, John, and Fred, roaming the streets, biting terrorists, humping each other, urinating on things -- it's what the Republican party is all about. Plus we could strap Mitt to the top of a car until he gets so terrified that he shits all over himself.
Drawbacks to the experiment: Ron Paul refuses to submit to government-directed hybridization, preferring to let "free-market genetics" to take their course.
half "candidates" (tiny faces too small to identify individually).
Specimen characteristics: Here's how the cycle of Iowa political life works: Iowa holds its caucuses first, so all presidential candidates have to kiss Iowa's ass, which means corn subsidies will be vast and eternal, which means that corn is artificially and insanely cheap, which means every single foodstuff that Americans (including the candidates) eat is mostly made out of processed corn. By transforming the candidates into some kind of corn blight that eats the delicious yellow kernels while they're still on the stalk, we remove several layers of middlemen and make the whole process more efficient!
Drawbacks to the experiment: Metamorphosis from larval to adult stage may result in accusations of "flip-flopping."
Specimen characteristics: OK, so, if you look at the midriff of the Hillonkey here, you can see the seam that indicates that this is supposed to be the standard-issue political cartoon "two people in a donkey suit" costume (side note: does anyone actually go for the "two people in a horse/donkey/quadruped of some sort" costume any more). But then when you look at Donkary's head, it's smoothly attached to a very animalistic body. Which means that that isn't a costume seam in the middle; it's some sort of horrible scar that goes around this womanimal's body and that's been stitched up!
Drawbacks to the experiment: AND OH MY GOD BILL CLINTON IS INSIDER OF HER (not in the good way) AND CANOODLING WITH SOME INTERN AMONGST HER HUMAN-ANIMAL HYBRID INTERNAL ORGANS YUCK YUCK YUCK --THE COMICS CURMUDGEON