Cartoon Violence Keeps It Short And Sweet

Each week, the Comics Curmudgeon helps explain Today's Cartoons.

I admit to being wordy. I sneer at all those style guides that counsel short, direct sentences. Often, the trauma inherent in the modern political cartoon can only been worked out through long, unspooling clauses piled atop clauses. Unlike Dickens, I am not paid by the word, but this column generally reads as if I am. But sometimes, when a cartoon just goes straight to the heart of horror, you can sum it all up pretty succinctly. More meandering will come your way next week, but today, I present to you: 21 sentences about seven cartoons (and you really only need to read the first one for each).


01fre.gifThe bottom line: Fred Thompson is monstrously ugly.

Grudging elaboration: Can you imagine being a political cartoonist and being compelled to spend somewhere between the next five months and the next nine years drawing Fred Thompson? If you were in that position, would you spend so much loving attention on the eyebags and the liver spots?

02his.gifThe bottom line: Hillary Clinton and Oprah Winfrey are actually hissing she-demons who will battle it out with their razor-sharp claws for our amusement.

Grudging elaboration: "Oprabama" is actually what Winfrey plans to rename Alabama once she buys it sometime in 2009 and transforms it into the heavily armed kingdom that she will rule as an absolute monarch. But don't tell anyone.

03tap.jpgThe bottom line: Homosexual predators are attempting to seduce America's farmers.

Grudging elaboration: Having been driven from airport mens' room by America's brave and extremely pretty policemen, these insatiable gays have gone to the bathrooms of last resort: outhouses. Will the simple, overalled country folk be able to resist the allure of their sexy, sexy gay ankles?

04pav.gifThe bottom line: Pavoratti's appetite is so very prodigious, he has actually eaten heaven.

Grudging elaboration: For years, philosophers and theologians have wondered: could God create a man so fat that he wouldn't fit inside the celestial paradise, but would rather envelop and surround it? Now we know the answer.

05joh.gifThe bottom line: John McCain has donned ladies' undergarments and high-heeled boots and is gyrating suggestively atop his campaign bus.

Grudging elaboration: What's the most disturbing aspect of this cartoon? Oh, yeah, it's the little jiggle lines radiating from his right hip.

06hil.gifThe bottom line: Hillary Clinton is ... this ... horrifying donkey-thing.

Grudging elaboration: JESUS CHRIST, WITHOUT A SNOUT A DONKEY IS A HORRIFYING FLAT-FACED DEMON BEAST FROM BELOW HELL! GIVE HER A SNOUT, I'M BEGGING YOU!

07fre.gifThe bottom line: Though hideously ugly, Fred Thompson will do his best to look good for his big date with an elephant.

Grudging elaboration: Boy, that elephant sure is looking bored while Thompson does all that primping! But he's got to make himself a lot more attractive if he expects the elephant to want to fuck him. --THE COMICS CURMUDGEON

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