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Cartoon Violence Learns Something New Every Day

Each week, the Comics Curmudgeon helps explain Today's Cartoons.

You learn something new every time you pick up the newspaper -- whether about current events, local politics, or art and culture. And when I say "you" here, I'm not using it in some sort of general sense, denoting a generic individual that could be anyone. I'm talking you, specifically, the reader, because you're a moron who needs the ink-stained wretches of the fourth estate to explain how the world works. I, being a highly esteemed professional blogger, already know everything, and only use articles in the newspaper as a launching point to make dick jokes.


But there is one part of the paper that's always enlightening me, and that's the editorial section. These pages are full of helpful cartoons full of useful facts that you'd never know about otherwise. This week: expand your mind as we share the knowledge.

01tom.gifDid you know? ...that erstwhile presidential candidate Tommy Thompson was crucified in Iowa? Not metaphorically, but literally nailed to a cross and left to die from exposure and suffocation.

It's true! Why exactly was poor old Tommy tortured to death in this manner? Was it because he made a clumsy pass at some men in a bar, like Matthew Shepard? Did he lead a revolt of the downtrodden against their cruel masters, like Spartacus? Or was he sent by his divine Father to Earth to die for our sins and thus prepare us for the Kingdom of Heaven? Nobody knows, because nobody's been paying attention to his campaign for months now.

02aus.gifDid you know? ...that French President Nicolas Sarkozy, despite his sexy body and right under the French Constitution to grab anyone's boobs he wants enjoys frotteurism with camel humps?

It's true! But Sarko isn't alone with his insatiable hump-humping desires. It's actually the number one fetish held by Frenchmen, which explains the nation's fanatical desire to maintain control of Algeria in the 1960s despite the drain in men and resources that it represented for the failing French state. The French only agreed to withdraw after a secret deal struck between Charles de Gaulle and the FLN to send hundreds of the sexiest of the desert ungulates to Paris each year.

03san.gifDid you know? ...that the sinister Chinese, not satisfied with poisoning our pets and children and exploiting their own people, are training penguins to serve as workers in their American-poisoning sweatshops?

It's true! Though penguins might have a harder time building shoddy toys and electronic equipment, since they lack thumbs or indeed digits of any kind, they're so very cost effective that it's believed that they can be hired in great enough numbers to make the move to a penguin-based economy work. Rumor has it that Russia's seemingly bizarre move to claim the North Pole in a submarine is part of their plan to counter the Chinese menace with by manning Russian factories with walruses and polar bears.

04kar.gifDid you know? ... that every American home has an enormous video monitor hidden in the wall of one of its rooms, through which Karl Rover can communicate with any of us, at any time, to inform us of his whims and sinister demands?

It's true! And obviously, like the White House email system, this communication network is under the private control of Rove, not the office of the president or the US government. The question is, what will he use it for after his retirement? Now that he won't have the strict checks on his actions and the strong oversight from his superiors that are par for the course when working for the Bush administration, who knows what will happen the next time we see that bald, mushy face on our RoveVisors?

05arp.gifDid you know? ...that the AARP plans to feed your children to wolves?

It's true! Actually, it really is true. The AARP knows that its members only care about young people to the extent that they work hard to shore up the Social Security system for another ten years, tops, and listen to droning stories about the Great Depression. Did you forget to write a thank-you notes when you that $5 bill for a birthday gift? No? Then to the wolves with you! Don't fuck with the AARP, bitches! --THE COMICS CURMUDGEON

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