Cartoon Violence Loves Shaking Hands, Hates Kissing Babies
Each week, the Comics Curmudgeon helps explain Today's Cartoons.
You know, we have a lot to learn from the Ukrainians. And I'm not just talking about their predilections for hot, hot PMILF action; they also, after three divisive elections in three years (don't get them started on the red oblast/blue oblast divide), seem to have a fairly realistic view of the election process, if this political cartoon is any indication:
Yeah, see, you think that voting is going to be like eating a block of delicious cheese, but then the massive, spring-loaded steel bar comes down and snaps your spine in half.
Anyway, as you may or may not have heard, we here in the United States are going to have our election going on in a mere thirteen months or so. And American political cartoonists are on the case as well! They're haven't got it quite down to the basics the way their Ukrainian counterparts have, but give them time.
Proposed title: "The presidential race is very much like The Wizard of Oz, but with polls!"
Quibbles: Wait a minute Mr. Cartoonist Guy; are you just working off a generic Wizard of Oz template or something? Are you just going to bust this exact same drawing out again when it comes time to compare the Wizard of Oz to the budget deficit or some crap like that? Because, see, there are some real, real obvious correlation to the characters and candidates, to wit:
- Scarecrow: John Edwards/Mitt Romney
- Tin Man: Barack Obama/Sam Brownback
- Cowardly Lion: Joe Biden/Fred Thompson
- Dorothy: Hillary Clinton/Rudy Giuliani
See how easy it is? DON'T MAKE ME COME IN THERE AND CARICATURE FOR YOU!!
Proposed title: "Hillary and Obama take different technological paths"
Quibbles: This could actually be the beginning of a whole series based on technological turning points from the past. "Obama chose analog computing ... Hillary chose digital! Obama built SUVs ... Hillary built hybrids! Obama chose OS/2 ... Hillary chose Linux!" It would all make about as much sense as this, which is to say none.
Proposed title: "Chris Dodd has a normal-looking face that's perched atop some sort of horrifying, flabby, wobbling, inverted fleshpyramid of a neck that cascades down into is collar in a most unsettling manner"
Quibbles: I'm not going to lie to you: I've never actually seen Chris Dodd in person, or even in anything larger than a postage-stamp-sized picture on the computer screen. So maybe he really looks like this? If so, I question his ability to be elected to the presidency, and I'm surprised that he got elected to the Senate. Do they not have TV in Connecticut?
Proposed title: "Rudy Giuliani and a set of generic 'Christian Right' figures have grown like parasitic homunculi in the Republican Elephant's shins and have now burst through its skin"
Quibbles: I'm all for depicting the iconic GOP elephant having its legs eaten away by demon imps and all, but is it too much to ask for to see a little blood? On the other hand, this would make a blockbuster alibi for Larry Craig: "Your honor, it wasn't me who attempted to play footsie with that pretty, pretty undercover officer: it was the allegorical miniatures who had seized control of my shoes!"
Proposed title: "Dennis Kucinich's campaign may not be entirely serious"
Quibbles: I'm pretty sure those of us "on the inside" already knew that. But thank goodness the masses got it explained to them in cartoon form! Now they won't do anything rash, like voting for him.
Proposed title: "Rudy Giuliani is going to do something unspeakable to you with his 'ruler'"
Quibbles: Normally, the little artist stand-in dude at the bottom left corner of a political cartoon doesn't really have much of interest to say. But this cartoon is really fairly ordinary -- Rudy in drag, check; Rudy is hateful and awkward, check -- but then they slip Rudy's ruler in there. Dear God, Rudy's ruler. --THE COMICS CURMUDGEON