Cartoon Violence Presents: Medals Of Incomprehensibility

Each week, the Comics Curmudgeon helps explain Today's Cartoons.

Yeah, he's running the country while we're sitting around in our pajamas smugly criticizing political cartoons, but we kind of think that anything George Bush can do, we can do too. So if he's handing out stupid medals to losers, then we want in on that action! Today, we will single out the most baffling of this week's political cartoons for the awe and appreciation that their muddledness has rightfully earned them. Then, since we're not entirely sure that this conceit will provide enough larfs for you, the long-suffering reader, we will make a desperate and tenuous attempt to stave off Wonkette's favorite new commentor by explaining how each relates to the UN Millennium Goals. Enjoy!

01bay.gifThe award is: Most obscure Democrats who will never, ever be president crammed into one cartoon.

Incomprehensibility factor: Who are the the two dudes in the back, behind Gore and Richardson, and who's the jaunty fellow with the jaunty eyebrows boxed between Kerry, Gore, and Edwards? I figure one of them has to be this so-called "Vilsack" character, in whose existence I refuse to fully believe. Bayh cheats by wearing a button, which he'd better do in real life, because nobody has any idea who the hell he is, either.

Never mind that: It would be great if these clowns were asking Santa to help end third-world poverty, but according to the Borgen Project, we can make Christmas real by fully finding the UN Millennium Goals.

02jog.gifThe award is: Most horrifyingly jowly caricacture of James Baker.

Incomprehensibility factor: For the love of Christ, why does his neck look like that? Does it have something to do with the fact that his head is nearly twice as tall has his torso?

Never mind that: This entire administration needs to go back to school. Maybe their teacher could explain to them the importance of fully funding the UN Millennium Goals. You can learn more at

03put.gifThe award is: Most deranged mishmash of twisted cultural iconography.

Incomprehensibility factor: Scotland Yard represented by the stereotypical Sherlock Holmes? Pish posh: Everyone knows Holmes was a vigilante, the original Charles Bronson, except with steely logic and cocaine instead of a gun. Also, the reindeer is smoking. In the hospital. There's a smoking reindeer in the hospital. Words cannot describe how hilarious that is to me.

Never mind that: It doesn't take Sherlock Holmes to see that the UN Millennium Goals are horribly underfunded. All the clues will lead you to a satisfying conclusion: the Borgen Project has the answers.

04isg.gifThe award is: The "Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has a Segway" memorial award.

Incomprehensibility factor: Seriously, the President of Iran appears to have rolled up on a combination podium-Segway. I suppose it's the perfect tool for staging guerilla press conferences, as you can just roll in and out of the briefing room at a moment's notice.

Never mind that: If we were to lean forward metaphorically ever so slightly as a society, we could drive the silent, smooth-electric scooter device that is the UN Millennium Goals forward. Instead, we're leaning backwards ... or ... we're going to fall off ... or ... something. Hell, I've never ridden on one of these dork machines. I don't have time for that, since I spend my free time reading

05xms.gifThe award is: Laziest holiday-themed generic computer shopping joke.

Incomprehensibility factor: 'Cause it's a computer, see! And it's Christmas, see! And it sort of rhymes, see! And this makes no fucking sense, see!

Never mind that: If the baby Jesus were alive today, and He were sitting in front of this computer, I think He would reach out with one of His adorable little chubby hands and type "". I'm not sure how He would do it on this three-row keyboard, but He's omnipotent so I bet He could pull it off.

06bol.gifThe award is: Lamest excuse for a John Bolton mustache joke.

Incomprehensibility factor: This cartoon might have worked better if (a) it appeared in newspapers during the season in which snow was beginning to melt, instead of the season in which it first fell, (b) John Bolton actually melted into a puddle of goo, and (c) John Bolton's mustache, which resembles Wilford Brimley, instead resembled the one on the guy on the Pringles can.

Never mind that: God damn but I love me some Pringles. Have you had the sour cream and onion kind? How about a new UN Millennium Goal: getting me some God damned Pringles. Why don't you get on that one, Borgen? --THE COMICS CURMUDGEON


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