Cartoon Violence Probably Won't Survive The Next Fifteen Months

Each week, the Comics Curmudgeon helps explain Today's Cartoons.

Hey, did you hear? There's going to be an election of some sort in, oh, November 2008 or so. I know, that's, like, a long way off! Plenty of time for us to catch up when need be, right? I mean, there's no point in trying to figure out now what's going to happen in fifteen God-damned months, right? And anyone who'd waste their time following the travails of a bunch of jackasses who have the nerve to ruin a perfectly good off-year summer by running around boasting about their governing prowess and forcing suckers to cough up cash to fund the running around and the boasting is a lunatic who's totally not worthy of our time and attention, right? RIGHT? RIGHT???

Sigh. Welcome to the future of democracy, bitches: The Eternal Campaign. This week, we bow to the inevitable and talk about some cartoons featuring jerks running for president.

01hil.gifThe candidate: Hillary Clinton.

Pro: Ability to cobble together wardrobe and umbrella from local foliage, as well as to maintain her musket in difficult, primitive conditions, speaks to her resourcefulness. Current situation reminds nation of the lovable castaways of Gilligan's Island.

Cons: Very difficult to raise gobs and gobs of liquid cash while stranded on a desert island. Inability to navigate real ship might give Americans pause in regards to allowing her to navigate the ship of state, if Americans still used or understood metaphors.

Final assessment: At least she isn't an invisible threatening savage in enormous shoes like Obama.

02mcc.gifThe candidate: John McCain.

Pros: Terrifying Robocop-style cyborg apparatus and enormous weaponry replaced by fuzzy bunny form, reminding voters of Bugs Bunny, beloved trickster hero.

Cons: Real-life cyborg killing machines would instill terror in the hearts of ordinary humans, but at least those viewers would flee. A real-life fuzzy bunny with the jowly, balding head of WALNUTS! McCain would also instill terror, but its non-threatening bunny form would instead inspire ordinary humans to beat the unnatural beast to death with a shovel.

Final assessment: Being beaten to death with a shovel may be less painful than going from "front-runner with mantle of inevitability" to "less cash on hand than Ron Paul."

03rud.gifThe candidate: Rudy Giuliani.

Pros: He looks very presidential and official and leader-y as he wields that megaphone with almost preternatural confidence.

Cons: He's standing proudly atop a mountain of human corpses.

Final assessment: Like 1972, 2004 proved that standing atop a mountain of human corpses does not in fact preclude your election to the presidency.

04oba.gifThe candidates: Barack Obama and John McCain.

Pros: Obama gets to show that he's concerned about the plight of the poor with his serious face. McCain gets to look like an adorable Dickensian orphan, and everybody loves adorable Dickensian orphans. Don't you just want to hug him?

Cons: With observers already concerned about McCain's age, the possibility that he might succumb to scurvy, rickets, cholera, tuberculoses, or some other disease rampant in Victorian London might further cloud his prospects for election.

Final assessment: Are Americans ready to elect a black president? They might be, if the guy he's running against is a 71-year-old three-foot-tall sad-eyed hobo.

05dod.gifThe candidates: Chris Dodd.

Pros: Ohmygod! Hey, Chris, a major political cartoonist remembers that you exist -- and are in fact still running for President! This could be the breakthrough that catapults you to second-tier candidate status!

Cons: Cartoonist clearly just wanted to draw dancing ladies in Uncle Sam hats and tankinis, and openly admits that he picked Dodd solely because his name is easy to rhyme (and said rhymes look funny when written with extra "D"s).

Final assessment: They say there's no such thing as bad publicity; as David Vitter will tell you, that's not really true, but when your Chris Dodd, it kind of is. --THE COMICS CURMUDGEON


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