Cartoon Violence So Crazy

Each week, the Comics Curmudgeon helps explain Today's Cartoons.

You know, we're beginning to realize that our consumption of political cartoons is different from that of the average American in both quantity and quality. Most people don't read political cartoons at all, because they're boring and stupid, just like reading itself. Those who do read them generally scan their editorial pages briefly, remark, "Huh, George Bush has gotten all turned around in Iraq -- just like Nicole Richie the other day!" and move on to the weather. We, on the other hand, are forced by our cruel taskmasters at Gawker Media to slog through endless reams of political cartoons. As a result, we begin to feel a deep revulsion for those comics that are predictable; unfortunately, as we read more and more political cartoons, the only ones we can no longer predict are the ones that are totally insane. So this week, we salute those comics that went that extra mile into total lunacy. We don't really "get" them, per se, but they distracted us from the Nicole Richie jokes.

01hil.gifTotally normal aspect: Two Senators out for a walk in our nation's capital, exchanging insincere greetings.

Totally insane aspect: While Hillary is casually walking a yappy little dog, Obama is taking a pair of disembodied tap-dancing athletic shoes out for a stroll. This makes less and less sense the more I stare at it.

Did you know? If Obama had been wearing the tap shoes, and possibly singing "Bojangles", that would have almost certainly been racist. As it is, this cartoon is merely deranged.

02gay.gifTotally normal aspect: Vice Presidential lesbian daughter Mary Cheney is knitting an adorable lesbian booty for her up and coming lesbian baby.

Totally insane aspect: A mean-faced, fat-headed social conservative is knitting a protest sign.

Did you know? If you're a male social conservative and you knit a protest sign, that totally makes you gay, and if you show up with your little knit sign at your conservative sign, everyone's going to know.

03rum.gifTotally normal aspect: George Bush is attempting to woo Lady Justice with a bugged bouquet of flowers.

Totally insane aspect: Also on the wooing agenda: A box of candy labeled "Rummy nut-filled balls."

Did you know? [Sentence involving the outgoing Secretary of Defense's testicles, making much hay out of the current youth slang term "nut," meaning semen, deleted in the name of good taste.]

04gay.gifTotally normal aspect: Ah, the Great White Way! Broadway! Theater at its best! Full of gays! And Jews! As it should be!

Totally insane aspect: Whoah whoah whoah. Gay ... Jews? Hold the phone!

Did you know? After the Rapture, the forces of Christ and Anti-Christ will do literal battle for control over almost all of the Earth, but the gays and Jews will allowed to duke it out for the remains of the American entertainment industry.

05nat.gifTotally normal aspect: A mysterious conservative figure has made off with the Cheney grandchild/Christ child from a lesbian creche scene.

Totally insane aspect: Nothing. There is clearly absolutely nothing even remotely odd about any of this.

Did you know? Thanks to the meddling ACLU, many communities have been forced to remove their traditional lesbian creche scenes from their courthouses and city halls. Some have attempted to accommodate other beliefs by including lesbian menorahs. --THE COMICS CURMUDGEON


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