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Cartoon Violence: Unrelenting Horror Edition

Each week, the Comics Curmudgeon helps explain Today's Cartoons.


Oh sure, you say, every installment of Cartoon Violence ought by right to be called the "unrelenting horror edition." Well, I'm not just talking about run-of-the-mill horror, folks; I'm here to get into the depths of real horror, the kind you usually only see in the darkest, most disturbing horror films that are marketed to teenagers. You know, your Saws, your Hostels, your Rings, and the like. These slick, CGI-heavy explorations of the dark nature of the human soul and our terror of the darkness have nothing on the following set of cartoons, which will destroy everything you think you know about how the world works. After the jump: severed heads, walking corpses, and Charlie Crist with pigtails.

01tb.gifIf this were a horror film released on Memorial Day without being screened for critics, it would be called: Skeleton Plague: Terror In The Skies

Elevator pitch: A shambling undead skeleton-ghoul lurches through security at an unsuspecting American airport. The TSA agent lets him pass, even though he has shampoo in his luggage ... yet, as a skeleton, he doesn't have any hair!

Bonus horror: Not only are those drug-resistant tuberculosis bacteria so huge as to actually be visible, but they are apparently capable of Busby Berkeley-style coordinated movement, spelling out "TB".

02al.gifIf this were a horror film released on Memorial Day without being screened for critics, it would be called: Al Gore IS The Shapeshifter

Elevator pitch: In his relentless quest to save the Earth from global warming, former Vice President Al Gore consumed an experimental formula that gave him the power to change his shape at will. Unfortunately, because he is extremely boring, he generally only assumes very dull forms, like old tires.

Bonus horror: Someone's spent a little too much time working on the Gore crotchal region in the first panel for my taste.

03boo.gifIf this were a horror film released on Memorial Day without being screened for critics, it would be called: Miss Bush Popularity!

Elevator pitch: OK, so it's more "wacky comedy" than "bone-chilling horror," but you have to admit that there's something profoundly unnerving about George Bush's face on a sexy lady's body. I mean, yeah, we all saw this and this, but still, it's uncanny. This may explain why Barbara is more popular than Jenna, by the way.

Bonus horror: This cartoon is a reference to this, in case you're wondering, but for everyone other than the dozens who watched the Miss Universe pageant, this has to be fairly disorienting even without the whole sexy-lady-Bush thing. It's like s/he's sitting on the ground, flashing some ankle to seduce the crowd. I'd boo.

04bal.gifIf this were a horror film released on Memorial Day without being screened for critics, it would be called: The Basketball Beheading Diaries

Elevator pitch: Tired of fighting the ex-President Clinton by proxy, Barack Obama takes on the Clinton machine the only way he knows how: on the court. But Bill's going to be in for a big surprise once the game gets started...

Bonus horror: Wait, the cartoon involves Obama playing basketball with Hillary's God-damned severed head. Do you really need a bonus horror? Fine, uh, Bill's wearing some short shorts. Are you happy?

05vet.gifIf this were a horror film released on Memorial Day without being screened for critics, it would be called: Pirate Of The Caribbean: A Movie About Totally Straight Pirates Doing Not At All Gay Things With Each Other On A Boat

Elevator pitch: Entirely heterosexual Florida Governor Charlie Crist plays a not at all sexually ambiguous character in this family-friendly pirate romp. You'll be delightfully frightened by his weird pigtails and big bitey teeth!

Bonus horror: Aaargh? Aaargh? Say it with me: AHHHRRRRRRR. That's how ye talk like pirate, matey.

06imm.gifIf this were a horror film released on Memorial Day without being screened for critics, it would be called: Basket Case 4: Elephant Graveyard

Elevator pitch: For the better part of a generation, one political party has fused two living things into one, with separate heads battling to control the commingled pachyderm bowels. The climactic separation scheme is filmed in "Splatter-o-Rama"; the first few rows will get wet.

Bonus horror: The right-wing head better take off that tiara thing if it wants to keep James Dobson's endorsement. --THE COMICS CURMUDGEON

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