Cartoon Violence: Wall-To-Wall Worldwide Wolfucking Edition
If you're reading these words, you're almost certainly an American, because this is a "blog" on the "Internet," and both things were invented by that great American Al Gore and so only Americans have access to Internet blogs. If you somehow got to an American computer and you're not an American, you should no doubt be landscaping our lawn or teaching our shiftless college-age children chemistry rather than reading this, so off with you.
Anyway, since you're an American, things that happen outside of America -- a place we like to call "the world" -- are by definition not particularly interesting to you. So you probably haven't really been following the drama involving the President of the World Bank ("bank" is intriguing, but the "world" part, not so much), who, you may be surprised to find out, is himself an American. But it turns out that these citizens of the world hate the American who is president of their bank. We can determine this because foreign political cartoonists have drawn some angry, angry cartoons and sent them via air mail to the Americans who run the Internet, who then uploaded them so we can read them on our computers. So, this week's Cartoon Violence introduces you to vitriolic rage from people in countries that you don't actually care about.
Wolfie's biggest problem: Attempting to subdue a beast carrying one too many indicators of its symbolic status. Look, it's a pig and a piggy bank (get it?) and it has a map of the world on it (get it?) and it has the incredibly boring depths-of-late-1940s-graphic-design World Bank logo on its side (GET IT??? IT'S THE WORLD BANK!!!). President Bush, looking on, seems most concerned about the fact that his appointee has not adequately suited up in faux cowboy gear before embarking on his pig-subduing mission.
Level of sexual innuendo: None, blessedly, though that pig looks awful angry to be pointed from behind.
Wolfie's biggest problem: Those monogrammed George Bush socks, which are the administration's trademark parting gift to the endless stream of disgraced war criminals being foisted off on other hapless organizations, are not as well made as you might expect from a regime with a sterling reputation for competence and attention to detail.
Level of sexual innuendo: None, unless you count foot fetishists who would be attracted by the level of artistic craftsmanship that's been lavished on Wolfowitz's shiny, shiny big toenails. And really, I'm trying very hard not to count them.
Wolfie's biggest problem: When you're a horrifying human-headed vulture-vampire, returning to your nest to vomit out cash onto the waiting tongue of your creepy blonde-haired big-breasted looking-nothing-like-Shaha-Riza "chick," you don't have problems; you are a problem.
Level of sexual innuendo: Repulsively high, what with the positioning of the Wolfowitz vulture-vampire between the eager outspread legs of the chick-thing. This may in fact be the foulest cartoon this feature has ever encountered.
Wolfie's biggest problem: Not taking Hollywood legend Martha Raye's advice in regards to choosing a denture adhesive brand. Also, not taking into adequate consideration the amount of circus acrobatic performance required of the president of the World Bank (he had assumed it would mostly involve fundraising and administrative work). Also, eating solid food.
Level of sexual innuendo: If you can think about sex after seeing a drawing of Paul Wolfowitz plummeting to his death after his teeth have been ripped right out of his mouth, congratulations: You're much more depraved than we are. Send in your application to be a Wonkette editor immediately.
Wolfie's biggest problem: Fellas! It's all well and good having the ladies around the house, but they always are complaining about the mess! But then they just leave their frilly unmentionables hanging up where you might accidentally tangle your neck up in it! It's like you can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em, am I right?
Level of sexual innuendo: I never, ever wanted to see Paul Wolfowitz in the midst of a session of autoerotic asphyxiation, but now that I'm here, I have to say that it depresses me that he doesn't look like he's enjoying himself more. --THE COMICS CURMUDGEON