Cartoon Violence Will Be In Scotland Before Ye

Each week, we invite the Comics Curmudgeon to explain Today's Cartoons.

You may not believe this, but we here at Cartoon Violence would love to see an elevated political discourse in this country. You know, people clearly staking out their positions on the issues, debating each other on matters of substance, trusting voters to choose the candidate whose values and policy preferences match their own, yadda yadda yadda. But if there's anything that hard experience has taught us, it's that nobody else in America is interested in that kind of crap, and the major political parties are more than happy to go along with the prevailing political mood. The Republicans are all like THEY'LL LET TERRORISTS KILL YOU and the Democrats are all like THEY FUCKED UP THE WAR and Republicans are all like THEY'LL LET GAYS RUIN YOUR MARRIAGE and the Democrats are all like THEY'LL LET GAYS ELECTRONICALLY MOLEST YOUR SONS and Republicans are all like THEY EAT PUPPIES and Democrats are like THEY EAT KITTIES, AND DO SO INCOMPETENTLY.

Well, you know what? We can play at that game too. And so, on that note, we offer some cartoons that probably have some weighty point to make, but we're just going to find something juvenile about them to make fun of.

01neg.gifYou take the high road: As noted, both major parties have forsaken intelligent political debate and have decided to focus on low-road mud-slinging.

And we'll take the low road: Hey, look at their eyebrows! They're all thick and caterpillar-like. Ha ha! Eyebrows! They look like Bert and Ernie!

Point to ponder: You know all those rumors about the real nature of Bert and Ernie's relationship? Do you think ... nah, couldn't be.

02fir.gifYou take the high road: Senator Mike DeWine is doing so badly in his Senate race that other Republicans are trying to "wall themselves off" from him.

And we'll take the low road: Ha ha, Mike DeWine is on fire! Soon he'll die in agony after being horribly burned to death! Hoo hah! He'll be all like, "Oh my God, I'm on fire, someone throw water on me, please!" But no one will! Hee!

Point to ponder: Why do firemen use dalmatians as their mascots? I hear they're ill-tempered and prone to fits. They should use elephants, who could make themselves useful by squirting water out of their trunks. That'd be so boss.

03oct.gifYou take the high road: Democrats and Republicans desperately try to top each other with tawdry revelations, but only succeed in further alienating voters, who lose sight of the issues for the mud-slinging.

And we'll take the low road: Ha, that man is showing those ladies his thingy! And from the look on their faces, it's probably really small! Ha ha, a flasher with a small thingy! Hoo!

Point to ponder: Never has there been such call for the phrase "Cocktober Surprise." Sadly, Gawker Media's fanatical protection of its registered trademarks prevents the use of these words by other creative outlets.

04eth.gifYou take the high road: How can we expect any strong penalties against unethical behavior out of a body like the House Ethics Committee, whose membership is itself rife with ethical violations and conflicts of interest?

And we'll take the low road: Hoo, that old guy has crazy eyes that point in different directions! What a weirdo! Ha ha! Crazy-eyed, bushy-eyebrowed, lamp-toting freak!

Point to ponder: Seriously, is the political cartooning community suddenly of the collective opinion that Americans will be amused by and/or understand Diogenes of Sinope jokes? Because they won't, OK? They really won't.

05nk.gifYou take the high road: With a belligerent North Korea in possession of nuclear weapons, ordinary Americans are understandably on edge.

And we'll take the low road: Ha ha, that old man is crazy! Look at that out-of-date uniform -- he's probably a doddering, senile old Korean War vet having flashbacks! Ha! Crazy old coot!

Point to ponder: With the military stretched as thin as it is in the Middle East, PTSD-rage-triggered Korean War vets are probably all that stand between us and forcible annexation to the Dear Leader's domain.

06nk.gifYou take the high road: The recent North Korean nuclear test was a public embarrassment to the Bush administration, which had very publicly staked out a more confrontational position on the issue than its predecessors.

And we'll take the low road: Look at that! That man's pants fell down! Ha ha! The little dwarf undid his button! Now you can see his knobby knees! Ha!

Point to ponder: Can you really get boxer shorts that say "North Korean Nuclear Policy" on them? You can, thanks to CafePress. I order someone to create a "North Korean Nuclear Policy Undergarment Store" post-haste. --COMICS CURMUDGEON


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