Cartoon Violence's War On Christmas
Hark! The herald ... oh, you know what? Fuck it. Just fuck it. This is going up the Friday afternoon before Christmas. None of you assclowns in D.C. are near your computers; most of you are drinking heavily to numb the hurt in your soul before you have to go back to the sticks, face the family, and explain to them why you can't do something socially useful, like your brother-in-law the taxidermist. Those few of you who are actually doing paid work are outgoing Republican staffers, shredding like hell one feverish step in front of the indictments.
Yet Cartoon Violence is still here to guide you through a confusing cross-hatched landscape. This week, we take a penetrating look at how the scribblers of the editorial funnies have been drafted into the liberal media's overarching war on Christmas. The following cartoons take on the hallowed traditions that we hold so dear in this season of joy and then crap on them.
Betrayed by: Making a reference to the 2008 presidential election, which FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PEOPLE IT'S TWO YEARS AWAY CAN WE PLEASE NOT TALK ABOUT IT FOR ANOTHER SIX MONTHS OR SO PLEASE?
Mitigating factor: Barack Obama = biracial, toothy Jesus? Edgy.
Betrayed by: Having Jimmy Stewart rant into the post-1950s culture wars. Also, making Donna Reed, who is a stone cold fox in this movie (remember the scene where she falls out of her robe? Hubba!) look really weird.
Mitigating factor: Admit it: you hate the "angel gets his wings" bit, but you love it when Jimmy rages against his stupid little town, slaps around his drunk Uncle Billy, or gets punched in the face in a bar.
Betrayed by: George Bush, sleeping alone (hmmmm) visualizing a neon-lighted victory advance.
Mitigating factor: The president associating the ostensibly heterosexual military with "sugar plums" will not sit well with his conservative base.
Betrayed by: Jesus Christ, Dubya, would it kill you to put on a beard? I know you've just been through your last election, but you can not just coast through the next two years like this.
Mitigating factor: Wouldn't it be awesome if, instead of releasing detailed statistical analyses, major polling firms just trained toddlers to express their collated results in the form of crying, giggling adorably, napping, and the like?
Betrayed by: Dirty sex. Why can't you just find fat smelly old semiemployed men who make kids sit on their lap creepy without bringing sex into it?
Mitigating factor: I'm not sure what it mitigates, but mom's weird hunchback and protruding ass is hilarious to me.
Betrayed by: Baby Jesus, the ULTIMATE WEAPON!
Mitigating factor: I always knew that, under the right circumstances, the baby Jesus would make an effective bludgeon. But what is his range as a projectile weapon and/or blast radius? This should keep theologians occupied for years once they figure out the whole "angels on the head of a pin" deal. --THE COMICS CURMUDGEON