Catholic Church Considers Finding Nicer Way To Tell Homos They're Gonna Burn In Hell
Lost in translation
Time for another sexy funtimes sleepover at the pope's house, and all the coolest bishops are invited! Last year, at the Synod, they all had such a good time, making s'mores and friendship bracelets and learning how marrieds sex each other and promising to be BFFs and guessing which one of them was gay. (Hahaha, ALL OF THEM.) And then they gossiped about this idea of starting to work on thinking about considering the possibility of being a tad bit not so dickish to The Gays. But then they were like, "Nah, screw that, never mind," because the Church's No Homo rule is direct from God His own self, can't argue with God! (Except for when sometimes you can -- like how New Pope recently said chicks can avoid hell for having an abortion, if they beg for mercy, but just for this one year only.) after having Then they hugged and sang by the campfire and promised to write each other all year, and ooh, can't wait to see you again next summer!
Well, it is next summer, and Pope Frank has finished his vacay of brunching with his gays in DC, and telling Kim Davis to stop giving him that "You wanna be my nextest husband? You'd look so hawt in overalls!" look because creepy gross weird ewwwwwwww. So it's time for another gathering of the bishops, to discuss how they might update some of their more archaic dogma -- like maybe stop telling gaysexuals they're gonna burn in hell for sticking their dicks in the wrong kinds of holes, and we don't just mean the underage altar boys those priests are so fond of:
Catholics should stop using condescending language such as "pity" toward homosexuals and find ways to welcome them as sons and daughters of the Church, bishops have told a major gathering on the family. [...]
"(The bishops said) there must be an end to exclusionary language and a strong emphasis on embracing reality as it is. We should not be afraid of new and complex situations," Father Tom Rosica said in summarizing some of the interventions.
He said that the bishops had called for "a new form of language, in particular in speaking of homosexuals ... we do not pity gay persons but we recognize them for who they are. They are our sons and daughters, our brothers and sisters, our neighbors and our colleagues."
That's right, the homosextarians are their colleagues, like Monsignor Krysztof Olaf Charamsa, who just stepped out of the closet WITH HIS BOYFRIEND and was promptly fired for it. Would be nice if they could not do that anymore (hostile work environment!) and accept the reality of this newfangled butt-humping and vag-on-vag action all the kids are into these days, for the first time ever and certainly not since the beginning of time, in The Garden. (Actually, funny side note: That's an urban legend, because Adam was totally into Steve. Sometimes they let the missus watch. True story.)
Anyway, since telling gays "Just marry a lady and don't do gay stuff" only works on Mormons, apparently, it seems time, or even about 2000 years past time, for the Catholic Church to do unto others and remember the golden rule and stop being fartbags to The Gays. Hooray for progress!
But we've been hurt before -- a year ago, when they said they'd look into that and then bait-and-switched us with not doing that -- so while we remain very tentatively hopeful, we're not quite dumb enough to hold our breaths until we turn gay.