Catholic League Pretty Sure They've Put Guinness Out of Business By Now
Remember on Saint Patrick's Day when shitty beers like Heineken and tolerable beers like Sam Adams and Guinness all decided to boycott the parades in New York City (Heineken and Guinness) and Boston (Sam Adams) and lo, there was much Bill Donohue and Catholic League (which is really just Bill Donohue, right?) sadness, and they embarked upon a quixotic attempt to get people to boycott Guinness? Today, the Catholic League released their EXTREMELY scientific survey about their boycott, and it is pretty much the bestest boycott ever you guys.
First, the Catholic League thinks Guinness is just being a big old bully by -- well, we're not sure who or what they're bullying. They are bullies because they didn't let a bunch of drunk Irish and pretend Irish people puke up their beer for one day only? Or they're bullying Catholics somehow, maybe, because oh Christ you try to figure it out.
"Gay activists, and their tony heterosexual buddies, don't have a beef with the Irish—they seek to punish Catholics for holding to traditional moral beliefs. It's the religious element to these parades, not the ethnic factor, that is motivating Guinness to act like a corporate bully," the release read.
If someone doesn't make a "tony heterosexual buddy" shirt for straight people before New York City's Pride Parade, all is lost.
OK, the gays pushed the Catholics around and then Guinness unfriended the Catholics, so Bill Donohue decided to give them what for. The boycott was apparently so successful that it was expanded just last week but is now somehow concluded this week. Must have been a helluva seven days. Let's check out Bill Donohue's report of how awesome Bill Donohue was at boycotting things, shall we?
We did an online survey of pub owners in many cities, and the results are as follows:
75 report a decrease in sales
24 report no difference in sales
4 report an increase in sales
Many cities! We can't tell you which ones, because then we'd have to kill you, and we can't reveal whether we surveyed 5 bars or 100 bars, but for sure they're not selling Guinness because of Bill Donohue.
Bill, please explain your methodology to the class.
From what we have determined, it appears that the decrease in sales is due to three factors: (a) there is a drop off in sales following St. Patrick’s Day (b) the increase in the sales of craft beers is hurting Guinness and (c) the boycott is working.
We're not really sure how Bill controlled for (a) and (b) here, but we're sure he did, because Bill Donohue would never be slipshod about his research. Besides, he's got all these great anecdotal reports from
his imaginary friends bar owners.
“April-May 2014: We sold 1,030 pints; April-May 2013: We sold 1,245 pints”
“I have switched to other stouts”
“Holding back on buying Guinness”
“Our sales are down 3-4%”
“I was gonna pull Guinness but instead I put Murphy’s in beside it”
“I own 12 bars in Manhattan and I will let you know that we are disgusted with Guinness”
“My Guinness sales have declined by about 40%”
“I sold my stock in Diageo when I first heard the news”
Funny how not even one of those pretend people was willing to be quoted by name for their brave stand against Guinness. Truly the gays must be a menace if they've silenced all god-fearing bar owners.
As we never tire of explaining (ok, that's a lie -- we're totally tired of it), this is how capitalism works, motherfuckers. The gays and people that like the gays have more purchasing and boycotting power than Bill Donahue and his ilk, and that pendulum is likely never going to swing back, so good luck pretend boycotting every company as they distance themselves from people like you. Soon they'll just have Chick-fil-A left. They can have it. We'll happily take all the beer instead.