Catholic League Pretty Sure They've Put Guinness Out of Business By Now


Remember on Saint Patrick's Day when shitty beers like Heineken and tolerable beers like Sam Adams and Guinness all decided to boycott the parades in New York City (Heineken and Guinness) and Boston (Sam Adams) and lo, there was much Bill Donohue and Catholic League (which is really just Bill Donohue, right?) sadness, and they embarked upon a quixotic attempt to get people to boycott Guinness? Today, the Catholic League released their EXTREMELY scientific survey about their boycott, and it is pretty much the bestest boycott ever you guys.

First, the Catholic League thinks Guinness is just being a big old bully by -- well, we're not sure who or what they're bullying. They are bullies because they didn't let a bunch of drunk Irish and pretend Irish people puke up their beer for one day only? Or they're bullying Catholics somehow, maybe, because oh Christ you try to figure it out.

"Gay activists, and their tony heterosexual buddies, don't have a beef with the Irish—they seek to punish Catholics for holding to traditional moral beliefs. It's the religious element to these parades, not the ethnic factor, that is motivating Guinness to act like a corporate bully," the release read.

If someone doesn't make a "tony heterosexual buddy" shirt for straight people before New York City's Pride Parade, all is lost.

OK, the gays pushed the Catholics around and then Guinness unfriended the Catholics, so Bill Donohue decided to give them what for. The boycott was apparently so successful that it was expanded just last week but is now somehow concluded this week. Must have been a helluva seven days. Let's check out Bill Donohue's report of how awesome Bill Donohue was at boycotting things, shall we?

We did an online survey of pub owners in many cities, and the results are as follows:

75 report a decrease in sales

24 report no difference in sales

4 report an increase in sales

Many cities! We can't tell you which ones, because then we'd have to kill you, and we can't reveal whether we surveyed 5 bars or 100 bars, but for sure they're not selling Guinness because of Bill Donohue.

Bill, please explain your methodology to the class.

From what we have determined, it appears that the decrease in sales is due to three factors: (a) there is a drop off in sales following St. Patrick’s Day (b) the increase in the sales of craft beers is hurting Guinness and (c) the boycott is working.

We're not really sure how Bill controlled for (a) and (b) here, but we're sure he did, because Bill Donohue would never be slipshod about his research. Besides, he's got all these great anecdotal reports from his imaginary friends bar owners.

“April-May 2014: We sold 1,030 pints; April-May 2013: We sold 1,245 pints”

“I have switched to other stouts”

“Holding back on buying Guinness”

“Our sales are down 3-4%”

“I was gonna pull Guinness but instead I put Murphy’s in beside it”

“I own 12 bars in Manhattan and I will let you know that we are disgusted with Guinness”

“My Guinness sales have declined by about 40%”

“I sold my stock in Diageo when I first heard the news”

Funny how not even one of those pretend people was willing to be quoted by name for their brave stand against Guinness. Truly the gays must be a menace if they've silenced all god-fearing bar owners.

As we never tire of explaining (ok, that's a lie -- we're totally tired of it), this is how capitalism works, motherfuckers. The gays and people that like the gays have more purchasing and boycotting power than Bill Donahue and his ilk, and that pendulum is likely never going to swing back, so good luck pretend boycotting every company as they distance themselves from people like you. Soon they'll just have Chick-fil-A left. They can have it. We'll happily take all the beer instead.

[Christianity Today/Catholic League]

Donate with CC

How do you do, fellow libs? We come together tonight to cheer and clap and cry and laugh, with our leader, Elizabeth Warren, and her fellow nice people Jay Inslee (the gold standard in climate action), Beto O'Rourke (excellent on being a good ally mostly), Cory Booker (best corny love hippie but also Wall Street, it's weird), Julian Castro (I don't know, people are super into him despite his creepy twinness and his too much pomade), Amy Klobuchar (bad bitch), Bill de Blasio ( ... ), John Delaney (???), and Tim Ryan and Tulsi Gabbard.

Keep reading... Show less
Donate with CC

We know, the thing we said in our headline is a thing you can say every day, but it's really intense today, maybe because Donald Trump is now filled with fear of the inescapable reality that millions of Americans who have not read the Mueller Report are going to see Robert Mueller testify on live TV on July 17, and Donald Trump will be exposed. Maybe the Big Mac vending machine next to his golden toilet is on the fritz and he hasn't had gotten to eat a Big Mac on the poop chair since last night. Maybe he's just a weak and sad person, a collection of shithole cells God meant to throw in the garbage, but accidentally implanted in Mary Trump's turkey incubator. We imagine that'd lead to a pretty constant state of anxiety and ennui.

Whatever it is, he's totally fucked right now. We were going to write a nice post about Trump's batshit interview on Fox Business with Maria Bartiromo, but we were busy, and by the time we got to it, he had performed so many batshit feats that we're just going to stick them all in this one post.

Let's start with the fight he's trying to wage with US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who in a now-viral video stated that she has no fuckin' interest in going to the White House to meet that idiot. He got into a quarrel with her on Twitter ... or at least with a Twitter account that didn't belong to her. It's now been replaced, in order that the adult president may shit-tweet at the soccer superstar who hurt his feelings, but Splinter grabbed the original:

The rant continued:

Right. And Megan Rapinoe just said win or lose, she has no interest in meeting your crusty ass, because no decent American would consider that an honor.

Besides, she has already been to the White House to meet a legitimately elected president:

By the by, the owner of the incorrect Megan Rapinoe account saw Trump's whining and told him to grow a dick and set it on fire:

Ya burnt!

But as we said, it was a whole day of batshit from Trump, so let's continue.

Keep reading... Show less
Donate with CC

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc