Celebrate Independence Day By Shooting Off Your Gun: A July 4th Gun Fun Times Roundup
Guten Tag, liberal Wonkstaffel! With the upcoming holiday when all good God-fearing Americans celebrate the founding of the Greatest Nation in the History of Ever™, we thought it a good opportunity to check up on the continued efforts to protect/eviscerate that most sacred of all American freedoms, the right to vote the right to own as many death-dealing penis substitutes as you need to feel safe and secure in your own home.
Specifically, we were wondering about our old friend Steamin’ Adam Kokesh and his plans for this glorious Fourth of July now that he has canceled his Million Armed Lunatics March on our nation’s capital. In its place Adam had called on his followers to march in small groups on all fifty state capitals in an event he is calling the Final American Revolution, and we wanted to reassure ourselves that our decision to be nowhere near Sacramento or even Phoenix this Thursday was a good one (really this is a good decision for any day of the year.)
So we checked Facebook, and bad news: the marches appear to be on. But also good news: not too many people seem to care. Adam himself seems to have been busy filming a low-budget horror movie near L.A. – with, we shit you not, Danny Trejo - while his vaunted Final American Revolution withers on the vine. Just another revolutionary seduced by the bright lights of Hollywood, we guess. Lured into complacency by our beautiful starlets and sandy beaches while the federal government steals everyone’s Guns n’ Freedoms, at which point Adam will shrug and snort another line of coke off the ass of some hooker he ordered up from room service at the Chateau Marmont. Obviously Commandante Obama’s liberal Hollywood minions have done their job well. Goodbye, Second Amendment.
Should the Second Amendment disappear into the same hole where our Founding Tyrants also tossed the Articles of Confederation, at least the gun manufacturers will go down fighting. In Connecticut and Colorado, companies have been making noise about moving their operations to more gun-friendly states as a response to stricter regulations signed into law after the shootings in Newtown and Aurora. Now one Connecticut company, PTR Industries, has made it official, announcing it will relocate to South Carolina by year’s end:
PTR Industries…picked South Carolina over Texas and four other states, lured by its pro-Second Amendment politics, lower costs and coastal location, economic development officials said on Thursday.
"One hundred percent of our product line is illegal in Connecticut," said John McNamara, PTR's vice president of sales. "They just want to collect our tax dollars on a product that they don't think is safe to own."
PTR employs 42 people in Connecticut, so we think the state will survive. As will Colorado, which may be losing Magpul Industries, a Boulder-based guns and gun accessories manufacturer, which has been publicly claiming it is looking at several options for a move. While everyone breathlessly waits to find out which pro-Second Amendment libertarian paradise Magpul will choose -- hmm, Somalia also has a coastal location -- the company decided to metaphorically spit in the faces of any Coloradoans who support the gun control measures that go into effect today:
With just two weeks to go before sales of high capacity magazines will be illegal in Colorado, Magpul Industries released a 40-round version of its popular PMAG magazine, offering a limited supply to Colorado customers hoping to beat the deadline.
Forty rounds! You can kill so many deer before reloading! Awesome! Or maybe you need all forty rounds to hit one deer? Colorado must have some lousy shots. Anyway, as of today the state limits magazines to 15 rounds, but any higher-capacity mags sold before July 1 get grandfathered in, hence the rush to stock up.
Perhaps thinking that such a display was not quite dickish enough, this weekend Magpul enlisted shrieking hellbeast Dana Loesch to give away 1500 of the company’s 30-round magazines at a rally called “A Farewell to Arms” (cute!) Loesch arrived at the rally in a helicopter, a symbolic air drop meant to conjure up an image of Colorado being "occupied" by gun control advocates. No, really. (Magpul has been stamping "Free Colorado" and "Boulder Airlift" on some of its merchandise since the new gun control laws first came up for debate.) Dana later announced on Twitter that she had named her two new 30-round Magpul magazines “Piers” and “Morgan.” Such an intellect, our Dana! A measly St. Louis community college never had a chance of containing it.
Speaking of Colorado, make sure you stop by the town of Westcliffe to watch its annual Independence Day Parade, which almost didn’t happen this year just because some Tea Party patriots announced they would march with unloaded rifles, “especially the evil black ones,” slung over their shoulders as a statement that they still love their freedoms, or something. Westcliffe is a small, rural town, and gun ownership is not exactly controversial. Still, some citizens asked the teabaggers to reconsider on the grounds that -- and we are reading between the lines here -- no matter how opposed you are to the state’s new gun control measures, there is no need to use a July 4th parade to be dicks about it.
(Also, we have said this before and will say it again: those of us who favor common-sense gun control laws do so not because guns look scary and evil, but because they kill people by shooting fucking bullets and we are sick of reading about children dying because so many of our fellow citizens are irresponsible morons with an unhealthy fetish.)
Anyway, Custer County cancelled the parade, but then the town of Westcliffe picked up the sponsorship and it’s back on. And yes, the Tea Partiers will be marching with their guns. Because -- and we realize we’re beating a dead horse with this line today but there is simply no other way to say it -- they are dicks.