Oh right! Today is avery important day in Rhode Island history, because it commemorates the occasion 237 years ago when a bunch of Rhode Island nuts totally stuck it to the man and shot a British captain, IN THE GROIN, with a musket ball. (Then they burned his ship down.) It was among the very first incidents of truly violent colonial insurrection against the British, and of course the attack on the British trade-monitoring schooner Gaspee was led by a band of piratical (and likely drunk) Rhode Islanders who were just sick of having some Teabag all up in their business, inspectin' their cargos for contraband.

Ah, such a wonderful story! The Gaspee was stationed in Narragansett Bay, harassing everybody who just wanted to bring their slaves to Newport in peace, and the governor of Rhode Island kept sending letters to the Admiral of the British Navy saying "Hey who is this harasser? He will not show us his papers, so we have no idea who he is! Perhaps he is a pirate! Papers, please!"

(This is funny to anyone who has ever encountered a Rhode Island bureaucrat, because to this very day they carry on the proud tradition of demanding papers, in triplicate, before you can participate in any process more formal than taking a leak.)

Anyhow, the British just ignored all this hollering from the dumb Rhode Islanders, until one day a leetle ship in Narragansett Bay refused to be boarded and inspected by the odious British captain Dudingston (that was his actual name, like a Disney villain!) and instead led the Gaspee around the Bay until it got stuck on a sand bar.

And that night, under cover of darkness, a bunch of prominent Rhode Island locals cleverly disguised themselves in Indian costumes, rowed out to the ship, shot Dudingston in the balls, got everybody off the ship, and burned that motherfucker down to the waterline. It was spectacular! In the aftermath, nobody said that they had heard or seen a thing and the British were never able to make an arrest.

So in commemoration of this wonderful anarchist event led by elites against an imperial power, you can go down to the Rhode Island statehouse today and hold one of those teabagging parties. Go Galt!

Remember the Gaspee [The Corner]

Gaspee Virtual Archives


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