Census Taker: America's Most Dangerous Job


Remember how a few months ago the only paying jobs available in all of Americaland were "Census taker" jobs? And you were like, "Hey, I know how to use pencils and take notes. I should do that!" Then you closed your eyes and envisioned a man resembling Ted Nugent shooting at you for bringing your government-issued clipboard onto his property, and you quickly resumed making Twitters. Well, smart move, Nostradamus! Because you probably avoided attack bypickaxe, crossbow, machete or machine gun on the mean streets/rural routes of America:

Last month, an Idaho man reportedly fired a shotgun near a Census worker. A Tampa man was arrested after he allegedly grabbed a large pickaxe out of his car and threatened a Census taker near his apartment, according to MyFox Tampa Bay. The 65-year-old man was charged with aggravated battery. According to The Union newspaper, a homeowner in Northern California over the weekend threatened two Census takers with a crossbow and a machine gun.

It would be anti-feminist not to mention this attorney lady from a Texas town who shot at her census worker for religious reasons (patriotism).

In other census-related Texas craziness news, this news report warns of a "wave of violence" sweeping across the state, in which everyone who is not an official census worker dresses up like one to enter other people's homes and kill them. The census is a temptress, seducing us into committing grave acts of wrongdoing.

The Census Bureau has responded to the recent outbreak of violence by telling its workers to do careful things like "immediately remove" themselves from sticky situations. And "remain calm" around wingnuts (and angry dogs), because trying to subdue them with playful kisses on the nose never works. If the Bureau had told its workers this stuff months ago, then these random attacks probably wouldn't have happened.


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