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Charlie Crist Will Run For President In 2012

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Here is a bold Internet prediction: the newly off-the-market bronze Floridianfrat-mammal Charlie Crist will make a run for the presidency next go-round. After all the work he put into his failed quest for the Republican VP nod this year -- everything from endorsing the reanimated corpse of John McCain to asking a lady for her hand in marriage -- nobody would have been shocked if he had just quit politics altogether once the odious Sarah Palin stole his spot. But his decision to forge ahead, putting his bachelor life behind him and doing something nice for the Everglades, means just one thing: he plans to position himself as the safe, non-religious-wingnut, environmentally reasonable Republican alternative for 2012.


THINK ABOUT IT, PEOPLES.

  1. He got married to Carole Rome this past weekend even though he totally could have dumped her in September after McCain picked Palin. It was a beautiful and loving wedding, of course: "Crist kissed Rome briefly at the end of the ceremony -- perhaps too briefly," wrote the Orlando Sentinel, hilariously.
  2. He made a crazy big deal with the nation's largest cane-sugar producer to buy up 187,000 acres in the Everglades. Environmentalists liked it, generally speaking! Of course, the deal will probably help out "Big Sugar," which means terrible earth-raping Republicans like it too.
  3. He is a not-awful guy who seems to take it in stride when every publication in America calls him gay, and Floridians like him well enough.

Who else is going to run in 2012, Sarah Palin? In four years she will still be a witless narcissist in a trashy red motorcycle jacket; Bobby Jindal will still be a creepy castration fetishist; Mitt Romney will still be a laughable fake robot who socialized healthcare in Taxachusetts; Tom Tancredo will be forcibly Mexicanized; Mike Huckabee will have his own chain of Cracker Barrel-type restaurants and a daytime talk show; and John McCain will be dead. Charlie Crist is really the only option.

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