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China To DC: 'Keep the Worn-Out Panda; We've Got Cute Baby Ones'

Someone's got it in for me, they're planting stories in the press - WonketteThe indignity continued for once-popular child star "Butterstick the Panda" today, when the Chinese government refused to take the animal back.


Washington was supposed to return Butterstick in July, but the Red Communists said "no thanks."

It's been nothing but bad news for the grown-up 'Stick since adorable European "ice bear" Knut charmed the world and was put on the cover of Vanity Fair with Hollywood heartthrob Leonardo Da Vinci.

U.S.-born Chinese cub can stay longer [Reuters]

Earlier: Crackhead Teen Butterstick Now Living On Streets

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I wasn't ready for Koko the gorilla to die. She was just 46, so still young well past the upper age limit for a gorilla, but I'll miss her. She loved cats, told mildly amusing jokes, and put up with people, so she was a lot like your weird aunt.

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Donald Trump held one of his televised cabinet meetings today in which he railed about the terrible Democrats who forced the current border crisis (at a time when illegal border crossings are actually lower than usual). In what's sure to be his favorite phrase on Twitter for the next few days, Trump blamed "extremist open-border Democrats" for all the problems he brought on himself with his family separation policy, and explained that Democrats were simultaneously hurting illegal immigrants AND the rest of America by forcing Normal America to accept Central Americans who fled to the US. It made loads of sense! And then things got ... less so.

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