coronavirus

Marco Rubio: Does It Matter What Racist Names We Use For The Coronavirus Right Now?

Let’s give desperate people scapegoats. What’s the worst that can happen?

Marco Rubio is useless in the best of circumstances, so the coronavirus crisis has cast an intense spotlight on the Florida senator's fecklessness. Friday, Rubio tweeted a video filmed in what looked like his grandmother's dining room. He was dressed casually in a baseball cap and a “Property of Dolphins" T-shirt that indicated he's a fan of the football team based in Miami. That's a good look during a crisis. All that was missing was a few days' beard growth.

He expressed his concerns about the working people who are losing their jobs because states are shutting down businesses in an effort to slow the coronavirus's spread. He was almost compelling.

RUBIO: People are literally getting laid off by the second. I know an entire family of six — the husband, the wife, their two adult kids and their spouses. Everybody got laid off in the last 72 hours. Can you imagine how traumatic that is? Maybe unfortunately you can because you got laid off or your kids got laid off. I'm talking about your local bakery. I'm talking about the dry cleaner you've used for 30 years. I'm talking about mechanics that fix your car. These people are closing their doors. No one knows if they're ever gonna reopen. Their workers don't know if they're ever gonna have another job. That should be our number one focus right now. How can we get cash quickly to those companies so they can at least pay their workers and be able to reopen when the time comes for that.
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News

Trump Fires 'Caronavirus' And Stock Market For Disloyalty, Refusing To Investigate Joe Biden

Great Man has America's best interests in mind, because he is America.

Donald Trump is getting worried about the coronavirus outbreak. He's not so much worried about the health of Americans, because no one who gets sick will be allowed within a quarter mile of him. But stock markets are dropping all around the world on fears of how the disease will affect global supply chains, and the Washington Post reports Trump is "furious" about that display of disloyalty, especially in an election year.

Trump explained on Twitter this morning that everything is just fine, and that the stock markets are being deliberately lied to by his enemies, who are lying about the "Caronavirus."

Don't believe the media! Instead, listen to the guy who has the best information! Trump is on top of the Corollavirus. It's far easier to contain than the Camryvirus, especially the version with the 3.5 liter V6 and heated seats. Now if Trump could just explain why European markets are also down. Must be a whole lot of French investors watching MSNBC.

We've taken a screenshot of Trump's misspelling, but frankly we expect that by the end of the day the virus will be officially renamed from its current designation as "SARS-CoV-2" (turns out "Covid-19" is the disease, not the virus, please update your files) to "Caronavirus Democrat Death Virus." At least on Fox News.

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2020 presidential election

Chuck Grassley Sics Secret Service On Hunter Biden, Assume Democracy Dead

Even the Ukrainians are like, DAMN, THAT SHIT IS CORRUPT!

Volodymyr Zelenskyy, a 42-year-old comedian who improbably wound up president of Ukraine, spent months resisting Donald Trump's pressure to gin up a fake case against Joe Biden. Republican senators Chuck Grassley and Ron Johnson didn't last five minutes.

Yesterday, as every Republican but Mitt Romney voted to acquit Trump, Grassley and Johnson sent a letter to the Secret Service demanding Hunter Biden's travel records. It's not enough that they let Trump walk on his corrupt campaign to smear a political opponent. Senator Ethanol and the rest of the GOP goon squad are going to frame Joe Biden for corruption if it's the last thing they do.

Three years after Joe Biden left office, the Senate Finance and Homeland Security and Government Affairs committees have suddenly sprung into action. Now that Biden is running against Trump, they're "reviewing potential conflicts of interest posed by the business activities of Hunter Biden and his associates during the Obama administration, particularly with respect to his business activities in Ukraine and China." That train is never late!

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China

Wilbur Ross: Always Look On The Bright Side Of The Coronavirus

Deadly virus is great news for the US economy!

The SARS-like coronavirus has spread rapidly in China. The death toll is now at 170 people, and almost 8,000 people are infected, including 7,711 on the Chinese mainland. It's very unfortunate -- unless you're an absolute ghoul like Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross, in which case this is all great news for the US economy.

The commerce secretary was on Fox Business this morning, boasting to host Maria Bartiromo that it was "physically impossible" for the US to experience a recession this year. The American economy has no corporeal form, so this seems a safe bet. The topic turned to the coronavirus, and Bartiromo mentioned how "you could see the Chinese economy come to a halt." Did that threaten Ross's cheerful outlook on the global economy? Not at all, the old Grinchy Claus hissed. The coronavirus will deliver economic gifts for America we don't want to miss!

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