BAD, CHRIS CHRISTIE, BAD!


BREAKING NEWS: "The Bridgegate" is still a #scandal. Did you know? Of course you didn't, because even at the time, you were like, "Ooh, a scandal involving ROAD CLOSURES, deal me OUT!" But it is a thing that happened, so! Brief recap: Some dickhole Chris Christie staffers and appointees decided it would be hilarious to punish a small town mayor for failing to support the Gov's bid for re-election, by orchestrating some fancy lane closures during rush hour between Fort Lee, New Jersey, and the George Washington Bridge. It was as sexxxy as it sounds, by which we mean if you were sexually attracted to bridge porn before, you are no longer.

[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/584468/bridgegate-still-a-thing-chris-christie-to-still-never-be-president"></a>[/wonkbar]Christie's people were like "LOL we made a traffic jam!" and "LMAO we are making kids late to school, because we are punishing this one mayor!" and "BEEP BEEP, AMIRITE LADIES?!" In 2015, David Wildstein, a Christie appointee to the Port Authority, said "OK fine, I am the guiltiest," and took a plea deal, and now he is working with the gub'mint to bring down the others involved in the case, Bill Baroni (another Port Authority appointee) and Bridget Anne Kelly (a former aide to Gov. Oreos).

[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/585280/chris-christie-eated-all-the-snacks"></a>[/wonkbar]Meanwhile, Chris Christie has been like, "Oh goodness, I am just over here eating all the snacks, I definitely did not have sex with that bridge scandal, don't look at me!" And a bipartisan legislative panel and also too a U.S. Attorney weren't able to find conclusive proof Christie was doing anything at the time besides, again, eating the snacks. (And being a rude fucking asshole.)

WELL, the trial of two of Christie's trusty pals, Baroni and Kelly, is going on right now, and it turns out that, during a 9/11 memorial that happened during the lane closures -- they lasted a week, from September 9 to September 13 in the Year Of Our Lord 2013 -- maybe Chris Christie found out about what was going on and thought it was LOL-lerskates funny. What a dirty bastard! All this new info came out in new testimony from Mr. Wildstein:

... David Wildstein ... recalled how Mr. Christie reacted with laughter, clearly appreciating the news [of all the traffic jams and shit]. And upon learning that the mayor’s calls were being met with silence, Mr. Wildstein said, the governor said in a sarcastic tone, “I imagine he wouldn’t get his calls returned.”

HAHAHAHA. You see, Wildstein, Baroni and Christie were all at this memorial together. They were having a nice time with each other, memorializing 9/11 and giggle-pooting about their little traffic scandal.

“Were you and Mr. Baroni bragging?” Lee Cortes, an assistant United States attorney, asked. “Very much so,” Mr. Wildstein said. “This was our one constituent. I was pleasing my one constituent. I was rather happy that he was happy.” Mr. Christie joked about Mr. Wildstein’s role, he testified, using the name Mr. Wildstein had used in the past as an anonymous political blogger, Wally Edge. “Mr. Baroni said to Governor Christie that I was monitoring the traffic, I was watching over everything,” Mr. Wildstein, a former Port Authority official hired by Mr. Baroni, recalled on Tuesday. "Governor Christie said in the sarcastic tone of the conversation, he said, ‘Well, I’m sure Mr. Edge would not be involved in anything that’s political.’”

Goddammit, with kneeslappers like these, who needs Vaudeville?

For the record, Chris Christie is denying all this, again, still, so SOMEBODY'S LYIN', WHO IS IT?

If you are still with us, you should now understand that maybe Chris Christie is a lying dirty bastard crook who thought closing lanes on the highway to punish Democrats who didn't support him was real funny, and that it's possible that Christie is enough of a multi-tasker to eat snacks and crime at the same time.

If you are not still with us, that means you have gone ZZZZZZZ and we'll go ahead and end this post now to let you enjoy your nap.

[New York Times]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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