Chris Christie to Oprah: I Was a Donut Burglar


NEW YORK—You guys, YOU GUYS, set your DVRs now because seriously YOU CAN'T SCRIPT THIS STUFF: Area fat man and New Jersey Governor Chris Christiefilmed an interview with Oprah yesterday, set to air Sunday at 9PM on Oprah's eopnymous Network, in which the pair discussed all manner of topical issues ranging from Barack Obama's politcal acumen to Cory Booker to Facebook to... true love. Which afforded Christie the chance to tell the heartwarming tale of the moment he knew he'd found his one true love. "She was fun in a different way than I'd ever experienced with anybody I'd ever dated. She was very spontaneous," the Governor told Oprah. When pressed for an example of her romantic spontaneity, Christie recounted the time in college when Mary Pat said "let's go break into the kitchen in the dining hall at college because we smell that they are baking doughnuts for the next morning, so let's sneak in and steal some of the doughnuts now." Swoon! Man, nothing says true love like a mutual fondness for breaking and entering—and pastries!

[ed.note: we now have just the loveliest mental image in our head of Gov. Christie waking up each morning, marching through the halls of Drumthwacket, and pounding a meaty fist down on his desk and shouting "Time to make the donuts!!" The first mental image of Gov. Christie that we're ok with!!]

So noted lover of big government and closet socialist Barack Obama is gettng sneaky with some of his trademark bureaucratic derring-do, looking to circumvent a forthcoming President Perry audit of the executive branch by folding up a number of trade and commerce agencies. "The Interior Department is in charge of salmon while they're in fresh water, but the Commerce Department handles them when they're in saltwater, and I hear it gets even more complicated once they're smoked," the President joked.

Oh, who would have thought soldiers peeing on dead people might sour our relations with the Afghanis? Nobody could have predicted!

Stephen Colbert, not yet satisfied with his current progress in making a complete joke out of US democracy, has "officially" "announced" his write-in "candidacy" for "President of the United States of South Carolina" (or something).

So you know what's a nice thing to see? Actual grown-ups doing actual grown-up diplomacy! Because while Republican presidential contenders are locked in a daily battle of brinksmanship over which one of them is best suited to drop a few hundred Daisy Cutters on Iran, a pair of Times stories today outline the administration's quiet efforts to address Iran—a threat they appear to be taking quite seriously! Only without any bombs or bluster or swagger or machismo. Just old school, high level, sensitive behind-the-scenes diplomacy.

Media watchers won't have Marty Peretz to kick around anymore (thank god), since Facebook co-founder Chris Hughes is reportedly in the bidding to take The New Republic off of Marty's filthy little hands. And we have very high hopes for this! Because TNR was once a storied publication—the baby of Walter Lippman!—that has mired for nearly four decades under the ownership of Marty Peretz, a renowned horrible terrible awful no good very bad man who turned TNR's once distinguished pages into a steaming cesspool of neoconservative thinkpieces (and Camille Paglia column inches—don't forget those!). "In no other country on Earth is my story even possible," President Obama has said. But Chris Hughes made him president! So surely he can also restore TNR to its former glory.

Speaking of media watching, the whole of the internet collectively freaked out yesterday when Times public editor Arthur Brisbane went completely off the reservation in this hilariously/disastrously/poorly worded request for comment on the subject of—loosely speaking—truth-telling in the paper... [READ MORE AT THE GIFZETTE]


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