Chris Cillizza Knows Why Trump-Putin Summit Was Bad, And It's Here's Why!
Wonkers, we must apologize, because we have neglected to cover a very important angle of Donald Trump's treason summit with HIS PRECIOUS VLADI-MEERKAT, the event historians will surely refer to as Trump's Stinky In Helsinki. Sure, we've written our own very smart analytical news pieces on it. We have even made dick jokes! And no, we're not saying we've neglected to point you in the directly of brutal opinion pieces written about it by people who are not Wonkette WARBLOGGERS, like James Fallows and George Will, but those are pretty good and deserve a minute of your time.
Our failure, which is also your failure, if that we have not taken the time to visit our good old pal Chris Cillizza, and see what he is being paid 10 times as much as we are to shit onto a keyboard about the Trump-Putin summit. (Hit this donation link if Chris Cillizza's salary offends you.)
Is he writing listicles? YES.
Is he making dumbass observations that 16-year-old LiveJournal bloggers could make for free, and getting paid too many dollars for it? YES.
Aren't you sex-cited to read the sage analysis of Christopher of Cillizza, Wonder God of the News? WAIT, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
Cillizza began his week's coverage with a piece devoted to the very unique and entirely brand new observation that Trump never says mean shit about Putin. He wrote like three paragraphs then outsourced the research to his intern, and together they turned it into a listicle!
Then Cillizza wrote a whole piece about how the tweet Trump sent Monday morning about how US-Russia relations are bad because of the RIGGED WITCH HUNT is literally the worst one of his entire presidency. Sure, Cillizza allowed, Trump tweets some bad stuff on a pretty regular basis, but this one was the worst one. Why? #CillizzaReasons!
But then the big press conference happened! And Cillizza very correctly called it the most "shameful, stunning moment of Trump's presidency." It was! That presser was the visual aid the Beltway media apparently needed to finally start understanding what Wonkette and many others have been writing about SINCE FUCKING 2016, that Trump is pretty obviously a Russian intelligence asset of some sort.
Here is how Cillizza reacted:
I mean, WHAT? W-H-A-T?
Verily I say unto you that Chris Cillizza means WHAT? He means W-H-A-T?
I mean, Putin denied he meddled in the election strongly. So we have to believe him, right? RIGHT???
The point is that Chris Cillizza was v. surprised. So surprised, apparently, that he let the other staff writers on his site write the rest of the follow-ups that day, until he finally published a thing that night about how Republican condemnations of Trump's actions were kinda weak, which is factcheck: TRUE.
Tuesday morning, though, Cillizza was ready with another CIL-LISTICLE! It was the 21 most wrong-bad things Trump said during that press conference, the one that shocked him like WHAT? W-H-A-T? It is definitely a list of 21 statements, along with Cillizza's surely very important commentary, like RIGHT???
Later that day, Cillizza was stricken with an intense need to do another follow-up, so he devoted many words to explaining why exactly it is bad that Trump and Putin met all by themselves in a Finnish bedchamber with nobody allowed to listen but the translators and the "wire tapps" placed by Finnish, Estonian, Latvian, British, and Russian intelligence. Cillizza came up with two main reasons why doing the meeting All By Myself was bad, and they were these:
1. It allows both sides to tell their own version of what happened without concern for what actually happened.
2. We now have to rely on two unreliable narrators.
THOSE ARE THE SAME REASON, YOU MOTHERFUCKING FUCKHEAD.
Now, lest you think Cillizza came up with those reasons all on his own, the bottom of the post clearly states that another CNN reporter helped:
Wonkers, you know how great our pieces are, right? You know how we have done side-by-side comparisons of what we publish in a day, vis-à-vis what Cillizza publishes in a day? (We don't just mean how many posts we write either, which is about the same as that dipshit, but we provide quality Cillizza couldn't match if he was trapped in a paper bag and literally the only thing he had to do to get out of the bag was write a decent piece.) Can you imagine what kind of output we'd be capable of if we had assistants like Cillizza does? (Here's that donation link again!)
For the rest of his Tuesday, Cillizza wrote things about how Dan Coats and Jon Huntsman should probably just quit the Trump administration, and finished up with this sage analysis of Trump's make-believe "walk-back" of his Putin-lover comments in Helsinki:
OOH, OOH! WHAT ARE THE WORDS, CHRIS CILLIZZA? What did you find in the transcript that clued you in, that you are now sharing with we who rely on your analysis to understand stuff?
Focus on the five words at the end there: "Could be other people also."
By George, we think he's got it!
"Could be other people also" does tend to suggest that Trump really doesn't give a fuck about our intelligence agencies' conclusions, and would rather just believe whatever Putin says.
He wrote another 1000 words about it.
He even quoted Maya Angelou.
He got paid more than you do for his efforts.
God is dead.
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