Christian End Times Family Band Gunfighting With Cops For The Lord
Several members of a Christian family band from Boise, Idaho, got into a brawl and gunfight with police in a Walmart parking lot in Cottonwood, Arizona, on Saturday night, leaving one member of the family dead and the rest in police custody. The group, which called itself "Matthew 24 Now" (GET IT???*) looked forward to the coming End Times, and apparently felt the need to hurry up the schedule a little when they attacked police and fired on them. Maybe they just loved the smell of cordite in the evening.
The nine members of the Gaver family had been living in their van in the parking lot for several days and using restrooms in the Walmart; police were called when one of the Gavers shoved a Walmart worker, according to an Arizona Department of Public Safety report. When Cottonwood police arrived, the Gavers apparently thought it was time to do some apocalypsing of their very own, and attacked the cops, as reported in the Christian Post:
Upon arrival, police were reportedly attacked by members of the family and Sgt. Jeremy Daniels, 31, suffered a gunshot wound to the leg. The 10-year veteran officer has since been treated and is expected to make a full recovery.
Seven other officers sustained cuts and bruises during the clash. A preliminary investigation suggests that a total of three gunshots were fired and there was an alleged struggle for one officer's gun, but the investigation is ongoing.
One of the suspects, identified as Enoch Gaver, was killed after allegedly shooting at police. A second suspect was seriously wounded during the incident and one onlooker recalled the horrifying scene.
"I was here last night. It was a lot of noise. It looked like a riot in the middle of the parking lot. I mean it was unbelievable," eyewitness Louie Solano reportedly told CBS5AZ. "Lots of screams. Just screeching noise, like unreal, unreal. I heard about eight to 10 shots."
It is not believed that any of the conventionally accepted signs of the Apocalypse were in evidence, as a third of the stars were not swept from the sky, nor did the seas boil. It would appear that the altercation is therefore without any significant theological consequences.
Here's a photo of a couple of the family, from their Facebook page. They seem nice!
And here's a photo of the family's van, which was very definitely taken in back of a Boise grocery store where Yr Dok Zoom regularly shops -- we're pretty sure we have heard these folks "performing" at the entrance to the parking lot. We're not sure if they took requests for Stryper, or to even shut the hell up.
Five adults in the Gaver family were charged with crimes including attempted homicide, aggravated assault on a Law Enforcement Officer, and obstruction; a sixth family member, a minor, was also referred to the juvenile justice system.
What do you want to bet they find Jesus in prison? And then beat the crap out Him, too.
Correction: An earlier version of the mugshot photo caption above reversed the names of Nathan and Jeremiah Gaver. Jeremiah is the one in the orange shirt. Wonkette regrets the error.
* And just for the sake of being pedantic, Matthew 24:7 is the verse that goes "For nation shall rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom: and there shall be famines, and pestilences, and earthquakes, in divers places." And at this time, a friend shall lose his friend's hammer and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before, about eight o'clock.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.