Chuck Norris Endorses Huckabee, Ninja-Dropkicks Hillary
In a power play that dramatically alters the Republican presidential playing field, actor/ninja Chuck Norris, most famous for his role as a karate mentor in the delightful Sidekicks, has endorsed Mike Huckabee for president. (*Much fanfare!*) The seismic announcement came in a WorldNetDaily exclusive commentary in which he lowers the boom early on: "I won't leave you in suspense.... I believe the only one who has all of the characteristics to lead America forward into the future is ex-Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee." After the jump: How Chuck Norris determined that Mike Huckabee isn't a tutu-wearing Mexican pussy.
After commending some of Huckabee's admirable personal qualities ("He is an outdoorsman too - an avid fisherman, hunter and a long-term member of the NRA"), Norris lists Huckabee's stances on the issues, or at least the ones any good ranger-samurai should live by. These include not killing babies, having less taxes, nuking the towelheads, and not lettin' dem homersexuals get all marriedlike. (Also mentioned but less fun: education reform, energy independence, revamping the healthcare system). Norris recognizes that top-tier political consultants are constantly Google Newsing his name for trenchant, game-changing commentary, and teases thus after listing Huckabee's positions: "I will address the whys of these and other positions in upcoming articles." Wall Street is sure to feel the ripples.
Norris also addresses the elephant in the room, and no, not the elephant he once dropkicked to death on the sub-Saharan grasslands for its involvement with communist elements. We mean the fact that Huckabee can't win shit, be it the Republican primary or against the slut Hillary. At least that's what we used to think, before Norris brought this undeniable empirical evidence to the table:
I was thinking about these types of comments the other day when I recalled another leader in ancient times that didn't match up in the line up: King David. Seven men were poised and paraded for the position of king, but David was left in the field shepherding because he wasn't "a frontrunner in the polls." They overlooked the best because they were too busy judging by outward appearance. But God appointed David king.
In other words, Chuck Norris will hijack God's cloud until that 20-foot-tall, sandal-wearing bitch appoints Mike Huckabee king.
Chuck Norris: My choice for president [WorldNetDaily]