CIA to Distract From Current Crimes With Reports of Old Crimes
The CIA has decided to declassify a number of its most terrible secrets. "The family jewels" is the name given to a folder -- a literal folder, because government malfeasance is occasionally hackily cinematic -- prepared in the '70s when then-CIA head James R. Schlesinger wished to know what else, exactly, Sy Hersh would end up revealing about his own agency.
Later Gerry Ford wished to know the same thing, and though Henry Kissinger advised him to just forget it, he insisted on seeing the terrible secrets for himself. Then he was so depressed about the huge mess he'd inherited that he pardoned Nixon and lost the election to Mr. Rogers.
Some of the various misdeeds that may or may not be included in the upcoming document dump include:
* The hilarious, slapstick assassination attempts against Fidel Castro -- spearheaded by our own Inspector Clouseau, Bobby Kennedy!
* Kidnapping of possibly fake Soviet defectors!
* Opening mail!
* Wiretapping journalists!
* Infiltrating anti-war groups!
If any of those activities sound suspiciously like things the CIA is currently in trouble for, guess what: You've figured out why they're releasing the details of 30-50-year-old crimes in 2007! Now, sadly, you must be destroyed.