Claim YOUR Government Stimulus Package ... Nope. Tabs, Wed., Jan. 8, 2020


Good morning, suckers, you get nothing but TABS.

"Pelosi and McConnell Are Playing High-Stakes Poker." POKER? Mitch don't even know her! The Lawfare people jaw around the topic "A guide for the perplexed to the House-Senate standoff over impeachment" but -- TRICKY! -- they do it at The Atlantic instead.

While we are on the topic, the Wall Street Journal says NO it is not poker, it is a HUDDLE like in foosball.

Elizabeth Wurtzel, author of Prozac Nation, has died of breast cancer at 52. Here is an enjoyable recap of The Bachelor that is really about Elizabeth Wurtzel.

Our Liz wrote about the Fed Soc guy for Above the Law. Guess what? THE LIBS MADE HIM DO IT! And we're making him do it RIGHT NOW.

"What Will Happen to The Trump Toadies? Look to Nixon's defenders, and the Vichy collaborators, for clues." Well then, Frank Rich, I will!

"And on the third day of 2020, a man upset with his order at a McDonald's drive-through in Lynchburg parked his car, walked up to the counter and began firing his gun at employees, hitting two high school-age girls who worked there. The shooter fled and hasn't been caught, and the girls survived, according to the Lynchburg police." -- Gun Reality vs. Gun Fantasy in Virginia

And in Milwaukee? Two kids throwing snowballs at cars were shot. With a snowball machine? No, with a gun.

Now you learned something important:

Shy stayed at a brothel two nights ago in delightful Historic Wallace, Idaho. Turns out the place used to be lousy with them!

Lindsey Graham opponent Jaime Harrison is rolling in dough and only two points down in the polls. Add yours to his sexxxy goldpile!

This is an interesting exercise by Vox making the best case for each of the Democratic frontrunners. First up: Bernie Sanders. Please don't be dicks in the comments.

Remember the '70s? When the political was VERY personal? Here is an incredibly gross thing about a French pedo who's still winning awards, because writing about all his under-16 lovers was ... I don't know. I agree, children are beings with sexual curiosity. NO, DON'T FUCK THE CHILDREN.

Sorry :/

QUICK, HEY US EMISSIONS ARE GOING DOWN. Germany's too! And coal is off the cliff! :D

Also we're at war.

"Before Iran's apparent retaliation, Trump argued to aides that the attack on Soleimani would be politically popular and that Iran would not 'do anything too stupid,' in the words of one senior administration official who had spoken to the president." So ... guess he's still listening to Unerring Jared.


Hey, let's all do fun things with pineapple. NOT LIKE THAT, PERV, WE ARE TRYING TO RESCUE THIS COLUMN.

Daily Beast has SO MANY CRIME STORIES, ALL OF THE TIME. (All of the time that it isn't writing about a feud between Harry & Meghan and William & Kate? They have a LOT of stories about that.) Here's one, about a serial killer, who DID NOT KILL THE WRITER, hooray! Let's all continue to not be murdered by serial killers in the new year.

Oh the Trump trade war is enriching lobbyists and slamming small businesses? FAKE NEWS PROPUBLICA. Or, you know, exactly what we all figured.

Oh hey Duncan Hunter is finally resigning! Guess he needed that last paycheck.

On No Longer Being A Hysterical Woman. Yes, thank you, Paris Review, let's try that. Oh she is going to store her uterus in a jar? SOUNDS GOOD. Jar-uteruses for everyone!

Sorry these have been bad tabs. We'll try again tomorrow.

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Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.


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