Donate

Colorado GOP Gov. Candidate Saves America From U.N.-Bicycle Conspiracy

News

Dan Maes is in a tough spot! He's running for the Republican gubernatorial nomination in Colorado against aknown plagiarist, and if he wins the primary he'll just have to take on Tom Tancredo and the awesomely named "Denver Mayor John Hickenlooper." How do you set yourself apart in that sort of field? Hmm, "Declare that bike-sharing programs are part of a United Nations takeover plot"? Sure, that'll do!


Dan Maes is pulling ahead in the polling for the primary, now that it has been revealed that his opponent plagiarizes all the time! He is the "Tea Party" favorite in this race, which means that obviously he is a lunatic. He gave a speech in which he said that Hickenlooper was "converting Denver into a United Nations community" and that "this is all very well-disguised, but it will be exposed." Later, a reporter asked him to clarify this paranoid nonsense:

Maes said in a later interview that he once thought the mayor's efforts to promote cycling and other environmental initiatives were harmless and well-meaning. Now he realizes "that's exactly the attitude they want you to have."

"This is bigger than it looks like on the surface, and it could threaten our personal freedoms," Maes said.

"These aren't just warm, fuzzy ideas from the mayor. These are very specific strategies that are dictated to us by this United Nations program that mayors have signed on to."

"This United Nations program" is, apparently, the International Council for Local Environmental Initiatives, a group that was started at some United Nations conference in 1990 and now helps "share best practices" about progressive urban governance -- encouraging bicycling use, improving transit, rounding up gun owners and evangelicals and putting them into camps, that sort of thing. Fortunately, once Maes is governor, every single bicycle lane in Denver will be eliminated to accommodate the coming wave of wider SUVs, and transit pass holders will be given dune buggies.

If you need further proof that bicycling is a straight shot to international communism, check out which well-known pair of Marxists have been biking together and holding hands constantly! [Denver Post]

$
Donate with CC

It was bound to happen. We're now watching Republican congressmen react to Donald Trump sitting in the Oval Office and saying "RUSSIA IF YOU'RE LISTENING" during an interview with George Stephanopoulos, literally inviting hostile foreign powers to attack the 2020 election for him like Russia did in 2016. And if you thought there wouldn't be at least one of them to say the quiet part loud and state for the record that crime is good if it helps Republicans win, then you haven't been paying attention to the Republican party in quite a while.

Enter GOP Rep. Chris Stewart of Utah, who sits on the House Intelligence Committee, AKA the committee whose members really should know better, even the Republicans, but unfortunately they don't because A) they're idiots and B) they've been sucking at Devin Nunes's dairy cows' teats (ALLEGEDLY) for too long:

Keep reading... Show less
$
Donate with CC

Spinal Tap - Gimme Some Money

Some dick is suing your Wonkette! If you are able, will you please send money?

1. Pick "just once" or "monthly."

2. Pick an amount, like say "all of the money."

3. Click "paypal" if you are paypal or "stripe" if you are not paypal.

4. MONEY.

5. Carry on with your day, and with new posts below!

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

$
Donate with CC
Donate

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Newsletter

©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc