Come And Get Your Donald Trump Word Salad With Dementia Dressing!
HO. LEE. SHIT. It happened again! A couple of New York Times reporters got Donald Trump to give another batshit insane interview on the record. Apparently, Michael Schmidt and Michael Shearer were just hanging around the dining room at Mar-a-Lago when Trump happened to be all alone and feelin' chatty. Without Sanders, Kelly, or even Ivanka to chaperone, Poppy was free to let his freak flag fly. And y'all, it was lit!
Now if we stop to factcheck this mess, we'll still be typing when the ball drops in Times Square. So let's just get right down to it with the Top 10 FUCKBONKERS INSANE things Trump said the New York Times yesterday.
1. Reelection is In the Bag Thanks to the FAKE NEWS MEDIA
We’re going to win another four years for a lot of reasons, most importantly because our country is starting to do well again and we’re being respected again. But another reason that I’m going to win another four years is because newspapers, television, all forms of media will tank if I’m not there because without me, their ratings are going down the tubes. Without me, The New York Times will indeed be not the failing New York Times, but the failed New York Times. So they basically have to let me win. And eventually, probably six months before the election, they’ll be loving me because they’re saying, “Please, please, don’t lose Donald Trump.” O.K.
Get ready to do your best April Ryan, Wonkers! It's guano all the way down.
That's right, the president knows he will be reelected thanks to the Failing New York Times. Without him they'd be nothing. Soon enough they'll grab their notebooks and hop on the Trump train, if they like their jobs. They basically have to let him win!
2. Trump Is Not Planning to Fire Mueller
SCHMIDT: What’s your expectation on Mueller? When do you —
TRUMP: I have no expectation. I can only tell you that there is absolutely no collusion. Everybody knows it. And you know who knows it better than anybody? The Democrats. They walk around blinking at each other.
SCHMIDT: But when do you think he’ll be done in regards to you —
TRUMP: I don’t know.
SCHMIDT: But does that bother you?
TRUMP: No, it doesn’t bother me because I hope that he’s going to be fair. I think that he’s going to be fair. And based on that [inaudible]. There’s been no collusion. But I think he’s going to be fair. And if he’s fair -- because everybody knows the answer already, Michael. I want you to treat me fairly. O.K.?
Cheese it, Dems! He's on to our secret blinking code!
Well, the good news is that Poppy seems to by buying Ty Cobb's line about this whole Russia thing going away if they cooperate. The bad news is, he's pretty sure he can fire Mueller any time he wants.
3. Trump Believes the Voters Elected Him King of the Justice Department
SCHMIDT: You control the Justice Department. Should they reopen that email investigation?
TRUMP: What I’ve done is, I have absolute right to do what I want to do with the Justice Department. But for purposes of hopefully thinking I’m going to be treated fairly, I’ve stayed uninvolved with this particular matter.
GAAAAAH!!! Okay, so that part's not funny. It's fucking scary! Let's talk about something else.
4. Donald Trump: Policy Wank
But Michael, I know the details of taxes better than anybody. Better than the greatest C.P.A. I know the details of health care better than most, better than most.
No they did not ask him for details. And no we are not especially worked up about it. How many interviews with Trump voters in dying coal towns do you need to read? They DO NOT CARE that he's an idiot. The best that we can hope for is to hang this toxic embarrassment around the neck of every member of the rancid party that brought him here.
Two things: No. 1, I have unbelievably great relationships with 97 percent of the Republican congressmen and senators. I love them and they love me. That’s No. 1. And No. 2, I know more about the big bills. … [Inaudible.] … Than any president that’s ever been in office. Whether it’s health care and taxes. Especially taxes.
Yes, during the election they all called him a racist pile of shit. But now they love him and want to have his little orange babies. Who can resist a man with this unprecedented mastery of tax policy? He should probably spend a lot of time on the campaign trail with these congressmen who love him so much -- it worked out so great in Virginia and Alabama!
5. Donald Trump: Greatest CPA and Greatest Freestyle Rapper
Now here’s the good news. We’ve created associations, millions of people are joining associations. Millions. That were formerly in Obamacare or didn’t have insurance. Or didn’t have health care. Millions of people. That’s gonna be a big bill, you watch. It could be as high as 50 percent of the people. You watch. So that’s a big thing. And the individual mandate. So now you have associations, and people don’t even talk about the associations. That could be half the people are going to be joining up. … With private [inaudible]. So now you have associations and the individual mandate.
I believe that because of the individual mandate and the associations, the Democrats will and certainly should come to me and see if they can do a really great health care plan for the remaining people.
What were we saying about embarrassing? We can no longer remember because our brains just exploded. We asked Dok what the hell this was, and all he could say was, "Ow, my head." If only we were healthcare policy wonks like the president! Sad.
6. Donald Trump Knows Who Is an Embarrassment, And It Is Robert Mueller!
Well, I think it’s bad for the country. The only thing that bothers me about timing, I think it’s a very bad thing for the country. Because it makes the country look bad, it makes the country look very bad, and it puts the country in a very bad position. So the sooner it’s worked out, the better it is for the country.
Donald Trump feels bad for you, America. The Russia investigation is bad. You look bad, and other countries think you're bad. Now stop asking all these bad questions about how Russia bad-touched our elections!
7. Donald Trump Mansplains the Electoral College
So for the purposes of what’s going on with this phony Russian deal, which, by the way, you’ve heard me say it, is only an excuse for losing an election that they should have won, because it’s very hard for a Republican to win the Electoral College. O.K.? You start off with New York, California and Illinois against you. That means you have to run the East Coast, which I did, and everything else. Which I did and then won Wisconsin and Michigan.
Yep, straight up the coast from Virginia to Maine, it's all Trump Country. See Trump Just gets the electoral college. Not like Crooked Hillary, who can't math good because she's a lady. And not like that doofus George W. Bush, who won the electoral college and lost the ... ah fuck it.
I won because I was a better candidate by a lot. I won because I campaigned properly and she didn’t. She campaigned for the popular vote. I campaigned for the Electoral College. And you know, it is a totally different thing, Mike. You know the Electoral College, it’s like a track star. If you’re going to run the 100-yard dash, you work out differently than if you’re going to run the 1,000 meters or the mile.
And it’s different. It’s in golf. If you have a tournament and you have match play or stroke play, you prepare differently, believe it or not. It’s different. Match play is very different than stroke play. And you prepare. So I went to Maine five times, I went to [inaudible], the genius of the Electoral College is that you go to places you might not go to.
Did he really go to Maine five times? We're not factchecking that shit. But we remember who won Maine, and it was not the Dotard! At least he didn't brag about his historic electoral college win again, although it is just a partial transcript.
8. Surprise! He Got Totally Rolled on China!
Yeah, China. … China’s been. … I like very much President Xi. He treated me better than anybody’s ever been treated in the history of China. You know that. The presentations. … One of the great two days of anybody’s life and memory having to do with China. He’s a friend of mine, he likes me, I like him, we have a great chemistry together. He’s [inaudible] of the United States. …[Inaudible.] China’s hurting us very badly on trade, but I have been soft on China because the only thing more important to me than trade is war. O.K.?
So he promised he'd start a trade war with the Chinese, but then they threw him a big party. The biggest party in history! And they said they'd help him with the North Koreans. Which they haven't done yet, but they will definitely do soon. Because he is the greatest dealmaker in history. BELIEVE ME!
9. Trump Thinks His Dump Tweets Are a Gift to the World
And, by the way, it’s not a tweet. It’s social media, and it gets out in the world, and the reason I do well is that I can be treated unfairly and very dishonestly by CNN, and, you know, I have — what do have now, John, 158 million, including Facebook, including Twitter, including Instagram, including every form, I have a 158 million people. Reporting just this morning, they said 158 million. So if they a do a story that’s false, I can do something — otherwise, Andy, otherwise you just sort of walk around saying what can I do? What, am I going to have a press conference every time somebody, every time Michael writes something wrong?
45M Twitter + 8M Instagram + 24M Facebook = Exactly 158M Followers! And who says our president can't math?
Sure the president's tweets have been cited by courts ruling against him in the travel ban, sanctuary city, and trans-ban military cases. But it's definitely helping, Poppy! Keep tweeting!
10. There Is NO RUSSIA! Also The Democrats Colluded With Russia!
I saw Dianne Feinstein the other day on television saying there is no collusion. She’s the head of the committee. The Republicans, in terms of the House committees, they come out, they’re so angry because there is no collusion. So, I actually think that it’s turning out — I actually think it’s turning to the Democrats because there was collusion on behalf of the Democrats. There was collusion with the Russians and the Democrats. A lot of collusion.
Yes, with his own eyes he saw Dianne Feinstein kissing Santa Claus! Actually, it was an orgy with the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. It's amazing what they show on Cinemax After Hours. The White House is a dump, but at Mar-a-Lago he gets all the channels.
There was tremendous collusion on behalf of the Russians and the Democrats. There was no collusion with respect to my campaign. I think I’ll be treated fairly.
He's not sure what collusion means, but he knows that the Democrats and Russians are always making the nekkid sexxxxytimes to steal elections.
And Now We Are Dead
Next week, Sarah Huckabee Sanders will swear on her momma's girdle that this interview was planned long before she "baked" her Thanksgiving "pie." Like they're not desperately trying to keep that raving loon away from the press! You can ask him anything you want, and you'll still get the same Crooked Hillary-Ain't I The Greatest-Obama Sucks word salad. And soon it will be the midterms, and the Republicans will have to eat it.
BLUE FUCKING WAVE.
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Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.