Come Get Your Jesus-Friendly Beatin' Sticks For Your Babies! Or Don't Do That.
Welcome sinners in a godless world. This week's Snake Oil Bulletin brings to you a tale of a poor American entrepreneur, shut down in his prime by the vicious hand of basic human decency. Won't you hear this tale of woe, dear reader, and weep for our nation's poor, oppressed child abusers? Let's dive right in.
Mean atheists ruin Christianists' funtime kid-beating toy
America's steady march toward secular fascism continues unabated! It's like you can't even beat your kids in peace anymore.
In another tale of discrimination against brave American patriots, a vicious atheist internet man has destroyed one Christian father's simple American dream: to sell child-beating sticks to concerned Christian parents who want nothing more than to viciously beat their children. This is why we can't have nice things and/or beatin' sticks.
Steve Haymond is an honorable Christian patriot who for years ran a business selling switchin' sticks on the internet. Haymond was a disciple of the Michael and Debi Pearl To Train Up A Child school of thought that children need regular beatings to keep their sinful devil natures in check. And they don't just mean children -- they mean toddlers and infants too. Haymond (who is also a Quiverfull like those delightful Duggars) ran the website Biblical Child Training until the mid-2000s. You'll note that he never once refers to "raising" children, but rather "training" them. Like you would a boxer. Or a dog.
After years in operation sending out delightful leaflets like this for his specially designed rods meant for "chastening," Haymond's business evaporated and his site mysteriously vanished due to, in his words, "external pressures [read: The Police] and family issues [read: Child Protective Services]." Steve was a longtime advocate of the Child Training method of Biblical family life, which called for a vicious, wrathful father figure to deal out swift and smiting punishments to beings too innocent to know they've even done something wrong. Where on earth have we heard that before?
While most everyone thought Haymond had slunk back to the backwater sewage pipe where he congealed, turns out he was still trying to break back into the kiddie-whippin' racket, and break back in he did! A guest to the Phil Ferguson podcast revealed just this week that not only was Steve back in the game, but that he was insisting his customers keep their big yaps shut about it.
Steve has not reopened his web presence, but rather has been circulating a mail order form among the Christianist homeschooling set for some time now. The form insists that Steve's business has opened up and that they would like to avoid any and all internet exposure, which is kind of like landing on earth and saying you don't want any nitrogen touching your body.
How convenient -- the child-beating instrument is small enough to discreetly fit in your purse, back pocket, or diaper bag, which makes for super easy concealment when the DCFS worker comes knocking on your door. Also note that, in addition to his $8.00 "virtually indestructible" rod for children, Steve is more than happy to offer a narrower version for toddlers -- TODDLERS -- who these parents believe deserve to be beaten for their transgressions.
Steve refers to his beatings as "chastisement" and insists on the practice's legality which is a big fat NOPE. In fact, the first sign that you shouldn't trust Steve's legal advice is that his order form says in bold type not to tell anybody on the internet about these perfectly legal devices. It's almost like there's something wrong about beating your TODDLER with a stick.
In an effort to make sure his child-beating sticks are never used in the manner they are exactly made to be used, Haymond includes a helpful instruction sheet with the order form, outlining the correct way to smack your kids around a bit.
Never strike your child in anger. Instead, strike them with cold, emotionless savagery. It'll fuck 'em up so much more.
After Phil Ferguson helped to expose this racket on his podcast, he decided to test out Haymond's little enterprise by requesting a phone call to verify that he was legit real about this. Ferguson posed as an interested parent who received the flier from a church member. Steve personally returned Ferguson's phone call and Ferguson seemed ready to test out Steve's child beating enterprise.
Unfortunately, before Ferguson could conduct any further investigation, Haymond realized he'd been exposed by the light of day, and decided he was packing up his whips and going home. In a voicemail left for Phil, Haymond revealed that because some ne'erdowells (TEEHEE, it was Phil!) leaked his secret child training enterprise on the world wide interwebs, he was forced to cancel all orders and shut down his business. Again. Haymond never picked up that Ferguson himself led to his exposure, and perhaps that makes it all the more hilarious.
No Steve oh no this is awful please don't go. How will shitty parents justify murdering their children if you're not around anymore? I guess they'll just have to do it the hippie dippie way and that gives Jesus a sad.