Comic Book Version of America Dies, Too

The Captain weeps; Rumsfeld only has eyes for Spidey's lil' cock. - Wonkette

Having decided that's it's just not funny anymore to have a heroic character called "Captain America," Marvel Comics has killed off the famed comic-book "super soldier." Created in the 1940s as a cartoon foe of Nazi Germany and Imperial Japan, the Captain has had some hard times. Nobody loves America and we aren't exactly winning wars these days. Read the whole sad story, after the jump.

The stars-and-stripes-clad superhero has been deeply depressed since April 2005, when his manager convinced him to take part in a bizarre Pentagon propaganda stunt with since-deposed defense secretary Donald Rumsfeld -- who was already widely considered a war criminal at that point.

The embarrassing press conference featured a glassy-eyed Captain clearly wearing a fake muscle suit to prop up his flabby frame and Rumsfeld staring intently at Spiderman's penis -- it was all so weird that Spiderman's very public turn to fascism was hardly noted.

Friends say Captain America had been drinking heavily since the Abu Ghraib torture photos were made public. The Captain turned to prescription painkillers once he learned of the Pentagon cover-up of Pat Tillman being shot dead by fellow U.S. soldiers, according to The Thing.

When the Iraq Study Group plan was totally ignored by the Bush Administration, which instead chose to send another 21,000 Americans to their deaths in Iraq, the Captain quietly resigned from the Army, flushed his medals down the toilet, and began leaving rambling comments on Daily Kos.

But his last comment was left on, after the wretched conditions at the Walter Reed Army hospital were revealed last week:

I can't take it any longer. This country ... it's ... it's all just SHIT. I thought we DEFEATED the Nazis.
He was immediately banned, and hours later he was dead. Cops say a "sniper" fired the gun, but everybody knows Captain America shot himself, in the bathroom, with his blood and brains sprayed all over his Declaration of Independence bath towel.

He was 90.

Capt. America Shot, Killed [News Times]

Captain America killed! [NY Daily News]


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