Condoleezza Dream Team: McCain and Rice '08!
Each week, veteran Condiwatcher Peter Huestis (also known as Princess Sparkle Pony) provides a summary of the searing wit and infinite wisdom of America's Favorite Princess Diplomat™!
Condi's been a gal-on-the-go, a veritable Mary Tyler Moore of the diplotaunte circuit. She traipsed from Switzerland to Germany and then all the way to Colombia and back again. More importantly, using advanced Wonkette Shoe Identification Technology, we can reveal the shocking news that Madame Secretary has shifted her footwear allegiance from Ferragamo to Manolo. All this, Oliver North, and Robert Novak's wistful dreams of a Condi vice presidency ... after the jump!
OK, I know you want the most important information first:
Couture-recognition software aside, it was really just a simple matter of deductive reasoning: I knew Condi liked to shop at Neiman's, and I knew she had a penchant for high-end shoes. So you put two and two together and, well, there they are, Classic beauty -- the go-with-everything timeless black pump, as Neiman's site exclaims. So aspiring Condi impersonators take note! For complete authenticity, isn't $525 a small price to pay? [Are there aspiring Condi impersonators? Condi Roundup wants to hear from you!] I say well done, Condi, because that whole Ferragamo cap-toed thing always seemed too '80s for a modern girl like you.
But anyway! Yes, yes, Madame Secretary went to Switzerland to the World Economic Cocktail Party She did her standup act with Micheline Calmy-Rey, who is totally Switzerland's, like, ceremonial girl president and has a very peculiar hairdo. In her speech, Micheline boasted of the agreement she forged with Condi in 2006, a document which may be the single most vague pact in geopolitical history, and whose title alone, Memorandum of Understanding Establishing a Framework for Intensified Cooperation, is so dense that few can fathom its maddening vortex of meaninglessness. But can we get back to Micheline's hairdo? Because it is really, really weird (AP Photo):
Next: lies! The Center for Public Integrity, which sounds suspiciously like a front group for Code Pink, made Blogodelphia all buzzy for about five minutes by releasing a study in which it was revealed that members of the Bush Administration made hundreds and hundreds and, oh, just oodles of lies to justify going to war in Iraq. This conclusion surprised, I guess, about 30-35 monks and hermits. So how did Condi do? It turns out she lied more than Dick Cheney and Scott McClellan, but less than Wolfowitz, Fleischer, Powell, Rumsfeld and Bush. You may now resume questioning all that you hold dear.
OK, so Condi got caught up in some little fibs. So what? She still had the presence of mind last week to deal a mighty smackdown on a Neocon! Pity poor Jeff Lefkowitz; All he wanted to do was make the world hate North Korea a little bit more, and what did the auburn hair-dye enthusiast get for his troubles? "Ms. Rice sharply disagreed," the NY Times reported, "and said Mr. Lefkowitz should stick to human rights and leave the talks over the North's nuclear policy to her, Mr. Bush and the other nations involved: Russia, China, Japan and South Korea." Everybody, in other words, but you, Mr. American Enterprise Institute.
She then proceeded to erase all traces of Mr. Lefty (hah!) from the State Department web site. A sad day, indeed, for World War Infinity fans.
Feeling embiggened by this body slam, Condi next racked up the frequent flier miles by traveling from the Swiss Economic Thing all the way to Colombia, a movement which, predictably, set off Hugo Chavez' proximity alert. Chavez issued a brief statement claiming she "came to attack Venezuela," but didn't really seem like he had his heart in it. He didn't even call her Missy. Despite Chavez' twittering from afar, Madame Secretary had a marvelous time in Colombia, joined by a passel of Democrats. Here you can see them inspecting one of Rio Negro's strategically crucial flower plantations (AP Photo):
And here you can see the special welcome prepared by the locals (AP Photo):
Probably the most astute description of Condi's trips to Switzerland and Colombia came from an unexpected source: Would you believe Oliver North? Characterizing her as "saleswoman-in-chief," North accurately observed that, "Traveling salesmen always have a hard job. That's especially true when the economy isn't exactly booming -- and the product you are selling will go off the market in a year." Read North's article and be surprised.
Ah, yes: off the market in a year. That really is the thing about Condoleezza Rice, isn't it? Are you shuddering, like I am, at the thought of the growing irrelevancy of Dr.
Ferragamo Manolo? Well fear not, because it's Robert Novak to the rescue, with two little words which will make your souls soar with joy: McCain/Condi! *YES!* Walnuts 'n' Rice '08! I totally know what they should use as their campaign slogan: MAGICALLY DELICIOUS!
Clever people come up to me all they time and say, "Hey, Peter, looks like you're out of a job next year, LOL," wisecracks to which I can now confidently respond that I'll have plenty to write about VICE PRESIDENT CONDI for years to come, thank you very much!
And finally, one last tidbit. The State Department has read its list and gone over it twice, and has released the full Condibot milage report from 2007:
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