Fusion GPS Founder Glenn Simpson Is Through With Republicans' Bullsh*t

Some last minute bullshit before Democrats retake the House!

Hey remember all those times Fusion GPS co-founder Glenn Simpson testified for Congress for one million hours as Republicans tried to catch him in a real big lie, which is obviously that Hillary Clinton conspired with the Russians to create the DODGY STEELE DOSSIER, which means it is full of lies and Donald Trump is innocent on all charges of himself conspiring with the Russians to steal the presidential election? Those were fun times! We liveblogged the transcripts, and sadly, despite how we are dealing with such mental geniuses as Jim Jordan and Louie Gohmert (and Chuck Grassley and Lindsey Graham over in the Senate!), they were never able to catch Simpson in a GOTCHA!

And why? Because Republicans are full of shit.

And Glenn Simpson is through with it. So this time, when the House GOP subpoenaed him, the response was "oh fuck off." His lawyer Joshua Levy grabbed the talking stick and openly and honestly communicated his client's feelings, which, again, are "fuck off."

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Mitch McConnell Knows Who Is To Blame For Deficit: Grandma Millie And Her Oxygen Machine

Maybe another great big tax cut would fix this.

Mitch McConnell staked out bold territory in an interview with Bloomberg News published Tuesday, explaining that with Republicans in control of the White House, House and Senate, there's almost certainly no possibility they'll ever take any action to control the debt and deficit, because obviously Republicans only worry about deficits when Democrats are running things. But at least he was clear on one thing: The main reason the USA has a deficit problem is that we simply can't afford Medicare and Social Security, and by golly, the Republicans' $1.5 trillion tax cut last year contributed NOTHING to the debt, because duh, tax cuts are good and "entitlements" are bad, don't you know anything about economics?

Echoing Paul Ryan over the summer (and last winter ... and the winter before that ... and 2012 ...) McConnell insisted that with Washington Politicians unwilling to stick to a budget (like, say, passing a $1.5 trillion tax cut), there just doesn't seem to be the will for bipartisan deficit cutting, because it would have to be bipartisan, don't you understand?

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2018 State and Local Elections

'Guilty Until Proven Innocent.' Wonkagenda For Wed., Oct. 17, 2018

Trump does more interviews, voter suppression is already happening, and Canada legalized weed. Your morning news brief.

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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Chuck Schumer Got ROLLED? The Chuck You Say!

Remember that judicial nominee deal from LAST WEEK? Yeah. LOL.

While Yr Wonkette would never want to be accused of admiring nasty old hate-tortoise Mitch McConnell and his gang of thugs, we do have to admit a grudging respect for his amoral efficiency at using his position as Senate majority leader to Achieve Republican Goals. He stymied much of Barack Obama's legislative agenda with singleminded efficiency, and has harnessed Donald Trump's "presidency" as an engine to ram as many rightwingers as possible into federal judgeships. Sure, Trump and other Rs may occasionally condemn McConnell as insufficiently committed to creating a white ethnostate, but Mitch don't care, he's building a rightwing judiciary that will fuck over the poors and minorities and women for decades.

So you can see why we sometimes wish Senate Democrats could be, if not exactly ruthless like McConnell, at least not quite as ruthful as Chuck Goddamned Schumer, who agreed to fast track 15 Trump nominees in exchange for a bit more campaigning time in the run-up to the midterms. (This was not a popular "deal" at Wonkette HQ!) And now, big surprise, along comes Senate Judiciary Committee chair Chuck Grassley, saying "DEAL? WHAT DEAL."

Grassley insists that even though the Senate is in recess for October because of -- we repeat -- the "deal" struck by Schumer and McConnell, there MUST be hearings on two additional Trump nominees. Dianne Feinstein and other Democrats on Judiciary complained yesterday, saying, hey, dude, RECESS. Grassley gotta cut a bitch?

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Post-Racial America

Are These The 5 Dumbest Reactions To Elizabeth Warren's DNA Test? Sure Why Not.

We live in the stupidest of all Americas.

By now you know the story, because it is a tale as old as time. Democratic senator lady scares dumbfuck white conservatives, so they dig into her past for something to OWN THE LIBS on about her, they find she claimed at one point in her professional career to have Native American heritage, they make up a lie that she used her Native American heritage to get ahead in life, then they decide she lied about her Native American heritage in the first place. Many of them start calling her Pocahontas, because that's just so very side-splitting-ly funny. The president of the United States likes to zing "Pocahontas" all the time during his Hitler rallies, and offers a million dollars to the charity of the senator's choice if she can prove her Native American heritage, and then when she does it, he forgets all about his earlier promise and they all lived happily ever after, even though they're all going to still call her Pocahontas until the day comically avoidable injuries claim their earthly lives.

(By the way, that charity of her choice is the National Indigenous Women's Resource Center. Hit them up with some dollars, since President FuckStupid ain't never gonna #PayUp. Probably doesn't even have a million dollars, what a big poor jerk.)

We live in the stupidest of all Americas. We wish Elizabeth Warren didn't have to deal with this shit in the first place, and if we are being very honest, we question why she even did this right now at this very second. If she wants to run for president, that's fine, but can we get through the fucking midterms first, considering how they're literally the most consequential election of our lifetimes? Meh, whatever.

As you might imagine, though, wingnuts have had some pretty dumb reactions to all of this, so we will count down the five dumbest ones we found while doing a perfunctory scan of the internet before we got real bored.

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Trade War

'I'm Not A Baby!' Wonkagenda For Mon., Oct. 15, 2018

Trump cries he isn't a baby, Elizabeth Warren has DNA evidence, and NYTimes seeks Kanye-Republicans. Your morning news brief.

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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Chuck Schumer Bad At Job


Chuck Schumer did that thing again, the thing where he agrees to fast-track a basket full of deplorable Federalist Society-selected federal judges to lifetime appointments, in exchange for allowing the Senate to recess so Democrats could go home and campaign in the last four weeks before the midterms. It's the same thing Schumer pulled in August, and for much the same reason: Republicans would be able to force through the nominations anyway, no matter how many parliamentary delaying tactics Democrats pulled, so better to cut the carnage and at least have time to campaign. And yet, it still feels like a chickenshit move, mostly because when Mitch McConnell grinned his death's head leer and dared Schumer to use every trick in the book, Schumer shrugged and settled for the shit sandwich McConnell offered. You just don't reward that bastard and say Welp, we tried. You coulda done more, but now we'll have 15 new rightwing judges -- all men; good gender politics there, Republicans.

Yes, yes, it's imperative Dems do all they can to retake the Senate, and to do that, at least four to six Dems in extremely tight races in red states have to hold their seats. And yes, we know, a Republican majority is a Republican majority, and anyone pretending Bart O'Kavefish could have been defeated needs to LEARN A MATH, PIGFUCK. But as Politico's Burgess Everett points out, Schumer wouldn't have to keep ALL the Democratic senators in Washington to make the Rs work for those 15 judges:

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AZ Republicans Get Their Roger Stone Ratf*ck On

This is your brain on James O'Keefe.

What kind of low-rent, retro, Roger Stone ratfucking is this? Did the Arizona GOP really send a couple of idiots over to the campaign office of a Democratic House candidate with $39.68 worth of change and a claim to represent the Northern Arizona University Communist party? Do these dipshits just watch James O'Keefe videos all day and think, "Yeah, that guy gets it?" Were they wearing matching Che T-shirts and clutching copies of Mao's Little Red Book on this caper? It's Friday, so we're going with YES TO ALL, ALLEGEDLY.

Last week, two Republican nitwits walked into the campaign office of Democratic Congressman Tom O'Halleran with a jar of coins to donate to his reelection campaign. They called themselves Jose Rosales and Ahmahd Sadia -- get it, a Messican and a Mooozlim! Subtle.

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John Kelly Has Problem With 'Arrogant Woman' Liz Warren, Or Maybe Just Women In General

What a nasty man!

An assload of John Kelly's private emails recently went public, thanks to a Freedom of Information Act lawsuit, and one email in particular reveals Kelly behaving like a sexist ass. Kelly, then serving as the secretary of Homeland Security, typed angry words to a top aide following a phone call with Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren. She'd apparently nagged him so relentlessly about Donald Trump's definitely-not-a-Muslim ban that his testicles were hanging on by a thread.

"Absolutely most insulting conversation I have ever had with anyone," Kelly [...] wrote to Kevin Carroll, who was then his senior counselor at the Department of Homeland Security, in an email from Feb. 8, 2017. "What an impolite arrogant woman. She immediately began insulting our people accusing them of not following the court order, insulting and abusive behavior towards those covered by the pause, blah blah blah."

Yeesh! Who wants to pay $5 for the first minute and $1 each additional minute for that? Except this wasn't a "social" call. It was serious government business. Warren gave some background Thursday on the events leading up to the call. She was trying to get answers from the DHS regarding their policy of, as the senator describes it, "illegally detaining Massachusetts residents (and their family members) at Boston Logan Airport." If you've spent any time at Logan, you appreciate how inhuman this was.

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SHUT UP, JARED! No One Brings A Bone Saw To An Innocent Business Meeting.

Speaking of feckless ...

Turns out, putting a 37-year-old real estate developer in charge of US foreign policy might have been a stretch. Go know! Maybe you really do need something else on your CV besides Vanky's Babydaddy and Friend of Netanyahu! In fairness, though, how was Jared Kushner supposed to know that his Saudi BFF Mohammad bin Salman would murder people who had met actual Americans? He was supposed to confine himself to murdering nameless brown Muslim people, and in his own back yard! What a headache, right?

The Trump administration is trying desperately to save the US relationship with Saudi Arabia, which hasn't yet delivered on its promise to buy $110 billion of big, beautiful American weapons. And they're still harassing the Qataris. Oh, and they only sorta delivered on that promise to play nice with Israel. But those things could totally still happen, so even though the Saudis brazenly assassinated dissident reporter Jamal Khashoggi at their nation's consulate in Istanbul last week, Trumpland would like very much to find an innocent explanation for his death. And it's ... a stretch!

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Nobody Likes Trump Rallies :( Wonkagenda For Thurs., Oct. 11, 2018

Trump says #MeToo women 'got away,' global markets nosedive, and the crown prince ordered 'detention' of Jamal Khashoggi. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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Don't Go Away Mad, Dave Brat. JUST GO AWAY.

And take your BS attack ads with you.

Far be it from us to call Virginia Congressman Dave Brat a liar. But his relationship with the truth is a bit ... complicated. For a good cause, he might tell a wee fib. And sometimes, he does get a little out in front of his skis.

AH, SCREW IT. This guy is more full of shit than a herd of constipated elephants! Look at this asshole right here.

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Rand Paul's Wife Suddenly Not Fan Of Loud, Obnoxious, And Yelly

She means you.

In the latest dispatch from the Civility Wars, Newsweek informs us that Rand Paul's wife Kelley (yes, she spells her own name wrong) is so worried about violent liberals that she sleeps with a loaded handgun at the ready, because haven't you seen the violent dangerous mobs of liberals shouting at Republicans in public places, which is a lot like murdering them in their beds in that both involve transitive verbs?

"We've updated all of our security systems at home. I sleep with a loaded gun by my bed. I'm home alone a lot, obviously when Rand is [in Washington], and so I've got deadbolts all around my house so that if someone's in my house when I go to bed I'm deadbolted in three different levels," Paul told Breitbart for an interview published Monday.

After all, several Democrats have encouraged people to use their freedom of speech, which is exactly like saying "please break into someone's home and do violence to them," Ms. Paul explained at Dead Breitbart's Home For Terrified Wingnuts:

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Looks Like GOP Blew Brett Kavanaugh's Wad A Few Weeks Early

What a problem that is entirely of their own creation!

First of all, right here at the outset, and 27 days before the midterm elections, we should say that polls are starting to go a bit haywire, and we're hearing all different things about all different things. (Beto's up! Beto's down! Beto has an adorable ass, according to the poll we just took of ourself! See? There's variance.) But we are definitely starting to learn what America has been thinking in the wake of Brett Kavanaugh's confirmation to the Supreme Court, and also during the maniac few days just before that happened, when Susan Collins was going back and forth on how long she wanted to wait to fail America yet again.

A new CNN poll was taken from October 4 (Thursday) to October 7 (Sunday) and, well ... how do we say ... OK let's just say the GOP jizzed all over itself about three weeks too early, and if there's going to be a Brett Kavanaugh "bump," it's probably just the new Supreme Court justice "boofing" again. (Which means putting drugs into your butt! Drugs like cocaine! And people do a "bump" of cocaine! GET IT? WE MEAN BRETT KAVANAUGH IS DOING A "BUMP" IN HIS HIND QUARTERS! ALLEGEDLY!)

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Cops Behaving Badly

'An Angry Mob.' Wonkagenda For Tues., Oct. 9, 2018

We're all a bunch of angry sodomites, Trump greenlights greenhouse gasses, and Google won't make killer robots. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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Nebraska Democrat Lady Just Might Ride Trump's Trade Wars Into US Senate

It's a long shot, but not an impossible shot at all.

When you think "Nebraska Senator," the name that tends to come to mind is the state's junior US senator, Ben Sasse, who made a passionate speech about how insulting Donald Trump was to Christine Blasey Ford last week, then went right ahead and confirmed Brett Kavanaugh. Sasse is reasonably good at getting headlines; back in 2014, he proposed moving the US capitol to Nebraska, because "in touch with the people." He's a practical kind of guy. But unless you live in or near Nebraska, we bet the name of the state's senior US senator (also a Republican, surprise!), Deb Fischer, didn't spring right to mind. She's "senior" only by two years, having first been elected to the Senate in 2012, and generally not all that visible in the national news. And now that Nebraska farmers -- and manufacturers, even! -- are getting burned big time by Donald Trump's trade wars, Deb Fischer might just be vulnerable to being upset by an upstart Democrat, Lincoln city council member Jane Raybould, who's been hammering Trump -- and Fischer -- on how bad the tariffs have been bad for Nebraska. In a state where only a third of voters are registered as Democrats, it's just possible this is the year Raybould could manage a big upset, because while Nebraska went big for Trump in 2016, two years later his policies are bringing the state pain.

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