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Trump To Pelosi: I KNOW YOU ARE BUT WHAT IF I STEP ON MY OWN DICK AND EAT IT AT THE SAME TIME?

Well played, Trump! Or, you know, the opposite of that.

Moments after we published our last piece, on how Nancy Pelosi is the true boss of President Whiny Ass Titty Baby, and how she utterly shivved him when she canceled his State of the Union address, Trump finally responded. We knew he would, because he is a thin-skinned manchild whose entire self is crushed by every perceived slight, but we never knew how pathetic his response would be.

Pelosi had been scheduled to leave this afternoon on a overseas CODEL (congressional delegation) to Afghanistan, a trip that was supposed to be a secret, because all trips like that are supposed to be a secret, especially when you're dealing with the person second in line to the presidency flying into war zones. Trump might know this, because he secretly went to Iraq over Christmas during the shutdown, after he was shamed into it, and he complained about how dark it was on Air Force One, because they had to keep it dark for security reasons.

But now Trump has CANCELED NANCY PELOSI'S TRIP, because TAKE THAT, NANCY. And to show just what a dick he is, Trump canceled the trip after the bus carrying the delegation, which also included Reps. Adam Schiff, Mark Takano, Stephen Lynch and others, had already left for the airport.

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Post-Racial America

Wingnuts Spend Day Thinking About Lindsey Graham Naked, Blame Muslim Congresslady

The wingers only have one play, and they run it over and over and over.

Your Wonkette DGAF what Lindsey Graham does with his nasty bits. We have to write about all the ladies That Orange Idiot bumped his uglies with for work, and the last thing in the world we want to think about is the sex lives of any more evil, old Republicans. Clearly Senator Graham's sexual orientation is HIGHEST BIDDER, and that's all we have to say on the topic.

But we do care if Lindsey Graham's abrupt about-face on Donald Trump came about due to outside influence. Because in 2016, Lindsey Graham knew Donald Trump was a pathetic conman.

But the 2019 version pretends that the president's demented driblings are inspirational sermons and his dogged destruction of the post-war alliances that kept us out of a world war for 75 years is part of a grand strategic vision worthy of Churchill. FFS, yesterday Lindsey Graham voted in favor of allowing Oleg Deripaska's aluminum company to come off the sanctions list. Something's not right here.

So when new Congresswoman Ilhan Omar says, "They got to him," we're thinking she's not that far off the mark.

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News

Trump Grappling With Painful Realization That Nancy Pelosi Is His Real Dad

Vladimir Putin, you've been replaced! Haha just kidding, no you haven't.

Donald Trump is super chill right now, you guys. That's what the White House is telling us. He's cool and calm and collected over how he's losing his WALL fight, and hard, and he's totally easy breezy about Nancy Pelosi canceling his State of the Union lie-fest, just light as a feather, it's like Folgers in his cup and he can't believe it's not butter and

"Countrty."

Anything else?

There it is. Is Schumer groveling? Not that we can tell. But Trump isn't all that scared of Schumer, so let's all project our pant-shitting rage fear on to him!

Trump is scared of Nancy Pelosi, though. Oh damn, he is terrified, and he's got all kinds of excuses for why he's not attacking her, all of which are intended to deflect from how he hasn't quite processed yet that Nancy Pelosi is the boss of him (JUST LIKE WE SAID SHE WOULD BE).

A woman? THE BOSS OF HIM? The fuck you say!

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2018 State and Local Elections

Prissy Jerk Kevin McCarthy Thinks Badass Pelosi Is Behaving In A Frightfully 'Unbecoming' Manner

Nancy keeps hammering away with her gavel of death.

Yesterday House Speaker Nancy Pelosi told Donald Trump not to bother showing his raggedy ass at the Capitol later this month for his lie-addled State of the Union address. This is a bummer for those of us looking forward to watching Pelosi roll her eyes and shoot death stares at Trump from her reclaimed seat of honor. Pelosi articulated very reasonable national security concerns for dis-inviting Trump. It's a tremendous undertaking to ensure the safety of everyone present, and most of the folks who do the heavy lifting are furloughed or otherwise victims of Trump's shutdown. Does Trump remember that he shut down the government?

GOP Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy thinks Pelosi's move is "pure politics." He's apparently never watched "Designated Survivor." Pelosi said they could come up with another date for Trump to demonize Democrats and minorities once the government is reopened. Trump could also just lie to to the public from the Oval Office or even submit his address to Congress in writing (this is also how they should handle this year's Academy Awards). However, McCarthy insists that Pelosi inconveniencing Trump in any way during a domestic crisis of his own making is "unbecoming" of the speaker. Yes, he used the word "unbecoming" like he's Lord McCarthy in a regional production of Oscar Wilde's "Lady Windermere's Fan."

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Russia

Wait, Is Putin Getting Paid During The Trump Shutdown? THE F*CK?

This post is actually about Senator Richard Burr.

We had been wondering how GOP Senator Richard Burr was going to be in this era of divided government. He's the head of the Senate Intelligence Committee, and during the first two years of the Trump presidency, he seemed to take pride in the fact that the Senate was the All Growned Up body of Congress, and that his intelligence committee wasn't running around mouthfucking cows on the White House lawn like Devin Nunes's House Intelligence Committee. Burr seemed to care about doing a real investigation into Russian interference in the 2016 election, and despite his status as a Republican, he seemed to be willing to accept it if that investigation led him directly up Donald Trump's butt.

Well, today we have our answer about how Burr's going to be, and it's that he's definitely ended up inside Trump's ass, but he's apparently there to take a nice nap, and not to look for Russians. First he voted to un-sanction Russian oligarch Oleg Deripaska's companies, because after all, Russia has been very good and who is Richard Burr to say America shouldn't exist purely as a Kremlin satellite in this age of President Russian Asset?

Then a reporter asked Burr if he's interested in getting his hands on the interpreter's notes from Trump's secret tête-à-têtes with Vladimir Putin, the notes Trump has literally confiscated and hidden from his aides, now that we are more sure than ever that President Russian Asset is a literal actual total fucking Russian intelligence asset.

NAH! And Burr's reasoning is adorably stupid:

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Russia

GOP Senators Grow Spine Over Russian Sanctions, Just Kidding NOPE

We had such high hopes there, for about five minutes.

On Tuesday the Senate voted 57-42 to start debate on a resolution opposing the Treasury Department's plan to lift sanctions on companies linked to Russian oligarch/former Paul Manafort sugar daddy Oleg Deripaska, who most likely played a very important role in Russia's ratfucking of the 2016 presidential election. Deripaska is the oligarch that Trump's campaign manager offered secret Trump campaign briefings, in order to somehow "get whole" with him, because he owed Deripaska a shitload of money. (For background, read the very fine Wonkette piece, "Trump Unsanctioning Manafort's Russian Sugar Daddy Is EVEN FUCKEDER Than You Thought!")

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer told Rachel Maddow on Tuesday night that he had high hopes that with 11 Republican defecting to the side of goodness and patriotism in the vote to open debate, that maybe they could peel just a couple more Republicans to advance the resolution to a final vote and thus stop Donald Trump and Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin in their tracks and thwart their plan to un-sanction that asshole's companies.

Sadly, Chuck Schumer was ...

media3.giphy.com

Read and weep, for this is how compromised the GOP is right now by the probable Russian agent in the White House:

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Everywhere Else News

Hey, Anybody Using This NATO? Mind If Trump Tidies It Up?

Weird, Trump's decluttering spree is just like Putin's!

Donald Trump has a lot of stupid, deeply held beliefs, like the idea that he's a good negotiator, his certainty that the Central Park Five were guilty (even after they were exonerated by DNA), and his suspicion that everyone is secretly laughing at him (they are, but the mockery's right out in the open). Among his highly stable beliefs is that every other country in the world is taking advantage of the USA, especially when it comes to our military alliances (our enemies he loves for their toughness). So it's really no surprise that Trump has always distrusted NATO, but the New York Times reported Monday night just how deeply -- and possibly catastrophically -- that belief goes. According to "senior administration officials," Trump repeatedly told his national security aides in 2018 he wanted to just plain pull the US out of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization altogether, because he is A Idiot.

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News

What Time Is The State Of The Union? Never, Because Nancy Pelosi Just Canceled Trump

Dear Mr. President, get the fuck outta my house. Love, Nancy.

Nancy Pelosi kicked some fresh Trump ass this morning when she wrote a letter to Donald Trump letting him know he's no longer invited to deliver his State of the Union address to Congress on January 29. This is a great loss for all Americans who giggle when Trump mispronounces words that are simple for even the most remedial second graders.

For those of us who are bored with that bullshit at this point, guess what we don't have to do on January 29?

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News

William Barr Confirmation Hearing Wrap-Up: At Least He's Better Than The Dumbf*ck We Have Right Now!

That's not saying a lot.

Today, the Senate Judiciary Committee is meeting to hear from witnesses on the character of William Barr, Trump's nominee to be his next former attorney general. Hopefully, he will be the last one too, serving until the end of Trump's presidency, which at this rate should be over by next week.

Tuesday's confirmation hearings were interesting. The man knows the right answers, and if you were just listening casually, you probably heard a guy who says he's not going to screw with the Robert Mueller investigation, and maybe he won't. They are friends, after all, and Barr says he has mad respect for his bro. Barr said that if Trump ordered him to change the special counsel regulations or fire Robert Mueller without cause, he would resign rather than carry out the order. He also said he can't possibly imagine what his good friend Bobby could possibly do that would warrant that.

Barr told the committee that he is very old and that he didn't want this job in the first place, and that he was looking forward to spending some time with his wife like a couple of retired old people, which we imagine involves seducing her at the Cracker Barrel country-biscuit-style during the Early Bird special. (It is obviously that.)

But at the same time, Barr was full of weasel words about the Mueller investigation and also about everything else.

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News

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Does Twitter Real Good Again, So That's A Surprise!

Teach your children class warfare.

Now that he's no longer weighed down by the burdens of running a state into the ground, former Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker (isn't that a fun phrase?) is trying his hand at Twitter punditry. And if he keeps at it, he has the potential to be the next Mike Huckabee! Here's former Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker (just rolls off the tongue!) lying about how taxes work to a hypothetical class of little children. (As best we can tell, he didn't actually visit any schools this week, so real children are safe.)

Of course, that's not how marginal tax rates work, and never was, even before Ronald Reagan. Back in the 1950s, when the top marginal rate was 91 percent, it didn't apply to all income, but rather only to income over $200,000 a year -- the equivalent of about $2 million today, and not that many people actually paid it.

Now, despite Walker's invocation of Reagan, it's clear he's actually lying about Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's proposal to set the top marginal rate at 70 percent. We happen to have AOC right here. And former Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker knows nothing of her work.

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Post-Racial America

GOP Doing Something About Nazi Rep. Steve King? That Can't Be Right!

We hear the local KKK is hiring.

Republican Congressman Steve King will now have a lot more free time at work. GOP leadership kicked King off of all his committees after growing backlash from the racist drivel he told the New York Times last week.

There's been blood in the water for days. Democrats Bobby L. Rush and Tim Ryan each filed resolutions to censure King, and even Republicans are abandoning him. Mitch McConnell says King should "find another line of work." Jeb Bush and Mitt Romney both said he should resign. They have a point. King's constituents do deserve a representative who can actually do something for them beyond increase local tourism from Klan rallies. However, the majority did knowingly elect a racist nine times, so it's hard to resist saying to hell with them.

King is not taking this with the class you've come to expect from your finer Nazi sympathizers. He called out House Minority Leader (that's the GOP now!!) Kevin McCarthy on Twitter yesterday.

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News

Liveblogging Confirmation Hearings For Bill Barr, Trump's Next Future Ex-Attorney General!

This is going to be terrible.

READY FOR A SHITSHOW? WE GUESS SO!

It's time for the confirmation hearings for William Barr, the latest idiot who will almost certainly be confirmed as the next man to be Donald Trump's former attorney general. (Nixon had like five of them, Trump got some catching up to do!)

We already wrote you most of the details you need to know in this post yesterday. The hearings will start with Barr's opening statement, and then Lindsey Graham (the new chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee, hooray) will give Barr a tongue bath for 55 hours, and maybe he'll cry like he did during Brett Kavanaugh's hearings. If Graham tries to give Democrats a warning not to do a FALSE ACCUSATION WITCH HUNT to Barr like they did to Kavanaugh, that is your cue to DRINK!

The hearings will be over once Kamala Harris finishes Barr off.

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Russia

'I Served Them Massive Amounts Of Fast Food.' Wonkagenda For Tues., Jan. 15, 2019

Trump gorges himself on cheeseburgers and pizza as his shutdown enters Day 25. Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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Russia

Ted Cruz Filibusters On Chuck Todd's Face

A Sunday show rundown so nice we had to post it twice!

Welcome back, Wonks! This special bonus Sunday Rundown is dedicated to Texas Senator and rejected Batman villain Ra's Al Douche, Rafael 'Ted' Cruz. Let's get started!

Although the Lazarus Pit does explain how he killed JFK & was the Zodiac Killer...

Appearing on NBC's "Meet The Press," Cruz lied and filibustered his way through the interview, and Chuck Todd, you will be so surprised to know, let him!

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SCOTUS

Shutdown, Breakdown, Takedown: They're Busted!

It's your Sunday show rundown!

Here we are in the longest shutdown hellscape in our nation's history, created by our tantrum-throwing White House resident. And the Sunday shows ... well, they said words!

We begin with South Carolina Senator Lindsey "Mint Julep" Graham.

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Post-Racial America

Trump Spends Saturday Night With Judge Jeanine Screeching 'NO COLLUSION!' At Your Nana

This is hell, isn't it?

Happy Sunday, Wonkers! Is it snowing where you are? Are you stuck in the house? Let's beat the boredom with a little game called So You Think You Can President. For five thousand Wonkette NO DOLLARS: Are you a clandestine Russian asset who sold out your country to benefit Vladimir Putin?

...

... tick tock, tick tock

...

Okay, pencils down!

Was your answer more than two letters long? Congratulations, you go directly to jail! And take Donald Trump with you.

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