Jared Kushner Has TEENY TINY LITTLE 'But Her Emails' Problem
Nothing to see here because it's WHAT'SAPP.
Guess who is a LIARFUCKINGLIAR today? Just kidding, that was a trick question. The answer is EVERYONE IN THE WHITE HOUSE, all day, every day. But Congressional Badass Elijah Cummings just dropped a letter on White House Counsel Pat Cipollone. Covington Catholic's proudest alum pinky swears that all the little Trumplanders comply with national security classification requirements, but he may have left out one or two wee tiny security lapses. Like, say, using an AOL email account to discuss the sensitive (and probably illegal) transfer of nuclear technology to our good buddies in Saudi Arabia. NBD, right? Russian and Chinese hackers cower in fear when they hear that scary YOU'VE GOT MAIL, it's just science!
Cummings is clearly pissed off and ready to start dropping subpoenas. Laying out "Two Years of White House Obstruction," Cummings reminded Cipollone that Jared and Ivanka spent the first eight months of the Trump administration using their own BUT HER EMAILS homebrew server, and when they got caught, they rerouted their traffic to a Trump.org server for safekeeping. Which is not how any of that works, but it's totally cool, see, because they "confessed" to it and now everything's fine. And apparently it was, because GOP Oversight Chair Trey Gowdy -- who spent years pretending that Hillary Clinton's email server was the gravest national security threat since Julius and Ethel Rosenberg -- let the Trump email inquiry drop and refused to issue any subpoenas.
But Elijah Cummings is no Trey Gowdy. For one thing, he has a normal-shaped head, so when White House lawyer Emmett Flood wrote the Committee in December saying, "the relevant advisor ... has provided the Committee with information aimed to address your current legislative interests. I hope this resolves the matter," Cummings just shook his damn normal-shaped head and got back to doing his job. Which is CONGRESSIONAL FUCKING OVERSIGHT! And here's what he found.
Oh Look, Devin Nunes Defended Teabaggers Calling John Lewis The 'N'-Word
Probably the cow's fault. What isn't!
Well DARNIT! None of Devin Nunes's plans are going the way he thought they would! (Just like that time Nunes RELEASED THE MEMO, after a week of Russian bots and rural pigfuckers tweeting RELEASE THE MEMO, after which everybody was like "LOL, Devin, that's your memo? That little thing? Put it away please.")
Nunes started the week suing his cow and his mom (not their real names), because there was a fake internet cow and a fake internet mom making fun of him too much and making him cry. Finally, Nunes had found somebody he wanted to unmask! (#UnmaskTheCow is the new hashtag, right-wingers, MAKE IT TREND.) Also he sued Twitter, for made-up reasons. Anyway, everybody laughed at his little lawsuit and said, "Put it away please," and now the online cow has one gazillion Twitter followers, and forevermore anybody who tries to Google Devin Nunes will learn about the cow, just like that naughty thing Dan Savage did to Rick Santorum so many years ago.
And now! AND NOW. Now, some kind of hooligan whippersnappers (probably friends of the cow) found a video of young Devin Nunes on C-SPAN in 2010, just stone cold defending protesters calling John Lewis, Civil Rights Hero, the N-word. This was during the Age Of The Teabaggers, who were very upset about Obamacare, and just in general upset about how Barack Obama was a Kenyan Gay Muslim Usurper from Homosexi-stan, and also a literal dictator.
So C-SPAN host Steve Scully asked Nunes what he thinks about these protesters calling John Lewis the N-word. Nunes had thoughts!
Devin Nunes Sues Devin Nunes's Cow For Alienation (And Sedition) Of Affection
Oh you dumb idiot bastard.
This morning, after giving Fox News a 12-hour head start with a yet-to-be-filed copy, Devin Nunes and a Virginia lawyer who may not have the best interests of a free press at heart sued some folks. They sued Twitter, and some punk GOP operative woman who probably sucks, and her (they allege) conspirators, Devin Nunes' Mom and Devin Nunes' Cow.
Wonkette would like to take this opportunity to sue Devin Nunes' Cow for stealing our shtick, the one we invented and which is very extraordinarily clever, and I came up with it and then set Evan loose on it one day when I noticed haw haw that Devin Nunes studied animal HUSBANDRY and even though I know that is just fancy for "farming," I said, "HEY, DO YOU THINK DEVIN NUNES IS FUCKING HIS COW?" Sure, it's no Jerry Falwell losing his virginity to his mother in an outhouse -- because it's ONE MILLION TIMES FUNNIER, STUPID DUMB LARRY FLYNT! The Supreme Court -- at least in the old liberal Rehnquist days, lol -- it would doubtless agree!
Oh, wait, we just remembered you can't copyright an idea, which makes us a better lawyer than Devin Nunes's Virginia dude. Allegedly. We opine.
Nunes's grievances are many -- as they should be with a demand that the courts award him $250 million -- and they are dumb.
How Dumb Are They?
Devin Nunes and his Free Speech Hero lawyer, Steven Biss -- who once sued a paper for printing "fake news" about a school board member that was actually very real news -- have several complaints. (After a very long introduction in which it is explained for no reason at all that Devin Nunes once introduced a bill for The Troops.) The first complaint, about which we do not care, is that Nunes claims he is being "shadowbanned" by Twitter. Fox News's Judge Andrew Napolitano made quick work of that one; a private company, despite being the new "town square," does not have to give untrammeled access to its platform, and may in fact, thanks to the Communications Decency Act, censor people. This was to Devin Nunes's benefit yesterday when Twitter suspended user Devin Nunes' Mom for being gross and mean and VERY hilarious and sounding just exactly like a common Wonkette.
Oh, F*ck You Joe Manchin (Part 9,237)
He supports equality, sure, but not for everybody.
Senator Joe Manchin (D? -- West Virginia) announced yesterday he just can't bring himself to support national anti-discrimination protections for LGBTQ people because by gosh, it's got too much equality in it. That makes Manchin the sole Democrat in the Senate refusing to cosponsor the Equality Act, which would add protections for gender identity and sexual orientation to the Civil Rights Act and the Fair Housing Act. All other 46 Dems in the Senate signed on when the bill was introduced last week, but Joe Manchin says he just can't because what if trans kids in high school pee in a restroom bigots think they shouldn't pee in?
Elizabeth Warren Running For President OF NERDS!
The rent is too damn high!
Hey, while every media outlet is doing exactly the same stupid horse-race political coverage they said nobody should be doing, the actual candidates for the Democratic presidential nomination are busily putting forward policy proposals -- the things pundits and voters keep saying they want to know about, at least in between discussions of "likeability" and whether Chuck Todd thinks candidates are bipartisan enough. So hey, here is a cool housing policy idea from Elizabeth Warren, who's trying to out-nerd everyone else with a proposal to make housing more affordable and even redress some of the nation's terrible legacy of housing discrimination. What a weirdo!
Warren outlines her housing proposals here, and we like 'em. There are even linkies to studies supporting her proposals, yay for info geeks! She notes that, for grownup adults, where you live (more precisely, where you can afford to live) has enormous consequences.
Housing is not just the biggest expense for most American families — or the biggest purchase most Americans will make in their lifetimes. It also affects the jobs you can get, the schools your children can go to, and the kinds of communities you can live in. That's why it's so important that government gets housing policy right.
Problem is, the federal government has spent decades getting housing policy very very wrong, from building racial discrimination into housing policy for much of the 20th century, to letting the big banks screw over homeowners and taxpayers as well. And of course, not doing much of anything to address the crunch in affordable housing for low and middle-income people. How's this for some real class warfare, via the supposedly invisible hand of the market:
Lindsey Graham Doesn't Want Mueller Report To Be Public. He Worried He's In It?
WHAT THEY GOT ON HIM?
Shocking news, friends! Congress agreed on something. Well, at least the House did. And they agreed on something important too, not some resolution agreeing that Big Lots is running a really good sale right now on microwaves or something. They voted yesterday 420-zip on a nonbinding resolution saying that the report put together by Robert Mueller should be made public. Now, set aside your curiosity about exactly what Republicans are up to, because we are sure they are up to something and have some sort of ulterior and misguided reason why they all -- even Devin Nunes -- have agreed that the Mueller report should be public. We are sure that will reveal itself in the coming days.
Four Republicans voted present, including two wingnuts -- Paul Gosar and Matt Gaetz -- and two other Republicans, Thomas Massie and Justin Amash, who the New York Times says "routinely" oppose resolutions like this, because you know how liberatarians are, always full of REASONS. (Amash did a Twitter thread explaining REASONS. We'll get to it in a minute.)
So, of course Lindsey Graham blocked a similar nonbinding resolution in the Senate, because of course he did, because seriously Lindsey Graham, what the fuck do Trump, his buddies at the National Enquirer, and/or the Russians have on you? Is it super-gross, like knock us off our chair gross? Or are you just scared you're in Mueller's report in some significant way, and you're trying to hide that? WHAT, LINDSEY, WHAT?
It's not that Lindsey Graham doesn't want the findings public -- he totally does! -- it's just that he's "trying to find balance here," and by "balance" he means we need a second special counsel to investigate BUT HER EMAILS AND ALSO PETER STRZOK AND LISA PAGE AND CARTER PAGE (NO RELATION) AND DID THEY HAVE A SECRET SOCIETY AND AN INSURANCE POLICY TO STOP TRUMP FROM GETTING ELECTED AND ALSO LORETTA LYNCH AND BILL CLINTON ON THE TARMAC AND AIYEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Senate Embarrasses Trump On Border Wall 'Emergency'
Trump shouts VETO! because he's an asshole that way.
The Senate voted today to join the House in blocking Donald Trump's stupid "State of Emergency" declaration. Under the National Emergency Act, Congress is allowed to undo an emergency declaration, and since there's no goddamn emergency on the US-Mexico border, even some Republicans are against this thing. But Donald Trump is dead set on taking money already allocated for other purposes -- mostly military construction projects -- to pay for his dumb WALL, so he's already shouting he'll VETO the bill.
But who knows? The final vote was 59-41, with 12 Republicans voting with all 47 Democrats. That's just seven short of the number needed for an override, and would Trump want to risk that? Of course he would, don't be silly. He's confident he can keep Republicans bullied.
Latest Michael Cohen Pardon Defense Courtesy Of American Honky Tonk Bar Association
Garth Brooks. Friends in low places. Sure, we know the song. You bet.
Who among us hasn't tried to serenade a client with Garth Brooks lyrics and accidentally obstructed justice? Let he who hasn't dangled a pardon to stop our guy from testifying against the president cast the first stone!
We are still trying to figure out WTF was going on with Michael Cohen and the heretofore reputable lawyer who appears to have offered his services as a "back channel of communication" to the president. After Cohen exited the joint defense agreement that Trump's team spread like a blanket over anyone who might possibly do the president harm, Rudy Giuliani seems to have shoved Robert Costello toward Cohen in a desperate bid to keep him onside. Ultimately Cohen hired Southern District of New York (SDNY) veteran Guy Petrillo, who said NFW was he going to let his client pull a Manafort -- half in, half out -- on the Special Counsel. But before that happened, Cohen appears to have been actively seeking a pardon from his former boss in a tacit exchange for his silence.
Yes, we know that Cohen told Congress that he "never asked for, nor would I accept" a pardon from Trump. Newsflash, the guy is a liarfuckingliar, but he does tend to bring receipts. Speaking of which, someone gave CNN copies of two emails from Costello to Cohen, reassuring the president's former attack dog that everything would be fine as long as he kept Rudy Giuliani in the loop.
UH OH, Jerry Nadler, Did Meatball LIE TO CONGRESS?
Matthew Whitaker went back to visit with the House Judiciary Committee. It was illuminating!
Well, well, well! Now we are even more curious why suddenly and quietly a couple weekends ago Matthew Whitaker put all the big peener toilets in his office in a great big box and carried them out of the front door of the Justice Department for the last time.
Whitaker, whose real name is Meatball (at least around here, because of how he looks like a meatball and also has the same IQ as a meatball), testified behind closed doors for Jerry Nadler's House Judiciary Committee on Wednesday, and when it was over, Nadler walked out and said Meatball had given testimony that appears to be quite different from what he said during his open congressional testimony a few weeks ago. But unlike that thing where Republicans do a closed door committee hearing and then leak insinuations and absolute bullshit, Nadler shared specific information that is very WHOA IF TRUE.
Meatball, you been lyin' to Congress? Is that why you had to take your peener potties and go home?
GOP Reps Will Get That DEEP STATE, Or LIE TRYING!
No, Lisa Page said NOTHING LIKE THAT.
This time it's gonna work! This time the GOP will shout GOTCHA while dumping House testimony from another FBI witness, and we'll all realize that the Deep State was in the tank for Hillary this whole time. Then the Grand Marshall of the Supreme Court will do LOCK HER UPS to Secretary Clinton, and it will prove there was NO COLLUSION because Donald Trump is pure as the driven snow.
Just kidding! On Tuesday, Ranking Member Doug Collins released the second half of Lisa Page's testimony in July before the House Judiciary Committee. And just like last week when he yelled HEE HAW HAM AND BISCUITS and released Bruce Ohr's transcript, he has once again succeeded in proving ... that the FBI worked very hard to protect the country from foreign threats. You're doin' great, sweetie!
Meet Neomi Rao, Your New Brett Kavanaugh. No, Not That Way.
Not an accused rapist. Just very understanding of them.
While all the usual terribleness rolls on, so does the greatest single project of Donald Trump and the Republicans: filling the federal courts with so many rightwing judges that even if the country elects Democrats for the next 30 years, there'll be at least an even chance that progressive legislation may be declared null and void in the name of "individual freedom." Forget that they're no good at passing laws; the Republicans are confirming virtually every last incompetent stooge the Federalist Society can dredge up.
Consider Neomi Rao, Trump's nominee to fill the seat on the US Court of Appeals for the DC Circuit left vacant when Brett Kavanaugh boofed his way onto the Supreme Court. Rao has never been a judge, so let's put her on the most important stopping points before the Supremes. And hey, she even has a history of problematic writings in college, not unlike another Trump appointee, Ryan Bounds, whose nomination failed when Tim Scott and Marco Rubio withdrew their support. Not this time: All the Republicans in the Senate voted to move Rao's nomination forward yesterday, and she's expected to win final confirmation today.
Mitt Romney Bad At Birthday Cake
This is almost as good as that time Mitt Romney had hot dog.
Mitt Romney is normal human man.
Mitt Romney love 12th day of month of March, because like all people who are normal human man, Mitt Romney has birthday, and all his birthdays are on the 12th day of the month of March.
Mitt Romney is 72-many years old today!
Mitt Romney staff bring him normal human birthday cake, but not made of human, don't worry! Made of Twinkie.
Meanwhile In Wingnutistan, It's Almost LOCK HER UP O'Clock!
Well, they are tenacious, we'll give 'em that!
Okay, everybody grab some Goldfish, choose a bus buddy, and lace up your boots. We're going on a little field trip to Wingnutistan. It's time to visit the people who see the Justice Department getting caught lying under oath, followed by Meatball Whitaker's immediate exit and think, "YEAH, BOOOOOY! HILLARY'S ABOUT TO GO DOWN!"
But first, the back story. In 2017, when Republicans still controlled the House Judiciary Committee, Chairman Bob Goodlatte wrote to then-Attorney General Jeff Sessions asking him to appoint a special prosecutor to investigate the Uranium One conspiracy, AGAIN. There has never been any indication that Hillary Clinton knew about the deal at all, much less that she greenlighted it as a favor to donors to the Clinton Foundation. The deal was approved by the State, Treasury, Justice, Energy, Defense, Commerce and Homeland Security departments, as well as the Office of the US Trade Representative. Nevertheless, Trump's posse in Congress was sure that the key to beating back the Mueller investigation was to distract the country with a competing investigation into Hillary Clinton.
At the same time, the Senate Judiciary Committee was showing its great support for law enforcement by shitting all over the FBI and accusing James Comey of having been a secret Hillary lover. Senators Chuck Grassley and Lindsey Graham -- both of whom KNOW BETTER -- also demanded a special prosecutor be appointed to reinvestigate charges that the FBI did illegal FISA's to Carter Page's stupid red bucket hat.
A GOP Congressman Just Stole Devin Nunes's Favorite Love Cow
Doug Collins thought he was gonna OWN THE LIBS when he released the transcript of the House's interview with Bruce Ohr. That is not what happened.
You guys, a Republican hick congressman from Georgia who looks like he smells like a corn nut tried to do a big GOTCHA, but instead failed spectacularly and stepped on his dick, which is exactly what we expect from Republican hick congressmen in the year of our lord 2019.
The violent and unforced own-dick-stepping was committed by Rep. Doug Collins, and the vehicle he chose for his failure was unilaterally releasing the transcript of Bruce Ohr testimony before the House Judiciary and Oversight committees last year, back when former GOP Rep. Trey Gowdy was still the sheriff on duty at Oversight.
Who the fuck is Bruce Ohr? We 'splained that right here, so take a refresher course if you need to. In short, he is a DOJ official whose name such brain wizards as Jim Jordan and Louie Gohmert write over and over inside their Trapper Keepers, to remind them he is DEVIL and he is SMOKING GUN that proves HILLARY started COLLUSION WITCH HOAX against poor innocent Donald Trump, when she slipped British spy Christopher Steele a one-million dollar bill and ordered him to create a FAKE DOSSIER. Ohr and Steele -- a longtime FBI source -- have had contacts over the years, including during the early days of the Trump-Russia investigation and also after the FBI officially terminated Steele as a source, and you can see the evidence for that in Devin Nunes's COW SEXXX MEMO!
Now Doug Collins is moving in on Nunes's sex cow, releasing GOTCHA House transcripts that very much do not prove his point, exactly like when Devin Nunes released his "memo" about "intel" that very much did not prove his point either! But at least it gives us all a good chortle about what is wrong with Republican congressmen's brains, which are apparently in the sad dicks upon which they are stepping!
Racism-Enabling GOP Psychos Denouncing Anti-Semitism!
It's The Sunday Show Rundown!!
Let's begin our Sunday show rundown this week with Republican "strategist" and Mr. "
Kamala Harris/Cory Booker/Obama black primary" himself, Alex Castellanos. On ABC's "This Week" with George Stephanopoulos Martha Raddatz, the panel began with a discussion about Ilhan Omar's unfortunately worded comments about Israel, and Nancy Pelosi's decision to focus a House resolution on denouncing hate and bigotry in all its forms. The vote itself received bipartisan support in condemnation of hate ... except for 24 Republicans.
While many sensible people would see this as a larger victory in condemning hate, Alex Castellanos is NOT one of these people:
Trump Inauguration: When The Money Keeps Rolling In, You Don't Ask HOW
Think of all the people guaranteed a good time now after they dropped a mountain of cash on the Grifter in Chief.
How many live investigations are there of the Trump inauguration fuckery funtimes? Couple few!
- Manhattan US Attorney's Office, aka SDNY: They got the ball rolling after seizing Michael Cohen's tapes and finding a recording of the head party planner worrying about the Trump Hotels gouging on the room rentals;
- Brooklyn US Attorney's Office, aka EDNY: These guys are wondering if illegal foreign donors used strawmen to funnel cash to the inauguration. More on that in a hot second;
- Special Counsel's Office: Having already indicted and gotten a plea from Manafort's associate Sam Patten for acting as a straw purchaser to buy inauguration tickets for Ukrainian billionaire Pavel Fuchs, Mr. Mueller would like to know why there were so many other shady Ukrainians at the inauguration festivities;
- House Judiciary Committee: Chairman Nadler has questions for the Inaugural Committee, Tom Barrack, Rick Gates, and Michael Cohen about the inauguration;
- New Jersey Attorney General: Gurbir Grewal is making Trump's people an offer they can't refuse to hand over financial documents; and
- DC Attorney General: Karl Racine would like an accounting of money paid by the inaugural committee to Trump hotels and the Trump Organization.
No pressure Brian Frosh and Mark Herring!
For any of these investigators looking into foreign entities using straw purchasers to illegally donate money to the Trump inaugural gravy train, The Guardian is here to help:
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