Bill Barr Will Help Democrats Get Trump's Tax Returns, Cross His Fingers And Hope To Die!
Oops, he meant to say 'heart'! Allegedly!
Who needs judges when you have the Trump Department of Justice on speed dial? That's basically what the DOJ said to a federal court in DC Friday in Committee on Ways and Means v. Department of Treasury, where House Democrats and the Trump regime are duking it out over Trump's tax returns.
Because of course Donald Trump and Bill Barr's DOJ will totally charge Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin with contempt of Congress, if Congress asks! Trump and Barr are just so into following the law and holding other executive branch officials accountable for their wrongdoing! And so far, they have been INCREDIBLY HELPFUL in trying to help Ways and Means get Trump's tax returns!
LOLOLOL JK JK JK JK JK JK!
Air Force Finds Exciting New Way To Make Trump Hotels Great Again
The Kingpin always gets a taste.
What a wild month this weekend was, huh? On Friday night, Politico's Natasha Bertrand broke the news that the US Air Force has suddenly discovered the tiny, money-losing Prestwick Airport outside Trump's giant, money-losing golf course in Glasgow, Scotland, and decided to start using taxpayer money at both of them. Sure it would be cheaper to buy fuel at one of our own bases in Germany or Spain, as usual, or heck, even at the 100th Air Refueling Wing 350 miles southeast in England at the American base in Mildenhall. But for some reason, the Air Force decided to drastically ramp up visits to Prestwick since Donald Trump took office, rising from 95 stops with 40 overnight stays in 2015 to 259 stops with 220 overnights in the first eight months of 2019 alone. That's a heckuva coincidence!
Devin Nunes Drops Suit Against Own Constituents To Spend More Time Suing The RICOs
Frivolous suer strikes, unstrikes, strikes some more!
Congressman Cowpoke strikes again, and this time he's coming for your RICO! If only we were joking, but NO! Devin Nunes has dropped his lawsuit against his own constituents for calling him Not A Farmer, and is declaring victory and moving on to suing the rest of the world! We read Devin Nunes's entire dungheap of a pleading in Nunes v. Fusion GPS, and that goddamn idiot really is suing Fusion GPS, Glenn Simpson, and the Campaign for Accountability for murdering him with RICOs to stop him discovering their evil plot against Donald Trump. And he's doing it in Virginia, where none of the defendants reside or do business because, you know, reasons.
As in most of his frivolous lawsuits, Nunes is represented by the most excellent libelslander lawyer Steven Biss, who resides in Charlottesville and on the fine servers at Earthlink. (Yes, really.) He's been suspended from the practice of law a couple times, but don't worry, guys, he's good now.
Biss starts off the complaint in his signature style, with a bunch of rando autobiographical details about the plaintiff, who was born in Tulare, California, is of Portuguese descent, and sat on the board of the College of the Sequoias from 1996 to 2002, where "he was an advocate for distance learning and the expansion of programs available to high school students." So far, so irrelevant.
But then ...
Today Would Be A Good Day For Moscow Mitch To Go F*ck Himself With A Russian Matryoshka Doll
To be fair, all days are good days for that.
Moscow Mitch McConnell went on the Hugh Hewitt show to cry and bitch and moan in Cyrillic alphabet sounds about how he doesn't like being called Moscow Mitch.
It went about as well as you'd expect.
HH: Senator, let me begin by talking to you about nicknames. I played the Cocaine song, because Cocaine Mitch is a popular hashtag among people like me. Grim Reaper is as well. But Moscow Mitch is McCarthyism. That's absolutely despicable. What do you think of the last one?
MM: Yeah, I mean, it's modern day McCarthyism.
Yeah, I mean, except for how Moscow Mitch and Hugh Hewitt need to get a room so they can go fuck themselves right now. Because the thing with McCarthyism was that it was a false charge, with literally zero evidence against most of the people targeted.
Whereas with Moscow Mitch ...
[Wonkette takes deep breath for copy/pasting thing we have BEEN OVER FIVE THOUSAND FUCKING TIMES NOW]
Congress To Hold Hearings On How Gross Trump's Yeti Pubes Really Are
Just no visual aids of the Mario Kart dick, please. The whole world is trying to eat lunch right now.
Were you one of those people who was like "GAAAAAH ROBERT MUELLER IS SOOOOO BOOOOORING, WHY DOESN'T HE DANCE MORE?" during the Mueller testimony? If so, first of all, Maggie Haberman, thanks for reading Wonkette, the donate button is below. Secondly, the Washington Post reports that the House Judiciary Committee's fall season of "To Impeach Or Not To Impeach" will feature more musical numbers and a little bit more PIZZAZZ-A-MATAZZ, because on top of everything else they're doing to get the grand jury information from the Mueller Report and get the courts to order former White House counsel Don McGahn (and by extension everybody else who ever worked in the White House) to comply with subpoenas, they're going to start shining a light on the campaign finance crimes committed by Donald Trump in paying off women he had affairs with, in order to help his own election.
That means Stormy Daniels. And Karen McDougal.
LET'S WIN THE F*CKING SENATE
It's doable. We just have to count to five.
Labor Day weekend has passed, which means the summer is over, and also means it is officially campaign season. So let's start thinking about winning a thing! The Senate, in particular.
Recently, we got the very surprising news that Johnny Isakson of Georgia is quitting the Senate, which means, according to esteemed publications like NBC News and Politico, the Senate is suddenly a lot wider open than it was before. But fuck those "esteemed publications," let's look at a pollster who really knows her shit and see what she's been saying the whole time.
Rachel Bitecofer should have become well-known last year when she was the person who most exactly nailed how big the Democratic blue wave was going to be, as in, almost down to the House seat. As it turns out, she's getting recognized right now, so maybe you've seen her on MSNBC in the past few weeks.
Right now, there are 53 Republicans in the Senate, and 47 who are either Democrats or who are "Bernie Sanders" and "Angus King," independents who caucus with the Dems. First of all, let's get out of the way that Doug Jones is probably not going to win re-election in Alabama. Yes, we suppose he could, but let us not use any of that hopeful pipe dreaming shit in our math. That means we need five pickups to get to 51. (And we need to lose zero others that we already have. Should go without saying it, but saying it.)
Darrell Issa 'Bout To Move On Duncan Hunter Like A Bitch
Oh, he can get there!
Zombie GOP Rep. Duncan Hunter will be running for congress for the rest of his life. Because when you're not running for elected office, you can't raise any campaign money for your legal defense. And when you're fighting a 60-count Indictment in federal court, you need infinity dollars to pay your lawyers, particularly after your own wife agrees to testify against you after finding out about all the staffers and lobbyists you were boning. The trial is scheduled for January of 2020, so Duncan Hunter is keeping up the charade that he is actually going to serve out another term until long after that prison cell slams shut on his grifty ass.
But former GOP California Rep. Darrell Issa is ready to set fire to Rep. Dead Man Walking's sham campaign like a car alarm factory that just had its insurance quadrupled three weeks ago. Issa noped out of another run in CA-49 after then-candidate Mike Levin started showing up at all his town halls and kicking him in the jimmies with words. And that's why we call him Rep. Levin (D-California) today. But Issa is thirsty, so thirsty to get his ass back to DC, and he knows he's not doing it in the 49th.
Nice FEC You Got There. Shame If Anything ... Oh Sh*t, Something Happened To It.
Look Ma! No burdensome regulations!
The federal agency that's supposed to oversee US elections will soon be without any actual power to enforce election laws, because one of the four remaining members of the Federal Election Commission will be resigning August 31. The commission is supposed to have three Democrats and three Republicans, but it's been limping along for years with just four members, two from each party. The resignation announcement by Republican commissioner Matthew Petersen yesterday leaves the FEC without a quorum, so it will be unable to pass new rules, vote to punish electoral wrongdoers, or accomplish much of anything beyond routine functions like collecting and publishing campaign donation information (which remains a very big deal). The FEC has for years been criticized for partisan deadlocks due to its structure. Now it will be literally powerless, which is probably how Mitch McConnell likes it.
Rudy Giuliani Is Just Asking Questions
About the Seth Rich murder! About the Joe Biden Ukrainium One 'scandal' he made up in his brain! All of it!
Rudy Giuliani, that great seeker of knowledge, is just asking questions. Far be it from Donald Trump's personal unpaid lawyer to suggest that Hillary Clinton had DNC staffer Seth Rich murdered for leaking emails to Julian Assange. But he's just so curious!
When reached for comment by the Daily Beast's Will Sommer, Chatty Cathy referred to "nagging coincidences," saying, "I vaguely remember it and was asking a question about whether it was ever investigated fully. [...] Don't remember if it was ever solved? Was it." A normal person might ask Mr. Google, but Rudy's a busy guy, so he just put it out for his research assistant, Mr. Twitter. And if he prolongs the agony for Seth Rich's parents by implying that their dead son was a disloyal leaker, well, "some degree of emotional pain" is just the price they have to pay for Rudy's insatiable curiosity.
Moscow Mitch Writes Love Song To All The Senate Norms He's F*cked Before
McConnell writes NYT op-ed begging Democrats not to nuke filibuster. Sounds like he's scared.
The New York Times published a work of fiction today from Mitch McConnell. The tortoise who wrecked the Senate passionately defended the legislative filibuster, which he argues plays a "crucial role in our Constitutional order." McConnell isn't just a singularly graceless liar. He also thinks you're stupid.
This is how his fairy tale begins:
" You'll regret this, and you may regret this a lot sooner than you think."
That was my warning to Senate Democrats in November 2013.
Don't you just love a story that kicks off with someone's straight-up gangster declaration? The Godfather at least opened with a wedding. McConnell likes to cast former Democratic leader Harry Reid as the villain who blew up Senate norms so Barack Obama could pack the courts with Castro clones. This isn't what happened. The Republican Senate minority blocked countless Obama executive branch appointments. They were not "controversial," as McConnell claims -- they just weren't right wing hacks. Republicans also used the filibuster to "negotiate" legislative concessions. They were close to demanding protection money from Obama, so Reid went nuclear. McConnell, naturally, takes no responsibility for this. He repeatedly broke his word to Reid and refused to honor previous commitments.
Who Put The Dumbass Greenland Idea In Trump's Head? This Dumbass Did.
BAD TOM COTTON, BAD.
NOW WE KNOW WHO THE ASSHOLE IS.
When it was first reported that Donald Trump was waddling around the White House begging to write letters to Santa so he could say he's been a very good boy this year, therefore can he pretty please have Greenland, Rachel Maddow exhorted the people who surround Donald Trump not to play such cruel pranks on the president, filling his tiny little brain with ideas like this. Everybody knows by this point that if you tell Trump some hilarious bullshit, especially hilarious bullshit that could inflate his false sense of importance, he will take to it like a puppy with a bone or a full-grown dog showing lipstick, and he will not. let. it. go. Thus, Greenland.
Hell, the news came out, and it turned out Trump was so addicted to the idea, and soooooooo very not in on the joke, that he actually had a temper tantrum and canceled his upcoming trip state visit to Denmark when he found out he would not be allowed to close escrow on Greenland.
And now we know how he got that idea. The trouble is that the person who gave him the idea is at least as stupid as he is, so it feels a little bit cruel to tell Arkansas Senator Tom Cotton not to play jokes like this on the president, since he's probably not in on the joke either.
House Democrats Just Wondering If Someone In Munch's Shop Messed With Trump's Tax Audit
UNPOSSIBLE!
Can you sue the Chosen One? Do you have to go to Israel to get personal jurisdiction over the King of the Jews? Does the Lord Herself have to deliver the subpoena, or will Alan Dershowitz accept service? Lucky for House Ways and Means Chair Richard Neal he doesn't have to worry about any of that, since the Second Coming is the plaintiff suing the Committee to stop it from blasphemously accessing his sacred tax returns.
Cake Or Death? Donald Trump Chooses DEATH, PLEASE!
Surprise, we're not doing gun control!
It was true when he said it. He really did mean to do something about the epidemic of gun deaths after the latest mass shootings in Ohio and Texas when he said, "I think background checks are important. I don't want to put guns into the hands of mentally unstable people or people with rage or hate, sick people. I don't want to — I'm all in favor of it." Just like it was totally true last year after the Parkland shooting in Florida when he promised, "We're going to be very strong on background checks. We're going to be doing very strong background checks."
But then Donald Trump realized it would cost him political support with the NRA. And because he lives in rightwing bubble where he's not hemorrhaging support among suburban woman who are freaking out about their kids getting shot at school, he couldn't risk it. Therefore, it wasn't true anymore. More people will have to die so Donald Trump can avoid pissing off the gun nuts. Sorry, kids!
Corey Lewandowski Will Make Sweet Extramarital Love To Senate Race, F*ck Congressional Subpoenas
What fun we have here!
Corey Lewandowski, COME ON DOWN! You're the second contestant on the Trump Fuckin' Up Local Elections Show! Last season, the audience was treated to the spectacle of Kris Kobach being foisted on Kansas voters by presidential endorsement, defeating sitting Governor Jeff Colyer in the Republican primary, only to go down to Democrat Laura Kelly in the general. In Kansas! Turns out, furiously humping Trump's leg isn't actually a winning strategy in a place where Democrats and independent voters make up a sizable portion of the electorate. Womp womp!
But Corey's a scrapper, especially when it comes to the ladies. Will he rise to the challenge and take on New Hampshire's Democratic Senator Jeanne Shaheen in 2020? It's looking more and more likely. This week, Trump's shady-ass pollster Tony Fabrizio was flogging a dubious survey showing Lewandowski beating all the declared Republicans. On the subject of his viability against Shaheen herself, Fabrizio was silent. Last night, Lewandowski got a shoutout from Trump at his Manchester MAGA rally. And RNC Chair Ronna Romney McDaniel gushed to Politico, "Obviously, Corey is a star. He's going to do really well if he debates any Democrat, Shaheen."
And if by "star" Ronna means a raging dickhead who once got arrested for bringing a gun into a congressional office building, grabbed a (Breitbart!) reporter and threw her on the ground during the 2016 campaign, slapped a woman's ass at a Trump gala and laughed that it was allowed in the "private sector," suggested that the current Republican governor of New Hampshire is associated with Hamas, and ran around on the mother of his four kids with a much younger campaign staffer, then your Wonkette is entirely in agreement.
What Is This, Devin Nunes? A Farm For ANTS?
E-I-E-I-O!
Honestly, you guys, we are starting to get worried about Devin Nunes and any bovine organisms who may or may not be in his thrall right now. And when we say "worried," we are saying it in that insincere southern way, where mostly we are saying we are "worried" so that we may politely talk shit without anyone thinking we are a gossip, the good Lord forbid.
He's been suing imaginary internet cows. He's been suing his own constituents for calling him a fake farmer and signing petitions against him and saying they'll pray for him. His own Republican counterparts, at least some of them, don't seem to know what to do with him, bless his heart.
And now it kinda sounds like the poor thing is trying to prove against all available evidence that he IS TOO a real farmer, just look at this worthless non-income-producing $15,000 plot of land he owns:
For the first time in more than a decade, Rep. Devin Nunes is reporting that he owns a stake in a farm.
The new disclosure comes a year after Democratic groups accused Nunes, R-Tulare, of being a "fake farmer" and unsuccessfully challenged his description of himself as a farmer on California ballots.
Nunes, R-Tulare, reported on a newly released financial disclosure form that he owns a Tulare County farm that generates no income for him and is worth less than $15,000.
SHUT UP, IT IS TOO A REAL FARM.
New Bill: Maybe Cops Shooting To Kill Could Be A Last Resort?
Usual suspects fucking outraged.
Two Democratic members of Congress have introduced a bill aimed at dialing back the overall shootiness of America's police. Fatal shootings by cops have increased every year since 2016, although that is, of course, all Barack Obama's fault. The PEACE Act, by Reps. Ro Khanna (D-California) and Lacy Clay (D-Missouri), would require all federal law enforcement officers to use deadly force only as a last resort, and only "after exhausting reasonable alternatives to the use of such force." The bill would use the leverage of federal law-enforcement funding to nudge state and local governments to adopt similar use-of-force policies.
To underline the need for changes in policing, Khanna and Clay unveiled the bill last Friday, on the five-year anniversary of the killing of Michael Brown in Ferguson, Missouri. And to suggest just how much attitudes among law enforcement need changing, that anniversary was followed Monday by Attorney General Bill Barr's speech in which he said police are literally "fighting ... a war" against the very worst evildoers, every day. The bill clearly won't go anywhere while Fascism and Order Republicans control the White House and Senate, but after 2020, that could change.
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