Martha McSally Insults CNN Reporter, Makes In-Kind Donation To Mark Kelly's Campaign
You could almost feel sorry for Martha McSally (please don't). Arizona's junior senator was appointed to her job after voters already rejected her. Now she'll have to face Democrat Mark Kelly in a real election this year, and real elections are hard. She tried raising money like a good Republican. McSally Inc brought in more than $4 million in the final three months of 2019. Her total fundraising for the year was $12 million, and she rang in 2020 with more than $7.6 million cash on hand. That is objectively good news if viewed in a total vacuum.
Ruh-roh! Kelly, who rejected corporate PAC money and must soldier on with just "pocket change," outraised McSally. He brought in $6.3 million in the last quarter, and he's sitting on top of $13.6 million in cash. He's consistently outperformed her fundraising numbers, and she's the incumbent senator. Of course, Kelly has the advantage of not sucking.
This DOES Sound Like Matt Gaetz!
When we were covering the confirmation of accused boofing sexual predator Brett Kavanaugh to a lifetime position on the Supreme Court, we realized one of the reasons we absolutely believed the women, part of why their stories were so absofuckinglutely believable, was because, as a person who also went to private schools, we know that guy.
Yes, this post is about GOP Rep. Matt Gaetz, but give us a second.
At the time, we wrote about our realization about which guy Brett Kavanaugh was, at his private high school and in college:
You see, we think we have figured out which drunk rich asshole white guy Brett Kavanaugh was in high school. He wasn't one of the guys who was "popular" in the sense of all the girls had crushes on him (and some of the guys too!) and wanted to go necking with him at Boner Cove even on school nights. That was Trevor and Rob and Johnny, and they were #dreamy and Johnny had a Camaro and your mom said Johnny was a total Eddie Haskell but even your mom acknowledged that Johnny was pretty cute.
Kavanaugh, we are guessing, was "popular" in that he was a partier and he spent a lot of time with his "bros," and they probably jacked off in a big circle in their parents' basements only sometimes. They had access to drugs and Natty Light, but secretly, deep down, they were incredibly jealous of Trevor and Rob and Johnny and Johnny's Camaro, because what makes those guys so great anyway? GRANTED, Trevor's ass is perfect and Rob's eyes can make any human melt and Johnny has that Camaro (and is hung like a wild horse), but NO FAIR, WHY THEY GET ALL THE GIRLS? Anyway, we are just saying Brett Kavanaugh's friend group was probably the type that knew where to buy GHB before anybody else at school even knew what that was.
We don't know if Matt Gaetz ever had a claim to even that sort of popularity in school, but it's possible. Like Kavanaugh, his head is misshapen, and his face gives off a certain whiff of desperation. Consider:
Another example of that guy? Donald Trump Jr., who allegedly used to drunkenly piss himself silly during college, to the point that he earned the nickname "Diaper Don."
Also the badly shaped head thing.
Anyway, the Matt Gaetz story we are about to tell you reminded us of Brett Kavanaugh, and also Donald Trump Jr., and not just because, like Kavanaugh and Junior, Gaetz has been known for being LI'L BIT DRINKY DRINKY in his time, in a particularly douchey and unfuckable way.
WTF Do The Parnas Texts Show, And Can We Splain Them You? YES!
This Trump Ukraine stuff is batshit crazy. Even if you spend all day staring at it -- and we do! -- it's easy to lose the plot. The best way to keep all these characters straight is to sort them by their goals. Ask yourself, "What does this particular cartoon villain want, and how the hell did the president of the goddamn US of A get involved with him?" So, with that in mind, let's read the second tranche of Parnas texts released yesterday by the House Intelligence Committee. Because this right here from Ukrainian prosecutor Yuriy Lutsenko looks suspicious AF:
Rudy, You Cannot Lie When Lev Parnas Has Receipts!
We knew that little chucklefucker was warming up to sing, but we didn't expect him to bust out into The Ring Cycle tonight!
HO. LEE. SHIT. The House Intelligence Committee just dropped a whole load of Lev Parnas's receipts and they are craaaaaaaaaazy.
Does this read like these guys are putting a hit out on former ambassador to Ukraine Marie Yovanovitch, or what?
That sweetheart in blue is Robert Hyde, current congressional candidate in Connecticut's 5th congressional district. He was recently disowned by the Republican party for tweeting something so crude about Kamala Harris that none of the articles about him will even allude to it obliquely. And if you guessed he's a guy with a string of bad debts who's behind on his child support payments, you'd be right!
So naturally he and Donald Trump are good pals.
What's Wrong, Impeachy The Clown, Is Nancy Pelosi Making You Cry A Whole Bunch?
It would appear Donald Trump's bowels are cramping today:
READ TEHT RANSDRIPTS!!1!1 (We did. They are full of crime of the attempted election-stealing variety.) (He's been whining all day, by the way. Whining about how it was a witch hunt, whining about how he wasn't allowed representation in the House proceedings, when of course, he was offered that privilege and turned it down. Meh.)
He's right, though. There is a stigma to being impeached. Know who laughs a lot at impeached presidents? Unimpeached presidents.
At least we assume unimpeached presidents are prone to having a giggle at the expense of impeached presidents. (Hey did you guys hear the first film from Barack and Michelle Obama's production company was nominated for an Oscar this morning? Just one more thing he has that Trump never will.)
Anyway.
