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Conservatives Thrilled 'SpongeBob Squarepants' No Longer A Sissy Welfare Mooch

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Take a few moments out of your busy day surfing the internets and watch that SpongeBob promo above. Bear with us. This is going somewhere.

So you checked it out, right, and maybe what you saw was pretty much a critique of the nonsense of job creators, as SpongeBob's boss fires him mid-shift because it will save him a nickel and because you're for some reason unable to watch children's cartoons without deciding there's an overt political message. SPOILER ALERT: Later in the show, after a period of unemployment, SpongeBob straightens up and flies right and learns to look for another job and looks here like he finds another job because his burger-making skills are in demand. What do you do if you're a conservative and you'll grasp at any shred of cultural relevance because otherwise all you've got is Ted Nugent? You say SpongeBob is your new conservahero!

If you're Breitbart, you declare that SpongeBob is a veritable parable for the virtues of self-sufficiency is thumbing its spongy soft nose at the welfare state. If you're the New York Post, you smugble about how even though he's depressed, he goes and finds any job that will have him. Let's take a moment to talk about how that still presumes there are ANY jobs to be had, which is not necessarily the case in the real world and then let's stop doing that because we are now over-analyzing the adventures of a goddamn cartoon sponge.

[Malware at Happy; Link blocked for now]

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And now for some very serious TUT TUTTING! It's time again for Republicans to make sad words about President Treason McTraitorpants selling out the country. This time they are seriously concerned, nay even deeply troubled, that Donald Trump would stand next to Vladimir Putin and pretend the Russians didn't hack the 2016 election. These patriotic Republicans are shocked, SHOCKED! Well, not, like, upset enough to do anything about it -- not with a fascist carpooler to jam into the Supreme Court. But they've got tweets, so it's all good!

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Republicans are in a pickle. Midterms are coming up and the party in the White House usually loses seats in those elections. It doesn't help their chances that their guy Donald Trump frolics through fields holding hands with self-made Russian dictator and coincidental poisoner Vladimir Putin, who our own justice department believes attacked our mostly free elections and our true national monument, the Internet.

If you're as old as I am, you'll recall that back in the 1980s, the whole Republican brand involved not trusting the Ruskies, and they were especially disappointed when Kevin Costner turned out to be one in No Way Out. Now, the current Republican president is talking like some kind of crazy commie lib, bashing the FBI and giving the benefit of the doubt to a former KGB agent. During an interview Sunday where he wore a hat with "USA" in big letters on it, presumably so someone could easily return him if he got lost on the field trip, Trump went so far as to call the European Union a "foe" of his country, which if you believe his hat is supposedly the United States not Russia.

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