Conservatives To Facebook: Screw You Guys, We're Going Home


Has Facebook not been meeting your needs, conservative friends? Have you long wished for an alternative where you and onlyyour people could come together and share pictures of guns to fap to and new not-at-all-true emails to forward to your liberal-scumbag family? Do you wish it had a snappy name like facespace or mybook or any of the other made-up social networks on Law and Order: SVU? (Listen, people, NOT GETTING SUED is important and awesome, so we do not blame Dick Wolf for not accidentally defaming Mark Zuckerberg and then having to turn over all his money and private information forever.)

OK listen. They couldn't come up with a clever portmanteau name for their no-liebruls-allowed treehouse, so they just went with Tea Party Community. Would you like to know more?

The Tea Party Community co-founder Ken Crow tells Fox News, he wants to make it the Facebook alternative for conservatives and the Tea Party movement.

So far, it has drawn upward of 50,000 members, attracted to what Crow calls a “safe haven for the conservative movement where we can share ideas and thoughts and express ourselves without fear of retribution.”

Crow claims that he and other conservatives have been targeted by Facebook and its liberal users simply for attempting to express their political point of view.

Yes, Facebook has been keeping the conservative man DOWN. (Just ask Victoria Jackson, she NEVER SHUTS UP about it!) To solve that, the best thing you can possibly do is COMPLETELY FUCKING STEAL Facebook's layout for your own nonsense site. (HuffPo, in a delightful bit of understatement, states simply that the page looks "remarkably similar to Facebook.") Seriously, Tea Party Community? May I call you TPC? Much snappier. TPC, Mark Zuckerberg's army of flying, are going to rip off your head and shit down your throat, to put it politely. You're talking about a guy that forced his business partners - PEOPLE HE LIKED - out of business forever and routinely dicks over every person in the world by creating a morass of privacy settings one would need a Ph.D to navigate. You think the guy won't just have you murdered (hyperbole, Mark Zuckerberg! please do not sue us!) for stealing his site design??

At this point, you're probably thinking "huh. I really didn't think of Facebook as conservative OR liberal. It is just the site where people I don't remember from high school try to friend me. It is also the place where family members I hate post things I hate, but that is the price of human interaction." If you are thinking this, you are probably a sheeple instead of a genius free-minded don't-tread-on-me type. You should stay with Facebook, which is for wussy liberals who are also, simultaneously and inexplicably, huge bullies. For those of you that are ready to throw off your weenie shackles, you can join TPC, where you can see this sort of thing on the regular:

In Virginia, the Mecklenburg Tea Party drew statewide backlash last year when it refused to remove a series of Facebook photos depicting President Barack Obama as a witch doctor, neanderthal and thug. In that case, the pressure came from the Virginia GOP, not Facebook.

And in 2011, a failed Tea Party candidate unleashed a racial epithet-laden Facebook post that called for the assassination of Obama and his family. The poster later took down the message under his own accord and replaced it with an apology.

Oh. Apparently you could already see that on Facebook. No matter. On TPC it will be all pictures of watermelon patches on the White House lawn all the time.

Fare thee well, homophobic uncles. Fare thee well, high school friend that isn't racist but just hates black people. Fare thee well, conspiracy-minded cousins. Fare thee well, mommies who don't believe in vaccination. You finally have a place where you belong.


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Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

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Money us, PLEASE! Throw a tip in the jar, or click here to keep your Wonkette snarking forever.

[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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