Jeffrey Epstein Was Trash And Now He's Dead.

Good riddance.

Officials are reporting that Jeffrey Epstein, billionaire pedophile, committed suicide last night in his jail cell. Apparently, he was too much of a coward to go to trial for trafficking and abusing young women over a period of several decades, and decided it would be better to just get it over with now. So he hanged himself and his body was found in his cell at the Metropolitan Correctional Center this morning. He tried before and failed, and this time he got it right.

The only unfortunate thing here is that he did not have to go to trial and did not have to actually face his victims or what he did. He took the easy way out. But no one will miss him, no one will mourn him, and the only thing his own lawyers could come up with to say about the whole thing was pretty much just "Nobody should die in jail."

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Tucker Carlson: Everyone Just Calm Down & Wait For The Race War

Tucker, go on Chapo.

Tucker Carlson is an unrepentant racist scumbag. He also reportedly carves his steaks before first allowing them to rest. Last night, Carlson responded like he always does when he airs an especially offensive segment. He whines that the left is trying to "silence him" and then rolls around in his own racist filth. Let's break down his encore performance.

CARLSON: Things are getting dangerously crazy on the Left. How crazy? On Monday, former Jeb Bush spokeswoman Nicolle Wallace explained that President Trump is planning a genocide of Hispanic Americans.

That's not what MSNBC host Nicolle Wallace -- a former Republican -- said. She and USA Today columnist Paul Reyes discussed Donald Trump's use of words such as "invasion" and "infestation" to describe immigrants and how this dehumanizing rhetoric has historically led to the genocide of "undesirables." Carlson claimed Latinos don't mind the extermination talk because they actually dig the president. This is where the TV dinner heir demonstrates his shaky command of math.

CARLSON: Keep in mind, Donald Trump got a higher percentage of the Hispanic vote than Mitt Romney did.

That's a whopping 28 percent to Romney's 27 percent. Or roughly the same.

CARLSON: It turns out that not all Latinos believe in open borders. A lot of them agree with Donald Trump.

Dude, 28 percent is only "a lot" if it's out of 40. The overwhelming majority of Hispanic voters don't like Donald Trump or his racist policies. If you oversampled Candace Owens in a poll, you'd think "a lot" of black people prefer benevolent slavery to the tyranny of freedom.

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If Tucker Carlson Doesn't Believe In White Supremacy, How Can He Believe In Himself?

Carlson responds to El Paso with a heaping helping of more racism!

Did you think for a minute that the racist-fueled murders of 22 people in El Paso this weekend would cause bigoted half-wit Tucker Carlson to reconsider his life choices? If so, you're obviously high on Hallmark movies. The Fox News host spent most of Tuesday's show blaming Democrats for "dividing" Americans based on their identity and otherwise raising mobs against decent people like Donald Trump donors and -- LOL -- Mitch McConnell.

CARLSON: Using race to divide us is a core tenet of the Left. Identity politics is the process of dividing people on the basis of immutable characteristics, factors they can't control. That's what the Democratic Party is at this point. It's an identity politics party. They promise some Americans reparations. They denounce others for their skin color. They call it PRIVILEGE!

Carlson uses classic abuser rhetoric when he claims the "Left" is "dividing" the nation. Like most conservatives, Carlson hates at least half the country. He self-divides himself from us every night. But, sure, whatever, Tucker, the Democratic Party -- the one with all the minorities -- is the racist party. When not constantly warring with Eurasia, the Democrats are pitting Americans against each other for crass political gain. This more accurately describes the current White House squatter, who calls Elizabeth Warren "Pocahontas" and claims Beto O'Rourke tricked Hispanics into liking him by changing just his first name. But Carlson believes Trump goes out of his way to combat the true racism plaguing the nation, which is suggesting that PRIVILEGE is why a doofus like Carlson doesn't make his living collecting discarded soda cans.

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Post-Racial America

PragerU Spreading Absurd Lies About Trump's 'Very Fine People' In Charlottesville

It's more fake news from the right wing hacks at Prager 'University.'

Donald Trump grossly defended white supremacists in Charlottesville, Virginia. We all remember it. It was so objectively awful even average white uncles across the nation were offended, which is why their king and presidential candidate Joe Biden decried Trump's "both sides" BS in his campaign launch video. Biden isn't one for controversial stances unless it's about segregationists.

Charlottesville is a sticking point for conservatives. They must think it's worse than all the countless other racist things Trump has done. Biden at least thinks it's a compelling example for white moderates of Trump's moral unfitness. Maybe this is why the right keeps re-litigating Charlottesville. Right-wing fake university PragerU released a video today called "The Charlottesville Lie." The "lie" CNN commentator Steve Cortes exposes is not Trump's absurd claim that there were "very fine" people on both sides of a Nazi rally. No, the "lie" is the "fake" media's claim that Trump said anything so obviously racist and terrible. We simply didn't see what we saw or hear what we heard. Also, there are five lights. CNN should reconsider the non-fake paychecks it still sends Cortes.

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QAnon Way Ahead Of You With Conspiracy Theory About FBI Calling Their Conspiracy Theories A Domestic Terror Threat

I mean, you saw that coming, right?

For the last couple weeks, Ted Cruz has been leading the fight to get Antifa branded as a terrorist organization despite the fact that it isn't actually an organization. Trump himself has recently jumped on that train as well. There are two big problems with this. For one, it's not the president that declares a group a terrorist threat, and for another, unlike right-wing extremists, people who engage in Antifa -- short for anti-fascist -- activities haven't killed anyone or done anything that would traditionally come under the label of terrorism. While punching someone in the face or throwing a milkshake at them is a form of assault, it's not "terrorism."

Alas! It's not Antifa getting that designation, but rather far-right, pro-Trump conspiracy theorists.

A memo published Thursday on Yahoo revealed that the FBI is now considering far-right conspiracy theories like Pizzagate and QAnon to be a domestic terror threat, simply because there have been several actually serious violent incidents and attempted violent incidents in the past few years in which belief in one or more of these theories was a factor.

Sure, "LOL guess who's a domestic terrorist now!" is cathartic, but I'm not at all certain that this designation alone is all that helpful. If they're just slapping a label on these conspiracy communities and not actually doing any follow-up in terms of paying attention to them, their targets and —most importantly — the specific dates they're looking forward to, this might not do much more than feed into the persecution complexes these people already have. Judging by a statement provided to Yahoo by the FBI's national press office, they don't intend on doing any of that:

"While our standard practice is to not comment on specific intelligence products, the FBI routinely shares information with our law enforcement partners in order to assist in protecting the communities they serve," the FBI said.

In its statement, the FBI also said it can "never initiate an investigation based solely on First Amendment protected activity. As with all of our investigations, the FBI can never monitor a website or a social media platform without probable cause."

If there's probable cause to label this a domestic terror threat, how is there not probable cause to find out what these people actually believe and what people or things they see as targets? They're acknowledging that these theories could make certain targets vulnerable, but without any monitoring of websites and social media sites (which are public, by the way), they can't do anything to make these targets more safe in advance of someone going off the rails.

As ridiculous and poisonous as all the QAnon bullshit is, I actually don't think the vast majority of people involved with it are prone to doing any kind of "domestic terrorism." Their whole mantra is "trust the plan" — meaning that anything that happens, even if it seems really bad for them, is all part of Donald Trump's master plan. All they are supposed to do, they believe, is assist him with "research" and then sit back and "enjoy the show" when martial law is enacted and the mass arrests of everyone they've ever disliked begin. I would actually argue that the people who are most dangerous here are the ones who "lose their faith" in the face of Q's predictions not coming true and who then attempt to take things into their own hands.

For instance, while you might think that they would see the FBI's memo and wonder, if "Q" were truly in cahoots with Donald Trump and if the Q people were "helping" Trump with their "research," why he would allow the FBI to call the QAnon conspiracy shit a domestic terror threat. But they have multiple explanations!

One, currently being promoted on Gateway Pundit by Stupidest Man on the Internet Jim Hoft, is that the designation doesn't count somehow because the document cites Snopes and Wikipedia as sources.

Another is that Yahoo actually fabricated the document, in cahoots with Jill McCabe, wife of former Deputy Director of the FBI Andrew McCabe:

There is indeed a Jill McCabe who works in the Phoenix field office, but Andrew McCabe's wife, Jill, is an emergency room pediatrician. We think they might be different people. Or lizard people. Maybe that too.

Then there is the theory that this was done on purpose in order to "force the question."

What they mean by this is that the Q people have long been hoping for a reporter to ask Trump about Q, at which point they expect that he will say that "Q" is real and is acting at his behest or whatever.

One particular sentence in the FBI memo that acknowledges the fact that the existence of actual, proven conspiracies and cover-ups makes people more likely to believe in stupid, unproven conspiracies is being taken by the "anons" as "proof" that the reason the FBI considers them a threat is because what they are uncovering is real.

Another factor driving the intensity of conspiracy theorizing in the United States, and the subsequent threat from conspiracy-minded extremists, is the uncovering of real conspiracies or cover-ups involving illegal, harmful, or unconstitutional activities by government officials or leading political figures.

Reading comprehension is not their strong point!

I do believe that having a greater understanding of these conspiracy theories can help law enforcement when they are in the middle of a situation in which a perpetrator believes in one of them, but the publication of this particular memo may cause more harm than good.


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Peggy Noonan Shall Not Be Surrendering Herself To The Pronoun Guillotines Just Yet

Do you hear the Peggy sing?

For the last two weeks, wingnuts across the land have been shrieking in horror over a guide from the Inclusive Communications Task Force at Colorado State University that encouraged students to think more about the kind of language they use, along with a few alternatives to some terms that might make people uncomfortable. It was not an order of any kind, no one was going to be punished for not abiding by it, but still! Even discussing things like different pronouns or the fact that the term "basket case" originally referred to a WWII veteran who was a quadruple amputee could be dangerous.

So dangerous, in fact, that Peggy Noonan dedicated her column in the Wall Street Journal this week to pointing out how this guide and the theories behind it may propel this great nation into a decade of bloodshed. And guillotines. Probably.

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Conspiracy Theories

Clintons Murdered Jeffrey Epstein, But He Got Better

Just another perfectly normal day on the internet.

Accused child sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein has been placed on suicide watch in the federal jail where he's awaiting trial, after he was found "semi-conscious with marks on his neck" Wednesday night, according to WNBC-TV. Not surprisingly, that led the hashtag #ClintonBodyCount to explode on Twitter today, because what could be more obvious proof of the Clintons' malign influence than the "attempted suicide" of a guy who could spill the beans about Bill and Hillary's deep state sex slavery ring? Of course, Epstein survived, which sort of argues against the notion of the incident involving Hillary's elite death squads, but why let a minor detail like "no body" get in the way of another entry on the Body Count?

There's not a lot of detail about what happened with Epstein at Manhattan's Metropolitan Correctional Center (MCC). WNBC reports only that two sources said Epstein was found in "a fetal position" in his cell, and that he may have tried to hang himself. A third source said the injuries weren't serious, and speculated Epstein may have been trying to get transferred somewhere else. A fourth source said officials were investigating whether Epstein was assaulted by another inmate, a former cop who's been charged with murdering four people in connection with a cocaine distribution racket. The attorney for that inmate told NBC News the former cop never assaulted nobody, and that the leaked allegation was obvious retaliation by jail officials after his client complained about conditions at MCC.

Those are the facts so far, which all add up to only one conclusion for the Loonysphere: The Clintons are behind it all, because who else would be able to get an ex cop (from NEW YORK, where the Clintons run everything) to put the hit on Epstein?

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White Nonsense

Chris Wallace Sh*ts All Over Stephen Miller, So That's 'Sad'

It's the Sunday Show Rundown!

El Presidente Trumpito's syphilis-addled brain tweets from last week, when he told four congresswomen of color ("The Squad," Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Ilhan Omar, Rashida Tlaib, and Ayanna Pressley) to "go back where you came from," sent Republicans on a weeklong Circe De SuRacists acrobatics to excuse it.

We went from Kellyanne Conway's impromptu with journalists to racists at a Trump rally chanting "Send Her Back" which Trump basked in before trying to gaslight people into believing he opposed to it only to later follow it with "sorry not sorry" while doubling down. Normally, any sane person would let this die down so the media/news cycle could move on. But norms don't exist, President Fucksquib is not a sane person, and time is a flat circle we are doomed to repeat.

Living these 2 1/2 years really ages you...


So early Sunday morning, while probably fast food constipated, Donnie decided to tweet:

So who better to speak about racism than Trump's own Wormtongue, Stephen Miller, on "Fox News Sunday" with Chris Wallace.

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Excuse Me, There Is A Time Traveler Running For President And I Need To Know More Please

Also this is your open thread!

If there is anything I pride myself on, it is knowing way too much about almost every kind of weird shit there is to know about. Thus, imagine my shock when, while in an internet hole earlier this week, I discovered the existence of a man named Andrew Basiago who claims to be a time traveler and who is also supposed to be running for president in 2020. As it turns out, I am totally late on this, he has been a thing for YEARS and he also ran for president in 2016. Someone should have told me. I should have known. I could have been obsessed with him for at least three years by now, and it's just not fair.

Apparently Basiago, because of all the time traveling he has done, knows for a fact that he will be President of the United States of America sometime between 2016 and 2028. He is not sure of the specific year for some reason, but he knows it will happen. Now that 2016 is off the table, he's now shooting for 2020.

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Oh, To Be A Fly On The Wall At Trump's Internet Troll Pity 'N' Paranoia Party Today!

Imagine the spirited intellectual discussions!

Donald Trump is all set today to host a "summit" on social media with all of his bestest troll friends from the internet, for "a robust conversation on the opportunities and challenges of today's online environment" to sit around and whine about the ways Twitter and Facebook are out to get them and conservatives like them.

The guest list includes such luminaries as professional douchebag James O'Keefe, Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL), Sen. Marsha Blackburn (R-TN), a guy who makes memes and calls himself CarpeDonktum, YouTuber Tim Pool (who claims to be a liberal who just happens to think the Right is pretty much right about everything and yells about "SJWs" a whole lot), Ali Akbar (a convicted felon who recently claimed that Kamala Harris was not actually a black person), alt-liter Will Chamberlain (who notably promoted a hoax picture in which protesters at a Mike Cernovich event were smeared as pedophiles), Students for Trump co-founder Ryan Fournier, and QAnon idiot Bill Mitchell.

Conservative organizations like the Heritage Foundation, the Media Research Center, and Prager U have also RSVP'd, along with Turning Point USA, which will be represented by diaper fetishist Charlie Kirk and Benny Johnson, America's second favorite plagiarist after Meghan McCain's husband, Ben Domenech.

In other words, "the best people."

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Non-Alex-Jones Lunatics Lose Lawsuit On Whether Sandy Hook 6-Year-Old Ever Existed

No, it wasn't Alex Jones. Like we just said.

A judge in Wisconsin ruled Monday that a Sandy Hook truther's bullshit conspiracy-theory book-shaped object defamed Leonard Pozner, the father of the youngest child to die in the mass shooting, and set a trial date later this year to determine damages. The 2016 book, with the elegant title Nobody Died At Sandy Hook: It was a FEMA Drill to Promote Gun Control, insisted, among other keen insights, that in reality the Sandy Hook school had been abandoned for years before the 2012 massacre, and that Pozner, father of six-year-old murder victim Noah Pozner, had faked his son's death certificate as part of an elaborate conspiracy to take America's guns away -- and besides, maybe the child never existed at all.

In an interview, Mr. Pozner told the New York Times,

This is a victory for myself and my family [...] It is also a victory for the survivors and victims' families of all mass casualty events who have been targeted by these people.

The case focused primarily on the contention that Pozner had fabricated his son's death certificate, a claim laid out in a chapter by the book's co-editor, James Fetzer, who himself lives in the geographically dishonest village of "Oregon, Wisconsin," and if that isn't a conspiracy we don't know what is. Fetzer, a philosophy professor emeritus at the University of Minnesota-Duluth, had claimed that a copy of a copy of god knows how many copies of the death certificate was clearly fake, because very stupid reasons involving seals and file numbers and the sort of dumb shit we all heard about Barack Obama's birth certificate.

Pozner's attorney, Jacob Zimmerman, demonstrated to the court's satisfaction that Fetzer's arguments were nonsense:

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Gloria Vanderbilt Died, Which Means It's Time For CRAZY Q-ANON SH*T About Gloria Vanderbilt!

Seriously, what is WRONG with these people?

On Monday, Gloria Vanderbilt -- socialite, jeans lady, and mom of Anderson Cooper -- passed away at the age of 95. In more normal times, this would merely result in a few obituaries and tributes about her life, and the requisite few RIP tweets.

Unfortunately, we do not live in normal times. These days, no celebrity can die without it becoming the purview of the crazypants QAnon cult, followers of which believe that no one ever dies under normal circumstances, especially not 95-year-old ladies.

Vanderbilt and her family were already something of an obsession with these people due to several "Q proofs" accusing her of doing magic spells, wearing magic illuminati owl necklaces, and [checks notes] doing something involving "red shoes," which the QAnon people think people only wear if they love sacrificing children to Satan.

Yes, this is a thing. No, I do not know if they are also mad at Elvis Costello.

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Alex Jones Being Very Reasonable About The Child Porn In His Emails, Hardly Threatening Anyone's Life At All

'This is like saying Jesus is in league with the devil.'

On Monday, lawyers representing Sandy Hook families revealed that the emails sent to them for discovery by Alex Jones's defense team contained about a dozen images of child pornography. As soon as one of the emails was discovered, the lawyers sent them to the FBI, because that is the normal thing to do when one finds child pornography (or even Russian offers of electoral assistance) in a trove of emails.

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Culture Wars

Wingnuts Freak Out Over Dancin' 'Borted Babbies (Again)

It has to be real, because fake videos on the Internet are UNPOSSIBLE.

A whole bunch of rightwing anti-abortion people are losing their shit over a year-old, six-second video clip that they're absolutely certain shows sick disgusting abortion doctors playing with two dead babies they just violently murdered. Or maybe it's medical students joking around with realistic-looking replicas. Or possibly actual miscarried fetuses in a morgue or an anatomy lab. Or perhaps it's some people dressed like doctors and faking the whole thing to stir shit up. In any case, it's outrageous and proof that only monsters support the right to abortion, and whatever the provenance of the video, it's darn well time to ban abortion, so people will finally respect life. And also to find the people in the video so they can be executed.

Here's one of the many popular uploads of the thing, from Super-Christian Matt Walsh:

Father Frank Pavone Flag Emoji, who leads the group "Priests for Life," said this is obviously real, because he has investigated abortioners and doctors playing with dead babies is actually quite common, any fools knows that, because they are evil:

So what the hell are we looking at here? It is a short video that nobody can actually find a source for, so a lot of Internet Detectives have taken to confidently explaining exactly what we're looking at in these five seconds. The first place to proclaim it absolutely shows heartless doctors laughing and making poor aborted babies dance for their amusement was the very reliable LifeNews, last July. The article, by convicted would-be clinic bomber (the bomb failed to go off) Cheryl Sullenger, explained the video "first appeared about two weeks ago on a Venezuelan Facebook account titled 'Vídeos Mundo Curioso,' which posts videos of an unusual nature." The link, not surprisingly, is as dead as whatever the people in white coats are bouncing around, although the Video Mundo Curioso Facebook page is still up. And LifeNews has earned itself a whole bunch of entries at, which regularly debunks the outfit's exaggerations and distortions.

No details have surfaced on whence the video came, but that's no reason to think it's not exactly what the anti-abortion folks say it is. We're especially impressed by the logic in this discussion at RedState:

It should be noted that at this time, there are claims going around that the video is fake, and after some searching, I haven't found any proof that it's not real, and you can even notice a gash on the back of one of the baby's necks where the abortion procedure would have been performed.

As far as I'm concerned, this is a legitimate video. If it is fake, then someone went through an awful lot of trouble to make it as detailed as possible.

Got that? Nobody has proven it's fake, and a quick search has turned up no facts at all about where it came from, so yeah, it has to be legitimate. That is how logic works, after all.

Mind you, a lot of people replying to the rightwing tweets are stating these are absolutely definitely anatomical dolls being played with by medical students, although there's no evidence proving that claim either. Frankly, Yr Wonkette finds that a far more likely read, but then, we would, wouldn't we? At the very least, skepticism of a video that nobody has taken any credit for seems merited, unless you're inclined to believe this is what 'bortion docs do for kicks when they're not ripping fetuses apart like wishbones, and maybe wagering on who gets the bigger chunk.

The Daily Dot asked Dr. Jennifer Gunter, an OB-GYN who takes on all sorts of weird abortion myths on Twitter, what she made of the video, and while she didn't pretend to know exactly what the video shows, she was decidedly skeptical about the rightwing interpretation.

She told the Daily Dot that she had only seen the clip on her phone and that it's difficult to say for sure what the people in the video are handling. Still, she said it's unlikely the video shows medical professionals handling a fetus after an abortion.

"I can't tell if they are old specimens, dolls, bodies on the morgue," Gunter said. "I don't think people would be dressed like that and handling dolls. We also don't know if they are fetuses, premature neonates who died, or if they are nonhuman primates! However, nothing about the video says to me this was immediately after an abortion."

Like, there is literally no blood, and the setting looks a lot more like a lab or classroom than a medical office.

As for that "wound" -- it's where the abortioners suck the brains out after a partial birth abortion! -- our own expert forensic analysis follows: It looks like a ridiculously large tear, not a surgical incision, and it could just as well be a rip in a rubber doll that's near the end of its useful classroom life. As if anyone can tell anything with the terrible video quality in a clip no one knows anything about.

Still, this is a very excellent addition to the Culture Wars, and we're especially proud of the contribution by Fr. Frank Pavone, who knows how to treat a dead fetus respectfully. You don't bounce it around like a puppet and laugh, that's for sure. No, what you're supposed to do with a dead fetus is display it on a church altar in an election-day video to remind people to go vote for Donald Trump. That is so obvious, duh.

Still, congratulations to Fr. Pavone. While he certainly didn't make up the video (and if he did an "investigation," we sure didn't find it), it's already been a far more successful viral tweet than one of Priests For Life's previous efforts, the Racist Pervert Sex Dragon of Doom.

[RedState / LifeNews / Daily Dot / National Catholic Register]

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'This Week,' Meet The Putzes!

It's The Sunday Show Rundown!

It seems like this week the concentrated political idiocy was all found in two places, NBC's "Meet The Press" and ABC's "This Week." And much like a Gozer the Gozerian of bad political takes, Chuck Todd was mostly there to usher in all forms of the stupid. So allow me to "bust" these morons for you.

I Ain't Afraid of No Chucks

We formally begin with Trump Coven Administration head of the Office of Budget and Management (OMB), acting Chief of Staff, and full time asshole, DMick Mulvaney on "Meet The Press." Mulvaney, as with every appearance he made this week (and any other week for that matter), had plenty of gems to deliver. After the tragic Virginia shooting on Friday that killed 12 people, Mulvaney was asked what Trump plans to do about it. Mulvaney decided to keep the "Thoughts and Prayer" cannons at home and skip straight to the "Don't politicize this" step of conservative inaction:

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Meet The Lady Doctor Who Has BLINDED Us With SCIENCE!

You're gonna want to take a minute with this one.

Yr Dok Zoom had just finished up his piece on Donald Trump's latest Fox News nominee when Yr Editrix had an important message for him! "Uh oh, Dok, you are wrong!"

Well, here at Wonkette, we just HATE being wrong, so we looked at the email Rebecca had pasted right there in the Wonkette Sekrit Chatcave, and blue blistering barnacles, she was right! I had wasted most of yesterday afternoon preparing this morning's long post about Jay Inslee's climate plan for absolutely nothing. While the email wasn't actually about that post, it arrived on the same day, so there's a message, all right.

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