Conspiracy theories

Ohio Kooks Think COVID-19 Vaccine Will Give You Freaky Magnetic Powers Like That’s A Bad Thing

What the hell did we just watch?

Ooh, boy, so the usual gang of idiots are promoting a conspiracy theory that the COVID-19 vaccine contains microchips or other metals that the government uses to track Americans. It's like a 25-year-old plot from the "X-Files," and Agent Scully was clued into the government's diabolical scheme after the metal detector at the FBI picked up the chip in her neck. Yes, because the shadowy government conspiracy never imagined that a person might someday walk through a goddamn metal detector.

The current anti-vaccine conspiracy has the same goofy plot hole. Videos have turned up on social media that appear to show vaccinated individuals who can now stick coins and refrigerator magnets to their arms. If true, that would've at least made them more employable. Why complain? Either the government never bothered with rigorous user experience testing for their evil Bill Gates vaccine, or the government never imagined people would get so bored they'd slap refrigerator magnets on their arms. Either way, it's a half-assed conspiracy.

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Science

Louie Gohmert Jus' Wondrin' If Kicking Earth Off Axis Into Outer Space Might Fix Climate Change???

Maybe with these steel-toed Texas cowboy boots?

Louie Gohmert is working hard to reclaim the title of Dumbest Republican Congressman from Marjorie Taylor Greene and Lauren Boebert and the WHAR BOXES guy.

Which, look. He should never be worried. One of them says a thing, he can always say a thing about caribou sex. Or how you can cure the coronavirus by getting misted in a tent with Magic German Sprinkle Powder. Or that gays in the military are a bad idea because of all the gay massages gay soldiers gonna give each other.

He's fine. He'll always be the stupidest. Always.

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Right Wing Extremism

Senate January 6 Security Failure Report Barely Mentions Security-Failure-In-Chief

Also, the security preparation was shit.

A bipartisan Senate investigation into the January 6 insurrection at the US Capitol found that federal law enforcement, including the "intelligence components" of the Capitol Police, had information on threats of violence at the Capitol but failed to increase security or get that information to the officers actually assigned to defend the Capitol. The 127-page report, the joint work of the the Senate Rules and Administration Committee and the Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee, details a regular fuck-tussle of security failures. But because the investigation was limited only to security issues surrounding the Capitol attacks, it doesn't discuss many of the questions that could be answered by a larger investigation, like the role of Donald Trump in inciting it. Heck, it doesn't even say Trump's insistence that the 2020 election had been stolen was factually incorrect.

Senate Republicans killed the creation of an independent commission to investigate the insurrection because they figured that would hurt the GOP in next year's midterm elections. We bet that's an item that will probably be significant in the eventual historical assessment of the end of American democracy, which will have to be written elsewhere, after Supreme Leader Donald Trump Jr. bans the writing of unapproved works of history in 2031.

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Guns

Federal Judge Who Overturned California’s Assault Weapons Ban More Bonkers Than You Might Imagine

He compared AR-15s to Swiss Army knives.

Last Friday, US District Judge Roger Benitez of the Southern District of California overturned the state's 32-year-ban on assault weapons. He declared the ban unconstitutional and a “failed experiment," much like gladiator sandals and, increasingly, American democracy.

Benitez's 94-page ruling is a doozy. There's not even a warm up. He launches straight into the crazy.

BENITEZ: Like the Swiss Army Knife, the popular AR-15 rifle is a perfect combination of home defense weapon and homeland defense equipment. Good for both home and battle, the AR-15 is the kind of versatile gun that lies at the intersection of the kinds of firearms protected under District of Columbia v. Heller, 554 U.S. 570 (2008) and United States v Miller, 307 U.S. 174 (1939). Yet, the State of California makes it a crime to have an AR-15 type rifle. Therefore, this Court declares the California statutes to be unconstitutional.

Yes, he compares the AR-15 to a goddamn Swiss Amy knife, which you can use to file your nails and open cans. The AR-15 is not recommended for either purpose. Also, Swiss Amy knives aren't used nearly as often in mass shootings.

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