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Conspiracy Theories

Ilhan Omar's Challenger A QAnon-Believing, Alleged-Multiple-Offending Shoplifter On The Run From The Law

And we're not even making fun of her.

Danielle Stella wants Ilhan Omar's seat in Congress. Any Republican would have a hard enough time unseating Omar, given that Minnesota's Fifth District is heavily Democratic, but Stella has more obstacles in her way than the average Minnesota Republican. For one, she is a QAnon believer. Like, among other things, she believes that JFK Jr. or someone is posting secret clues to the internet in order to keep people apprised of Donald Trump's ongoing war against pedophiles who kill children in order to get high off of their adrenal glands.

For another, she can't campaign in the district she is competing for, on account of how there is currently a warrant out for her arrest and she is on the lam.

As The Guardian reported back in July of last year, the 31-year-old special education teacher was arrested twice last year on shoplifting charges — one for allegedly awarding herself a discount of nearly $2400 from a Target, and another for $40 in "cat merchandise" from a supermarket. The Target arrest occurred in January 2019, when police say she scanned about $50 worth of items at the self-checkout, and then walked out with 279 more, totaling $2,327.97.

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White House

Trump Taps Nunes Lackey Kash Patel To Run Nation's Intelligence, If Any

NOW it's time to panic.

Okay, Purity Ponies, this one's for YOU!

Guess which lunatic fox just got put in charge of the Intelligence henhouse? Hooray, it is Devin Nunes's lackey Kash Patel, who spent the past three years flogging the lie that the Intel Community made up the Russian interference story just to hurt Donald Trump. The president just promoted the guy who thinks the FBI and CIA lied about Russian hacking to cover up the fact that HILLARY CLINTON IS THE REAL COLLUSION to senior advisor at the Office of Director of National Intelligence. But please, tell us more about how you'll be staying home if your candidate doesn't win!

After shoving aside (acting) Director of National Intelligence Joe Maguire for the grievous sin of acknowledging Russian ratfucking, Trump named Ambassador to Germany Ric Grenell, a man with zero national security experience, as nominal (acting) DNI until he can pick a permanent successor. Grenell will retain his ambassadorship, and tend to the SEVENTEEN AGENCIES which constitute our the Intelligence Community in his spare time. But it's okay, because that should leave him plenty of time to zero out any projects focusing on Russian interference with the 2020 election. And if there's an issue with the time-zone or something, he's always got Kash Patel to lean on.

If the past three years have blurred together into one long nightmare for you, let's review who Kash Patel is, shall we?

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2016 Presidential Election

Did Trump Offer To Pardon Assange In Exchange For Sexxxxy Hillary Dirts?

'This,' for 'THAT'?

OH, LORD, WHEN WILL 2016 BE OVER? We will never escape that horrible year, no matter how many times we make our way around the sun. Case in point, literally: Just today, Julian Assange argued to a Westminster magistrate that he should not be extradited to the US to face hacking charges because his prosecution is entirely political. As proof, Assange says he has evidence that then-Congressman Dana Rohrabacher delivered a pardon offer in 2017 from Donald Trump. All Assange had to do was say publicly that Russia hadn't hacked the DNC to benefit the Trump campaign, and he could walk his stinky cat-lady ass out of the Ecuadorian embassy where he was holed up and go back to Australia.

A quid pro quo, if you will.

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Legal

CURSES! Bill Barr's Plot To Jail Ex-FBI Guy Andy McCabe FOILED AGAIN!

And Matt Gaetz and Lou Dobbs are losing their miiiiiinds!

The howler monkeys of wingnutistan spent the holiday weekend all up in their feelings about the Justice Department not doing LOCK HER UPS to former deputy FBI director Andrew McCabe. They were promised scalps, dammit, and now all they've got is a rapidly softening rage boner disappearing under a belly distended by decades of Hannity, Budweiser, and the BarcaLounger. SAD!

On Valentine's Day, the US Attorney's Office in DC sent McCabe's lawyers a love note acknowledging the obvious: that they aren't going to be charging McCabe with shit, so they've finally tapped out and closed the investigation.

"It is an absolute disgrace that they took two years and put my family through this experience for two years before they finally drew the obvious conclusion and one they could have drawn a long, long time ago," McCabe said on CNN, where he is a commentator. But for the MAGA nutbags, the real disgrace was that the DOJ didn't charge McCabe with something, anything.

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Trump

Rain, Bloomberg Wash Out Donald Trump's Daytona 500 Visit

Not even the elements wanted Trump there.

Aside from beating impeachment charges that would've removed a president in any functioning democracy, poor Donald Trump just can't catch a break. Trump devoted his Sunday to cavorting with the common man at the Daytona 500 in Florida. He even brought Melania, who obviously would've preferred to be anywhere else (and with anyone else). The president and first lady flew in from Mar-a-Lago on Air Force One for what he probably hoped would serve as a free campaign ad.

Trump was named grand marshal and gave one of his usual, awful rally-style speeches, but FOX — the broadcast network, not the fake news channel — cut away to commercial. Trump supporters online were offended that a commercial network ran commercials instead of the president's gibberish, which would've turned up later on YouTube for free anyway. One Twitter user raged that "commies owned the media," and that's why paid advertising bumped Trump.

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Right Wing Extremism

Creepy Child Nazi Banned From YouTube, Finally

Bye bye, Nick Fuentes!

White nationalist, Holocaust denier and leader of the "Groypers" (a group of white nationalist conservatives who yell at regular conservatives for not being racist enough) Nick Fuentes woke up yesterday morning to find that his YouTube teevee show, "America First with Nicholas J Fuentes," had been banned from the platform for hate speech. While it is not currently known exactly which instance of hate speech it was that got him banned, it is safe to say that it was probably pretty terrible, and probably something terrible about Jewish people or Muslims as that tends to be his M.O.

As you may or may not have blocked out, Fuentes was in the news briefly in November of last year after fellow professional hatemonger Michelle Malkin was fired from the conservative speaker's bureau "Young America's Foundation" for her support of Fuentes, on account of how he's a Holocaust denier. Also because he kept heckling fellow right-wingers like Donald Trump Jr., Charlie Kirk, and Ben Shapiro at a Turning Point USA event for not being fascist enough.

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Trump

Donald Trump Found A Black Woman To Blame For Roger Stone's Crimes

Oh what a very big surprise.

Y'all see this tweet from El Shithole this morning?

Oh great, the "fore person" [sic] of the jury was BIASSSSSS, by which Trump means she is a Democrat, and are Democrats even allowed to serve on juries in Trump's America? You won't be shocked to learn that the latest subject of Trump's outrage, and Fox News's outrage, the foreperson of the Roger Stone jury, is a black woman, because that's on brand for Trump and Fox News.

Now, please forget that there are 12 people on a jury, and that all must agree on a verdict before rendering it. (That is what "unanimous" means.) Obviously, this one alleged Trump-hating black lady #RIGGED it against Stone, and by extension Trump. That is just how things work, if you are as much of a misogynist pig racist as Donald Trump is.

But wait, let's back up for a second, for Wonkette has some local news context for you!

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Sex

CPAC's Hottest Sexxx Play This Year Not Shame Secret Grindr Hookups, Allegedly!

Just kidding, the sad closet case Grindr hookups at CPAC will probably still be hotter than this limp turd.

Fire up your bathing suit regions, CPAC, because for the first time ever, you are going to get a theatrical drama sexxx show!

That's right, one night only, get your tickets now, or get your tickets at the door, or drop some quarters in a guitar case to see if you can get the actors to do it again later at 10 the next morning in the parking lot, because Dean Cain and Kristy Swanson (Wingnut TV Superman and Original-Not-As-Good-As-The-TV-Version Buffy) will be bringing their surely Tony-worthy performance of Secret Boner Society In My Pants: The Musical! to the Broadway stage Off Broadway stage off the highway next to the rest stop stage CPAC stage on Friday, February 27!

OK maybe that is not the real title, but we wanted to say that one because ours is better. Actually it is called FBI Lovebirds: Undercover, and it is not a musical, but rather just a dramatic reading of the texts and congressional testimonies of former FBI officials Peter Strzok and Lisa Page, who are definitely absolutely Public Enemy No. 1 to the MAGA dipshit set, because of how they sent some texts while in the employ of the FBI that indicated they may not personally like Donald Trump very much. Also they were boning, extramaritally.

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Conspiracy Theories

Four-Year-Old Child Dead After Mom Takes Flu-Curing Tips From Anti-Vaxx Facebook Group

'The doc prescribed tamiflu I did not pick it up.'

Four-year-old Najee Jackson Jr. of Colorado died this week from the flu. A child's death is tragic under any circumstances, but in this case it is especially heartbreaking because it probably could have been prevented had the child's mother not been taking bad advice from "Stop Mandatory Vaccination," a 139,000-member Facebook group known for spreading misinformation about health care.

Before Jackson Jr. was even formally diagnosed, the whole family had been showing symptoms — for which their doctor prescribed Tamiflu, an antiviral commonly prescribed to flu patients. His mother, Geneva Montoya, told the anti-vaxx group about this, noting, "my 4year old had a febrile seizure at only temp of 102. The doc prescribed tamaflu I did not pick it up" Previous posts in the group by Montoya also showed that as far back as 2017, she had been refusing to give her family the flu shot.

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fox news

Internal Fox News Memo Shows They Knowingly Broadcast Ukraine Dezinformatzya

Putin must be so proud.

Which Trumpland media figures know the whole thing is a lie, and which are true believers? It's one of the enduring mysteries of this three-year nightmare. Who is running a con, and who thinks the insane conspiracy theories they flog hourly are actually the truth? Sure Don Jr. is a drooling idiot who thinks Mitt Romney is a crypto-Democrat in cahoots with Nancy Pelosi to impeach the greatest president since Lincoln to please George Soros. But does Laura Ingraham, a former Supreme Court law clerk, actually buy into all this crap?

Apparently, the higher-ups at Fox are in on the joke. The Daily Beast got its hands on an internal Fox News briefing book, which makes clear that the network has known all along that Rudy Giuliani and Hill "opinion" writer John Solomon were selling a pack of lies about Joe Biden in Ukraine. But the rubes eat that shit right up, so ... LOL! And also KA-CHING!

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Ukraine

If Ukraine Won't Do Fake Biden Investigations, Senate Republicans Will DO 'EM THEIRSELF!

ELECTIONS DON'T STEAL THEMSELVES, YOU KNOW.

Here's an update on a story Liz told y'all yesterday, of how within split seconds of the Senate voting to give Donald Trump carte blanche to commit a whole bunch more crimes to help him steal elections, the Senate's various committees leapt into action to help Trump get the sweet-ass Biden investigations he's been demanding from Ukraine and anybody else who will listen. Because it's definitely important to invent new #BenghaziEmails investigations against Biden, who might still become the Democratic nominee, even if those fake investigations were birthed directly out of Chuck Grassley's cowhole, and even if literally everybody who has looked at Biden Ukraine issues has determined that while Hunter Biden might have been trading off his family name a wee teensy, Joe Biden's successful efforts to get a corrupt prosecutor removed with the backing of the entire western world were on the up-and-up, there's no "there" there, and no crimes were committed.

Yahoo! News reports that the Treasury Department is being very helpful, handing the GOP-led committees "'evidence' of questionable origin," as one Democratic senator calls it, on Hunter Biden's financial dealings and what size jockstrap does Hunter Biden wear and was he home alone THE WHOLE NIGHT Hillary did Benghazi?

Senators like Grassley (R-Corns and Butters) and Ron Johnson (R-Ukraine scandal) are sending letters demanding to know about Hunter Biden's "conflicts of interest" (because of his longstanding job at the governmental agency of He Doesn't Work There), and they're sending them to just errbody: State, Treasury, the Secret Service, Justice, the National Archives, and probably your mom, because of her well known "conflict of interest" with Hunter Biden, ew your mom should stop conflicting Hunter Biden right in his interests, your mom is gross.

And Munch's Treasury Department is delivering! Stuff that is probably bullshit! That sounds like it might have come from one of Rudy Giuliani's fever dream calligraphy binders marked "White House"! How did that shit get into the Treasury Department's files! Allegedly!

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2020 presidential election

Chuck Grassley Sics Secret Service On Hunter Biden, Assume Democracy Dead

Even the Ukrainians are like, DAMN, THAT SHIT IS CORRUPT!

Volodymyr Zelenskyy, a 42-year-old comedian who improbably wound up president of Ukraine, spent months resisting Donald Trump's pressure to gin up a fake case against Joe Biden. Republican senators Chuck Grassley and Ron Johnson didn't last five minutes.

Yesterday, as every Republican but Mitt Romney voted to acquit Trump, Grassley and Johnson sent a letter to the Secret Service demanding Hunter Biden's travel records. It's not enough that they let Trump walk on his corrupt campaign to smear a political opponent. Senator Ethanol and the rest of the GOP goon squad are going to frame Joe Biden for corruption if it's the last thing they do.

Three years after Joe Biden left office, the Senate Finance and Homeland Security and Government Affairs committees have suddenly sprung into action. Now that Biden is running against Trump, they're "reviewing potential conflicts of interest posed by the business activities of Hunter Biden and his associates during the Obama administration, particularly with respect to his business activities in Ukraine and China." That train is never late!

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Impeachment

Donald Trump Has A New Post-Acquittal Enemies List And Every Name Is 'John Bolton'

We kid! Also Adam Schiff, Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, and Baby Mr. Peanut, on which there's bipartisan agreement.

Now that Donald Trump is pretty much assured of getting away with it, even despite the interference of those meddling kids the House impeachment managers, he has a whole lot of great ideas to bind up the nation's wounds and restore the harmony and fair play that make America a great nation. Which means it's time for his enemies to taste his wrath, or possibly his literal taint. He's a strong leader that way.

In a story that's sure to evolve further as the bodies metaphorically (?) pile up, Vanity Fair's Gabe Sherman reports "Republicans briefed on Trump's thinking" say it's pike-sharpening time at the White House:

"It's payback time," a prominent Republican told me last week. "He has an enemies list that is growing by the day," another source said. Names that came up in my conversations with Republicans included Adam Schiff, Jerry Nadler, Mitt Romney, and John Bolton. "Trump's playbook is simple: go after people who crossed him during impeachment."

Remember kids, those terrible Democrats and liberal traitors like John Bolton were out to get Donald Trump from day one, so it's only fair for him to use all the power of the Executive Branch to smite his enemies. They started it by not loving him, and now look what they're going to make him do.

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Conspiracy Theories

Did CIA PETE And COBRA Do The RIGGED?

Please stop this Iowa caucus conspiracy crap right now.

Monday's Iowa caucus was a disaster on the level of Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark, but it's an insult to the inherent poetry of clusterfucks to suggest there's some organized conspiracy behind whatever the hell happened last night. It's Black History Month. We can at least try to accept that white people can epically fail at a task. They don't need the assistance of shadowy figures in smoke-filled rooms.

The problems started because it was a close race, which was heavily predicted, and calculating caucus results is hard, especially when at least several dozen people participated. The human body only has so many fingers and toes to count on. But folks -- especially those who work for cable news -- wanted a clear winner declared RIGHT AWAY and before their East Coast bedtimes. They weren't going to stay up all night like the caucus was a common World Series or Academy Awards. When it became clear we wouldn't get any definitive results last night, there was speculation that the delay was intended to benefit Joe Biden. I think actually winning might've benefitted him more, but yes, a muddy result from a craptastic caucus is great news for John McCain's former Senate colleague. It doesn't mean the Iowa Democratic Party was in cahoots with Uncle Joe. The delay was reportedly the result of a technical mishap.

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Crime

Mormon Doomsday Novelist Claims Ghost Of Dead Wife Hooked Him Up With Mom Of Missing Kids

This just keeps getting weirder.

Lori Vallow — aka the Mormon Doomsday Cult Mom — was ordered to show up to court in Idaho on Thursday with her children, Tylee Ryan and J.J. Vallow, who haven't been seen since this fall. Shockingly enough, she did not make it. It is not known whether she returned to Idaho or if she has remained in Hawaii where she has been living with her new husband, Mormon doomsday novelist Chad Daybell, since November.

It's... a lot of a lot.

There's also a new development, of sorts, in the case, and somehow it is no less bizarre than everything else going on with these people.

Kauai landlord Jeani Martin says that on November 7, the couple showed up unannounced at her house about renting her master bedroom, claiming that God had led them there. You know, because God is a big HGTV fan and has very strong opinions on real estate. Does not miss an episode of "Property Brothers," that guy.

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Ukraine

No Impeachment, No Problem! Bolton's Got Leaks FOREVER

Stay mad!

Lamar Alexander may be done with this Ukraine scandal, but John Bolton is definitely not finished yet. The New York Times just dropped the latest leaks from his book, in time to highlight what an absolute shitshow sham this entire impeachment has been. Particularly since multiple members of Trump's legal defense team appear to have been in on the Ukraine shakedown scheme.

More than two months before he asked Ukraine's president to investigate his political opponents, President Trump directed John R. Bolton, then his national security adviser, to help with his pressure campaign to extract damaging information on Democrats from Ukrainian officials, according to an unpublished manuscript by Mr. Bolton.

Mr. Trump gave the instruction, Mr. Bolton wrote, during an Oval Office conversation in early May that included the acting White House chief of staff, Mick Mulvaney, the president's personal lawyer Rudolph W. Giuliani and the White House counsel, Pat A. Cipollone, who is now leading the president's impeachment defense.

Goodbye executive and attorney-client privilege, since this conversation included lawyers for the executive branch, who don't represent the president personally, and Rudy Giuliani, who is not a member of the executive branch. And hello Pat Cipollone, Mick Mulvaney, and Pat's deputy henchman Mike Purpura! Looks like you boys got a little dogshit on your shoes. Although, to be honest, we all smelled it already. Jay Sekulow's been rolling around in this Ukraine mess from the jump, but we knew the overpowering reek of corruption had to be coming off more than one of y'all.

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