Russia

It Would Appear Donald Trump Lied About The Size Of His 'Obamagate'

Is that it? Bless his heart.

Donald Trump and his slobbering Republican manservants in Congress are losing their shit trying to show the American people just how much #Obamagate there really was, what a Witch Hunt, what a DEEP STATE!111!! Oh my God they have been leaving snail trails all over the streets of Washington DC.

At the center of Obamagate -- as best as anyone can tell, and to be honest, our explanation is more lucid than anything that will ever slither out of the president's thin lips -- is that during the transition, the Obama administration sought to undermine the incoming president and fuck with the peaceful transition of power, chiefly by FRAMING Michael Flynn and tricking him into lying to the FBI about his improper secret conversations with the Russian government about sanctions relief. In reality, the Obama administration was faced with an unprecedented situation, namely the very real possibility -- as yet still not disproven! -- that the incoming administration and maybe the president himself were severely compromised (or worse) by Russia.

On Tuesday, the Trump administration declassified a section of an email former national security advisor Susan Rice sent herself on Inauguration Day, 2017, her last official act, to memorialize what was really going on with Flynn, so that there would be a paper trail. And kids, this declassified section was supposed to be their SMOKIN' GUN! That proves! that Obamagate! Was a thing! That happened!

Spoiler alert: It is, um, not that.

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The Internet

Flat-Earther Lady Tries To Use Sovereign Citizen Meme Logic To Get Out Of Wearing Mask, Fails

Don't believe everything you meme.

Earlier this month, we highlighted a meme making the rounds on the stupid part of the internet, featuring a card for people who don't want to wear masks to carry that says they don't have to wear a mask because they have a "medical condition" and that if anyone asks them what medical condition they have, that is a HIPAA violation and they can be sued.


This is, of course, not at all how anything works. But that doesn't mean no one's going to try it. And this weekend, someone did.

An Orange County, California, woman named Shelley Lewis posted a video to Facebook this weekend showing herself trying to enter a Gelson's supermarket in Dana Point without a mask. It did not work, but she said many extremely stupid things in the process, including the thing about how she has a medical condition that makes wearing a mask a risk for her and that it's a HIPAA violation if anyone asks about it.

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Stolen Elections

Eric Trump Knows We All Collectively Invented Pandemic So Daddy Can't Do Rallies

Muahahahahahaha?

Eric Trump β€” a fella who really ought to just be counting his blessings, re: mask mandates right now β€” stopped by the Judge Jeanine Pirro show on Saturday night to discuss how mad he is there are still stay-at-home orders and limits on gathering sizes and his theories about why they are happening.

He opened with a real zinger.

You can go buy a bottle of vodka at a liquor store, but you can't go to church. You can go to Planned Parenthood and get an abortion, but you can't go to the public library to vote.

Yes. Because a fucking virus is out here making moral judgments.

We've been hearing this line a lot, despite the fact that it is the kind of thing one should realize is very stupid the moment it comes out their mouth. People seem to think it's very clever and that when people hear it they will say "Oh boy, I never thought of it that way!" and not "Because in a church you stand very close to people. People who are often singing, which we know is basically the quickest way to get COVID-19 from someone who has it. Choirs are dropping like flies. Or at least spreading it very quickly among themselves. And it is no less safe to buy a bottle of vodka than it is to buy a bag of flour. WHY WOULD IT BE LESS SAFE? IT INVOLVES THE EXACT SAME AMOUNT OF PERSONAL INTERACTION!"

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Right Wing Extremism

WTF Is Wrong With Former Trump Doc Ronny Jackson? A Wonkette Science Theory!

We could be wrong, but we could also be NAILED IT.

Let's talk about former White House doc Ronny Jackson, the one who stood in the White House press briefing room and said with a straight face β€” a glowing straight face β€” that Donald Trump was a slender and virile man whose genes are as astonishing as a common Jane Fonda's; that if he were any younger, he probably wouldn't even be born yet; that his stamina was like oxen, testicles like bull, pleasing is the fragrance of his perfumes, legs like gazelle or young stag, I DELIGHT TO SIT IN HIS SHADE, HIS FRUIT IS SWEET TO MY TASTE, LET HIM LEAD ME TO THE BANQUET HALL AND LET HIS BANNER OVER ME BE LOVE!

We may be paraphrasing, but slightly.

After that performance, as a treat, Donald Trump decided to let Dr. Ronny be secretary of the VA, but that didn't work out because something something Drinky McPillpusher.

Well, as you know, he is now an official wingnut, and he is running for Congress in Texas's 13th, and he does not like you saying Donald Trump's "Obamagate" conspiracy theory is "stupid" or "totally made up" or "just more evidence of the president's rapid mental decline." After all, Dr. Ronny was the one who gave Trump that brain test, and was Trump not able to circle "camel" on the first try? He circled "camel" on the first try. Dr. Ronny SEEN IT.

And he doesn't like it when you call Trump's Twitter troll (acting) Director of National Intelligence Ric Grenell a drooling unqualified lapdog or point out that he's helping Trump manufacture a fake "UNMASKING!11!!" scandal by releasing exclusive information we've all known since 2017, about Obama officials taking completely appropriate actions in the midst of a Russian attack on our democracy for the benefit of Donald Trump.

SO FUCK YOU, HATERS!

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