Cory Booker Draws Short Straw, Must Serve Minimum One-Year Sentence In U.S. Senate


Well, everyone is saying that there were no winners last night, just because the GOP caused about $24 billion in economic harm so that John Boehner could get moreMyFace friends from the Tea Party. Worth it. Well, everyone is WRONG. There was a clear winner last night, and it was the Strippers Union! Per The Hill:

Newark Mayor Cory Booker won the New Jersey Senate special election on Wednesday night in an unsurprising finale to a surprisingly contentious race.

While most of America was Googling “How To Ship Ted Cruz Back To Canada,” or toasting our Congress for funding the government for a full three months, Cory Booker was taking a break from shoveling snow and rescuing people from burning buildings (OR NOT???) to become New Jersey’s next gay Senator! 

While the media is claiming that this was a surprisingly contentious race, Booker did defeat Republican Steve Lonegan by a comfortable 11 points. This was a campaign to serve out the remainder of the late Frank Lautenberg's term, and Booker will be up for re-election again in 2014. The ending of the campaign was kind of a snooze, but the campaign did have some bizarre moments. Because Booker is not married, many assume that he is GAY GAY GAY, and Booker was all, ‘whatevs, teh gehys is FABS,’ snap snap, other gay stereotypes.

Last month, the media uncovered some not-scandalous messages between Booker and a stripper. And because he was polite and not an asshole dickbag begging to motorboat her boobies, he was clearly not a Real Man, according to Republican opponents. This led to the most awesome titty-sucking comment in modern political history:

“It was just weird. I mean, to me, you know, hey, if he said, ‘Hey, you got really hot breasts man, I’d love to suck on them.’ Then like, yeah, cool. But like, he didn’t say that,” [Lonegan staffer/resident ladykiller Rick] Shaftan explained.

Seriously, GOP, how is that rebranding effort going? Are the ladies flocking to your poles polls yet?

Welcome to DC, Senator-elect Booker! When it snows, you are welcome to shovel our walkway. In return, our Editrix will gladly send you tasteful sideboob photos and pleasantly flirty conversation via the Tweeters.

[The Hill]


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