Old Handsome Joe COMMANDS you to help elect Doug Jones!

We're going to start this piece with a bone we have to pick with a few o' y'all out there, who didn't get that we were being SILLY and SARCASTIC when we said it was UNBELIEVABLE and SHOCKING that Alabama Republicans had gone to the polls and selected insane lawless birther bigot God-humper Roy Moore to run for the Senate in December's special election. Have you even ever met yr Wonkette before? Is this your first rodeo? Did you fall off a turnip truck into a pile of BEING BORING?

OK, with that being said, the first general election poll for the Alabama Senate race is out, and here is what it looks like:

Huh! Only 50.2 percent of Alabama Crimson Tide fans and their smarter counterparts, Auburn Tigers fans, can actually say they want to vote for Bozo McCrazyWeenus, in a state President Fuck-Bonkers carried with 62% of the vote. Moore only got 51% of the vote in 2012 when he ran for Alabama Supreme Court, after which he managed to get his ass kicked off that court (again) for thinking he's above the law (again). Mitt Romney won the state that year by ONE MILLION CAR ELEVATORS.

Does this "Doug Jones" Democratic man actually have a chance to turn this around by December 12? Well maybe! You see, Roy Moore is hella unpopular in Alabama overall, and this race is going to come down to turn-out, as it's taking place two weeks before Christmas, at a time when all the Alabama people will be distracted buying their elves to put on their shelves (Jeff Sessions dolls sell the fuck out that time of year in Alabama) and braving the bitter 65 degree winter weather.

So who is this "Doug Jones" anyway? HOORAY, Dave Weigel has already answered that question for us in the Washington Post, so we can copy off his paper. Weigel explains that Jones is a "a former U.S. attorney who successfully prosecuted members of the Ku Klux Klan who bombed a black church in Birmingham in 1963, killing four girls," which in our book makes him awesome. Now, Trump base voters will probably not like that historical fact, and will assume he only prosecuted those Klan members because he hates the national anthem, but many in the movable middle might think it's pretty great.

Here are some other #facts about Jones:

Jones opposes the Hyde Amendment, which prevents any federal funding for abortion; while stopping short of endorsing Sanders’s “Medicare for All” bill, he supported the Democratic effort to save the Affordable Care Act, and criticized Alabama for declining to expand Medicaid. In an interview, he said he would have voted against Betsy DeVos’s nomination to be secretary of education, and might have opposed Neil M. Gorsuch’s nomination to the Supreme Court.

OK, so he's kind of center-left and he thinks the Hyde Amendment is a piece of shit. ALABAMA COULD DO WORSE.

Now, we know what kind of a race the Republicans will run against Jones, even though he is obviously a great guy and a great candidate. We saw it during the Georgia special Congressional election, in the ads they ran against Jon Ossoff.

God, we are hilarious sometimes (most of the time).

The point is that if the national Democrats get involved (WHICH WOULD BE NICE), it's theoretically possible and plausible that we could score the yoogest, most tremendous upset, and Alabama would get to be represented by a sane person for once. Of course, as we said the other day, if Moore ends up in the Senate, that will still be a gift to Democrats, since he is bugfuck crazypants, and every single Republican will have to spend the entire crazy midterm season responding to every addle-brained thing Moore has ever said. Hey Republicans, do you agree that Sandy Hook happened because of perversion and a failure to follow God's law, by which he means all the buttfucking? Shit, not even the Trump White House wants to touch that question.

But we'd rather our guy just win, don't you agree?

IDEA: Are you busy right now? No, you're reading Wonkette and playing with your willy. Why don't you click here and see how you can get involved in Doug Jones's campaign? Your willy will still be there to play with AFTER you've done that.


God we're stupid on Fridays.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

Wonkette is ad-free! Our salaries, servers, and all of the things are fully funded by readers like you! If you love us, click here to fund us!

[Opinion Savvy / Washington Post]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc