Cowardly Louisiana Bishops Terrified Of Assassins


America's founders clearly intended for us to go to church daily or even hourly, and they also clearly intended for us to carry concealed weapons at all times; therefore, it seems logical that the 1st and 2nd amendments should be read as a seamless whole, indicating that, while we pray to the American Jesus, we should have a firearm hidden somewhere on our person. Restoring this basic truth has been a recent enthusiasm of gun rights crusaders, with several legislative victories in our more shoot-y states, Louisiana is among them! But does Louisiana's law go far enough? Apparently not, as a cabal of men in dresses is stopping the state's papists from packing heat while participating in the church's traditional rituals of simulated cannibalism.

Why do these big-hat-wearing freaks hate America?

Concealed handguns won't be allowed in Roman Catholic churches, despite a new state law allowing them.

"We don't think it is appropriate to have guns in churches," Danny Loar, executive director of the Louisiana Conference of Catholic Bishops -- the church's public policy arm in Louisiana, said Monday.

The law allows concealed handguns in churches, synagogues or mosques for those with a valid permit and training. It also says those with authority over a church have the final say in their church.

Honest, permit-carrying Americans would for the most part bring guns into church only to prevent crimes (muggings in the pews being endemic). But it's possible that the Catholic bishops might fear someone with a grudge, like a victim of priestly sexual abuse, or someone who is trapped in a loveless marriage, or someone who wanted an abortion, or a woman of more or less any description. If one of these people were to lunge at a priest with a sword, say, or their bare hands, he could probably fend them off with one of those big chalices, or maybe a large, heavy crucifix if one were handy. But the Vatican's best theologians have yet to develop a method for casting bullet-blocking spells consistently. So, better safe than sorry! If by "safe" we mean "crushing America's basic freedoms under your boot heel."

The Vatican had no comment on the controversy, since none of these bishops actually work for the worldwide institution known as the "Catholic Church." "Louisiana?" said somebody who answered the phone at St. Peter's. "Never heard of it." Meanwhile, the state's approximately 18,000 trailer-based Independent Free Will Baptist Churches have opened their arms to former mackerel-snappers who chose safety through strength over the false comforts of Rome's Whore of Babylon. [AP]


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