Crappy Concert, Stupid Events Mark Nation's Saddest July 4th

Nothing says "America" like "Tony Danza." The dumb, talentless star of "Joanie Loves Chachi" is the big attraction at tomorrow's A Capitol Fourth thing.

Of course it will be an absolute hassle to get anywhere near The Mall on Wednesday, due to the usual post-9/11 let's-make-everybody-miserable security bullshit plus the added hysteria of OH MY GOD SOMEBODY DROVE A JEEP INTO THE WALL OF AN AIRPORT, IN SCOTLAND, AND NOBODY WAS KILLED. But for the brave morons who willingly get herded around by a bunch of fat psychopathic Homeland Security Guards in the horrible humid heat for hours until they're finally pushed to some remote corner of dirt about a mile from the stage, what will be the reward?

Besides Tony Danza, who will do whatever Tony Danza does, the concert features some karaoke loser from American Idol, some newish gospel singer we've never heard of, a girl who plays a cheerleader on some teevee show nobody's ever heard of, and elderly homosexual Little Richard of GEICO commercial fame.

What other stupid crap will Americans subject themselves to on America's Last Birthday?

* At Peoria's Wildlife Prairie State Park, "guests will have an opportunity to register to win a replica of the War Dog Memorial bronze statue."

* Atlantic City: "Free face painting, pottery demonstrations, ice cream eating and fishing contests and a magician will be among the activities offered at The Crafters Village."

* In the Arizona border town of Nogales, there will be a "10-kilometer race at 7 a.m. to start the day," from the Mexican side to the American side. Winners get to stay here forever and take American jobs!

* Santa Fe, N.M.: "New this year: Firecracker Pajama Parade."

* Idaho Falls, Idaho: "There wasn't anything going on in Idaho Falls between the parade and the fireworks show and so what we decided to do -- and a lot of people asked us to do this -- was to create some sort of activity for people to partake in Idaho Falls during that gap."


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