Greetings, Wonkette readers! Your Comics Curmudgeon wasn't invited to the Wonkette Spring Break Denver Party House this year, because I was considered too square for the non-stop bikinis-and-blow hot tub party that the editors had planned. Nevertheless, I have done my best to keep on top of convention-related events from my squalid, Cheeto-dust-encrusted home office. Since I don't even have basic cable, I've been following it entirely through editorial cartoons. Here's what I've found out!
Because this is the Democratic convention, the unspeakable behind-the-scenes depravity was co-ed, for the most part. In this artist's recreation of the Wednesday night festivities, Hillary Clinton prepares to toss Ted Kennedy's salad, while a stoic Barack Obama watches silently nearby inside his home-made masturbatorium. A nameless old-timey straw-boater-wearing delegate smiles in the background, pleased that his party elders are enjoying themselves and truly fomenting party unity.
Joe Biden, unfortunately, wasn't having such a good time. He attempted to enter the quadrennial DNC drag show, but the cabal of homosexual abortionists who judge it (they also double as the credentials committee) deemed him "insufficiently fabulous." Here you can see that moment of heartbreak.
Later, the leading candidates went swimming, because they are elitists, unlike John McCain who only has tiny inflatable swimming pools on the weed-ridden lawns behind each of his seventeen homes. Obama used the occasion to strut around with no shirt on because that's the sort of thing that people seem to like when he does it. Joe Biden, to prove his strong affinity for hard-working white Americans, has dressed in the same swimsuit that his great-grandfather wore to the swimming hole in 1897. Hillary wore a Flinstones-style shirt, and no shoes, for no reason that anyone could fathom.
Bill Clinton gave a speech! He had been out of the spotlight for a while, so most people had forgotten that he looked a lot like a dour 19th century Danish cabinet minister, or a vampire. But he really brought the house down when he just started stabbing people indiscriminately with an ice pick.
Then a ravenous Joe Biden unhinged his jaw so as to devour all of the survivors whole, and everyone went running screaming into the night in terror, the end. Howard Dean said it was a great success!
But before we go, let's get a preview of next week's fun with the GOP! Here you can see that special moment when John McCain is finally informed about a longstanding Republican convention tradition: the ritual sodomization of the nominee by his predecessor. "Don't worry," Bush assures him, "I'll be much gentler than Dole was with me."