Crazy Fox & Friends Sheriff Will Make ISIS Pee Themselves, Ayup!
Meet Sheriff Gary Painter of Midland County, Texas. He is not going to let ISIS invade his beautiful American Texas of the United States, no sir! In what can only be described as performance art,Fox & Friends' Elizabeth Hasselbeck and the sheriff traded rightwing blog rumors about the imminent -- or perhaps already underway!!!! -- ISIS invasion of America. That would be the invasion that Homeland Security has said is not happening and is not a threat, but why would you believe the Department of Homeland Security over a local Texas sheriff?
Hasselbeck is a model of wide-eyed reportorial wonder as she invites Sheriff Painter to tell her all about the big scary Muslim invaders. "What are you hearing? What is this report about?" Painter didn't spare any fearmongering:
Well there’s this report that says there are ISIS cells active in the Juarez area, which is the northern part of Chihuahua state. And that they were moving around over there and that they had, uh, just that there was some activity, and for the sheriffs along the border and law enforcement to be on the alert, and be on the look-out for these people trying to come across.
"This report" is that completely laughable one from rightwing playdate exchange Judicial Watch, which cited no actual intelligence, just the group's own secret "sources" -- including a ludicrous claim that ISIS and its fundamentalist archenemy al Qaeda are working together to overrun the USA from Juarez, Mexico. It is not a report from a U.S. government agency. Which, yes, we know is WHY it's reliable to these loons.
We would also like to nominate Hasselbeck for an Anchor Overacting Award for her very grave response to Painter's story:
Are you saying that ISIS is ready to come across, poised to perhaps execute what they have threatened to do, attacks on the United States, drown us in our own blood? Is that what you are saying?
Why, yes! Yes, that is exactly what he is saying! Painter explained the chilling evidence of ISIS infiltrators everywhere along the border:
We have found copies -- our people along the border -- have found Muslim clothing, they have found Koran books that are laying on the side of the trail. So we know that there are Muslims that have come across, that have been smuggled into the United States.
Wow, that's compelling. Those crazed ISIS lunatic psycho monster hose beast killer Muslim fanatics are slaves to the hellish commandments of the Holy Koran, over which they will kill you if you desecrate it -- and they kind of casually leave a whole bunch of copies of it lying in the trail dust, too. They're such hypocrites that way!
Finally, Hasselbeck asked the mighty sheriff, with his spear and magic cowboy hat, if he had a message for the ISIS fighters lining Our Porous Border™ -- and for our timid president, too?
If they show their ugly head in our area, we’ll send them to hell. I think the United States needs to get busy and they need to bomb ‘em. They need to take ‘em out. I would like for them to hit them so hard and so often that every time they hear a propeller on a plane or a jet aircraft engine, that they urinate down both legs.
The fact that over 150 bombing sorties have been flown against ISIS in Iraq does not yet appear to have caused mass urination, so perhaps it's time to start bombing the Texas border, too, just to be on the safe side.
Here is the video. For the sake of your computer monitor, please make sure you're not drinking anything while you watch.
Also, this extra special bonus video in which Painter expands on his ideas. We really really recommend you take a look at this one:
What we wouldn't give to see this man and Sheriff Joe Arpaio together.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.