Michael Flynn Forgot To Clear Himself, Sorry Conspiracy Cranks!

#clearflynnnow? Yeah, naw, LOL.

Conservatives can shitpost like nobody's business. But those assholes can't organize an offline protest to save their lives.

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Trump Pardons Some Assholes

Lunatics absolutely sure it has to do with Hillary Clinton and Uranium One.

Donald Trump has pardoned two Oregon ranchers whose conviction on federal arson charges inspired the Bundy Slob Militia to occupy the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge in the first weeks of 2016. The pardon will spring Dwight Hammond, 76, and his son Steven Hammond, 49, from the federal pen where they've been serving five-year sentences. This a huge victory in the wingnuttosphere! Anti-government types are cheering because the pardon rolls back supposed tyrannical government overreach by the Obama administration, and makes the West safe for law-defying ranchers again. Beyond that, the truly unhinged conspiracy folks are even more thrilled, because don't you know the only reason the feds went after the Hammonds -- and Cliven Bundy, for that matter -- was so Hillary Clinton could steal their land to sell to RUSSIA for URANIUM ONE?

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A Foul Wind Blows. Wonkagenda For Mon., July 2, 2018

House Republicans back away from That Wall, Trump leaks FART, and North Korea won't 'de-nuke.' Your morning news brief!

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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The 154th Mass Shooting. Wonkagenda For Fri., June 29, 2018

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

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ICE Thug Breaks A Lawyer's Foot; Kamala Harris Wants To Break Foot Off In ICE's Ass

By break I mean break it the hell down

An immigration lawyer, Andrea Martinez, was busy doing her job of reuniting a mother and child who had been separated, when something slightly unexpected happened. Rather than being a facilitator of the happy reunion of a poor immigrant family, she became the victim of ICE thuggery and got her leg broken for her trouble. Now, most times ICE officials, like cops, are smart enough not to abuse people who actually will be believed when they report them. But this particular asshole not only broke her fucking leg, he also held her hostage in a detainment room for nearly an hour without medical treatment. Why? Because he fucking can, that's why. Shut up, snowflake.

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Very Special Judge Tells Paul Manafort And Giuliani To GTFOH

And the horse you rode in on!

Sad news, Wonkers! It seems that Rudy Giuliani might be BAD AT LAW. Womp womp!

Remember last month when EDVA Judge Ellis put the Special Counsel attorneys through the wringer over their authority to prosecute Paul Manafort for bank fraud going back years before the campaign?

You don't really care about Mr. Manafort's bank fraud, [...] You really care about getting information Mr. Manafort can give you that would reflect on Mr. Trump and lead to his prosecution or impeachment.

After which Giuliani blew his wad all over Jeanine Pirro's desk anticipating that Judge Ellis was about to throw Manafort's case out and tell Robert Mueller he was a very bad boy.

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Post-Racial America

Bring Li'l Adolf And Eva On Down To Charlottesville Reunion Rally And Jamboree!

The Nazi rally will be poorly attended.

In yet another sequel that no one asked for, the Nazi shitheads that brought us the Unite The Right rally last year are all set to launch Charlottesville 2: The Tikining. Coming to a Washington DC near you!

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ACLU: We've Been Beating The Shit Out Of Unaccompanied Minors For Years

Our heart hurts.

We might not have been separating children from their parents, but we MAYBE, POSSIBLY, were torturing them physically and emotionally, according to the ACLU.

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Secretaries, Teachers Guarding Violent Felons In Federal Prisons. That Should Save Money!

Government small enough to shank you in the exercise yard

In a normal news world, this would be huge news: Thanks to the Trump administration's hiring freeze, federal prisons are becoming chronically understaffed. It's saving the government a bit of money, so we can afford some big fats tax cuts for rich fuckwads, but there just might be a small downside, as a New York Times investigation found. Turns out that with correctional officers in short supply, federal prisons are burning out the staff they have, and often relying on staff like clerks, teachers, and medical staff to fill in for correctional officers on the units. It's all fun and games until someone gets mauled, huh?

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Alan Dershowitz, A Schmuck


There are perks to being the only Harvard professor willing to shill for the Bush League Mussolini. Everyone else has to haul ass to the Fox studio and sit for hair and makeup. Not Alan Dershowitz! He just parks his laptop in Pee Wee's playhouse and Skypes in that rant. Is he even wearing pants? We hope never to find out!

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Florida Man Tries To Salvage Terrible Week, Asks Cops To Test His Meth For Contamination

It's no weed, alligators, and stripper pole, but it'll have to do.

It has been one sorry-ass week of trauma and sadness here in Donald Trump's America, but at least we still have Florida Man to lift our spirits with his unfailingly stupid japery. The particular incarnation of Florida Man you see above is Douglas Peter Kelly, of the northern Florida community of Hawthorne, who suspected he may have purchased some tainted methamphetamine, because after he bought it a week or so back, he had what he said was a "bad reaction" when he smoked it.

On Tuesday -- which means he'd had some time to think this all over -- Mr. Kelly contacted the Putnam County Sheriff's office and said he suspected that because of the "violent reaction" he'd had, he believed that what he'd been sold was either the wrong drug, or at least not the good, wholesome meth he'd bargained for, and could the drug lab please test the stuff for him? If he'd been sold tainted goods, he said, he wanted to press charges against the dastardly fraud who'd sold him counterfeit meth.

The detective Kelly spoke to explained they'd be happy to help him out with that, you bet. As the Sheriff's Office Facebook post explains,

Kelly drove to the sheriff's office and handed detectives a clear, crystal-like substance wrapped in aluminum foil.

The substance field-tested positive for methamphetamine, the drug Kelly intended to purchase.

Kelly was arrested and charged with possession of methamphetamine. He was walked to the Putnam County Jail and held on $5,000 bond.

The Facebook post closed with a public-service reminder that "our detectives are always ready to assist anyone who believes they were misled in their illegal drug purchase." They just like being servicey that way.

Yr Wonkette also briefly considered this story from the Twitters:

But once we read the actual story, we learned that the Florida Man twitter account hadn't quite accurately summarized the true facts of the case: while it's true that the capuchin monkey clung to the man's chest as he was arrested, the story from the Tampa Bay Times is mute on the question of where the monkey actually was while the young man was on his 30-mile drive -- which ended when he drove the stolen car into a ditch. Also, the guy had no exotic animal permit, so the monkey was sent to a primate sanctuary. But the video of the monkey being taken away was sad -- licensed or no, the monkey kept reaching out to the idiot owner, trying to put its arms around his neck, and it looked genuinely apprehensive about being taken away.

Huh. Maybe Florida Man wasn't an altogether great way to get our mind off the news.

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[Miami Herald / Tampa Bay Times]


Rand Paul, Bad Fuckin' Neighbor

He also is a lawn troll

We all recall the fateful day when Rand Paul, Lion of Libertarianism, met his angry neighbor and lost the "Battle of the Bushes," which resulted in several broken ribs and other injuries. Many of us spent at least several hours pondering the important universal question of, "What the fuck is a 'lawn dispute' and how the hell does it result in severe injuries?" And also, "How is it possible that this is the first time Rand Paul has been involved in this type of epic struggle?" On top of that there are those of us who had wished with all of our hearts that we could bear witness to this apparently devastating battle because honestly, nobody likes Rand Paul very much. I, for one, imagined him as a reverse Charles Sumner, where rather than being beaten for championing anti-Slavery sentiment, he was abused for his abhorrent distaste for the Civil Rights Act of 1964. (Not that this is okay!! It's not.) Call me a dreamer…

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Cops Behaving Badly

Here’s Your ICE Horror Show Roundup, Also, God Damn America

None of this is normal.

As the New Cruelty ramps up its family separation policy, there's a whole lot of ICE fuckery to catch up on. And yes, it's almost all awful, although it's also worth noting that the worse it gets, the more resistance there is – not just from activists, but in the institutions that hold out some hope of putting the brakes on this madness. We have a bit of both in today's roundup!

Yes, We Actually Are The Baddies.

Let's start with this story from the Boston Globe, by Liz Goodman,which can almost be summed up in three tweets by Goodman, but please please read the whole thing. Like last week's NYT profile of "José," this piece uses the stories of an immigrant child separated from his family to illustrate how the New Cruelty works:

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Dickhole Saves Second Amendment By Calling SWAT Team To David Hogg's Home

That oughta learn him to respect responsible gun owners. Just like all the other death threats did.

Usage tip: Hogg Swatted is very different from Hornswoggled, although both involve deception.

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Pardons For Everyone, Including The President! (Offer May Not Be Valid In Your America)

Why all these pardons right now? OH, NO REASON.

What the hell is going on with this pardon stuff? Why are the ghosts of felons past clogging our newsfeeds? Why are we talking about Dinesh Fucking D'Souza?

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