Last year'sFree Speach* martyr Phil "All Merchandise 50% Off" Robertson has him a book-shaped object out and is dutifully making the rounds of the morning news programs to try to gin up some interest in his thoughts. While promoting his collections of pages, titled unPHILtered: The Way I See It, Mr. Duck went on Good Morning America to share the simple homespun philosophy of a wealthy has-been reality teevee star, and revealed that Jesus is pretty OK with telling the gays they're bound for the everlasting lake of hell firrrrrrre. Robertson reiterated that he doesn't hate anybody at all, and when asked about his charming thoughts on gay people in GQ magazine last year, explained that there's only one reliable compendium of bronze-age wisdom that can be trusted:

“The only place that I know of that I could have gone to answer that question would be a Bible. The dictionary wouldn’t have explained it. An encyclopedia wouldn’t have explained it, whether it was a sin or not. So I went to the only source I had to answer his question…

I’m as much of a homophobe as Jesus was. People who are participating in homosexual behavior, they need to know that I love them.”

A careful review of the New Testament showed that what Jesus actually said about homosexuality was Not A Single Word, so we would like to remind Mr. Duck that Saul of Tarsus (aka Saint Paul, aka "the cute one") and Jesus were actually two completely different people.

Robertson also took the opportunity to clarify his GQ comments on how, back before they were all hooked on welfare, The Blacks were all "singing and happy" and never complained about discrimination. If by "clarify" you mean "state something completely different." What he really meant to say, he explained, is something that is nothing like the words that he actually said, because it's really unfair to quote what he said instead of what he now thinks he meant:

“There is one race, one race on this planet,” he said Tuesday. “It’s called the human race, we’re all the same. To me, there is absolutely nothing that has color to do with it.”

You see, that is the clearest possible interpretation of his words at the time, which accidentally arranged themselves this way:

“I never, with my eyes, saw the mistreatment of any black person. Not once. Where we lived was all farmers. The blacks worked for the farmers. I hoed cotton with them. I’m with the blacks, because we’re white trash. We’re going across the field. … They’re singing and happy. I never heard one of them, one black person, say, ‘I tell you what: These doggone white people’ — not a word!

“Pre-entitlement, pre-welfare, you say: Were they happy? They were godly; they were happy; no one was singing the blues”

You see, in his view, there is absolutely nothing that has color to do with it, in his view, and so there actually was no Jim Crow or civil rights movement, and don't you forget it because God loves us all, millionaire teevee stars and happy singing darkies alike.

Now please stop being so mean to Phil Robertson, take a deep breath, and wait a few months until his book shows up at the Remainder Outlet before you say, "Oh yeah, remember that guy?"

* Free Speach is, of course, the principle that one can say anything one wants to without criticism or consequences, and differs from Free Speech in that the Constitution doesn't actually guarantee any such thing.


Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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